Heya Lorelie, I am so sorry that I haven't reviewed this, since you have specifically requested this from my thread. Let's jump right in though, shall we??
To start off a positive note in this review, I love the little pictures that you embedded into this story. I, as a reader really appreciate the time that you placed in these drawings to make it work; I also think that it adds a cool little feature.
First of all, it is key to establish a clear setting. Where is the mountain, and why in the world is it significant enough to atempt to want to cross over it? Now, I know that I am coming into this on the third chapter of this series, but if you would like to be a good writer you have to establish the setting more than just saying: "Here is the mountain." if you see what I mean...
I would like to introduce and link you to a very short article that is about how to describe scenery. The key here is visualization and seeing how it looks like in your head an on a page/screen before starting to write. You'll see more on that in the article though.
At school I learned letters, numbers,
Honestly, judging by your very simplistic view on what you should be learning in school, I think that this student/ MC is in the elementary school grades. I didn't get the impression that they are older, although if they want to cross a mountain alone, then it must seem that they are older... Anyways, it's not a good thing to have a contradictory view on the MC from two perspectives. The reader should be able to inference directly from the text.
It is the look of one who knows not what is next (only before) and still eagerly awaits. It is the look of one who still has not arrived (only departed) and is already missing.
I could not understand anything that you were actually trying to convey here. I go to my bus stop everyday, and so my experience is pretty monotonous there. Generally in writing, you want to make your reader relate in some way, anyway, but here it was not the case.
I wait another day, nothing. Third day, same. Fourth, fifth, a whole week goes by, till I get to see him again.
This sense of repetition that you were using here, generally isn't acceptable. You don't really write third,fourth, etc. because the reader gets what you are talking about. A whole week goes by would have been enough, because everyone obviously knows that there are 5 days in a school week and 7 days in a full week. I don't observe a need to elaborate on that, do you see what I mean??
Used, betrayed, stranded, I feel the world falling on my shoulders.
I feel zero emotion here. Did you ever wonder why just amazing Bestseller books are so damn good? Because they make you laugh and cry, weep and mourn, smile and grin. Because the books and characters that are playing in them can evoke authentic emotions inside a readers soul and mind. Here I feel no emotion toward the MC, because I feel absolutely no connection to her in anyway.
There is another aritcle that I highly reccomend with a lot of readers that are struggling with this very same problem like you(and believe me, I even sometimes struggle with it too) and so I personally always refer and go make to This informative article and it always refreshes me and helps me choose better words.
Also, all of that dialogue at the end felt like small-talk, meaningless and everyday mundane. I think that we hear this so much in the world around us, that there is no way that I actually wanted to see this in a work, because it doesn't really add anything to the plot. Here is a quick tip from an article that I once read: "As a writer, if you want to improve in how your dialogue is written, there is one very simple thing that you can do. Listen to the way that people speak."
I'm going to leave you there with that.
~Pretzel
The picture above it was a nice transition from a scene to the character's thoughts. My one suggestion is that you expand on the final part- when he finally makes contact with her. She had been waiting so long, and I feel that the moment could be expanded with a little more description. Apart from that, it's great, especially the pictures!
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
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