As Adel stood there in awe at this ladies beauty she giggled and pushed the hood back from her head and smiled at him. The young demon cleared his throat and knelt down in front of her. It was custom for a demon who has been summoned to not look directly into the face of his or her master, so Adel kept his gaze on the floor.
"What do you wish of me, ma'am?" Adel asked in a slightly monotone way. One of the other witches stood up to say something, but was waved down by Elena. She simply smiled and stood up and placed a hand on the demons shoulder softly, "I need a body guard for a while...its not safe for me anymore..." She trailed off as if trying to think of something to say. A bell tolled and all the other witches and warlocks looked at Elena who nodded and started for the door looking over her shoulder calling to Adel, " Come on...I'm sorry I didn't get your name?"
"Adel...my name's Adel ma'am-er I mean Miss Elena.", Adel murmured back trying not to sound rude. As the group walked out into a large Gothic temple, covered in pictures depicting wicthes and warlocks battling alongside demons against the Paladins of the Holy Light. Above them was a Lavender stained glass window casting a soft light on them from the setting sun. Elena, walking behind her subjects, stopped and looked back at Adel. Wow...he thought looking up at the window.
"It's beautiful...my ancestors cast a spell on it over a thousand years ago to hide our coven from peeping eyes.", She said with a slight smile. Adel's serpentine tail spiraled into a coil as the young witch waled over to stand Next to him. "You don't have to be so shy Adel...I won't bite."
"It's custom Miss...i have to follow the rules."
"I don't like rules.", Elena laughed a little now. Adel was taken by her laugh, so full of life...so happy...something he could never feel. The group continued and one of the witches called back at them. She was an older woman about in her sixty's, but looked much younger.
"Hurry up young mistress you people await your appearance. You don't want to make them wait i hope?"
Elena groaned and looked at Adel, "Ugh...I see what i mean?" Elena said with a annoyed tone. Adel smiled slightly and started walking with her to catch up to the group. When Elena and a few other witches and warlocks pushed past a amethyst curtain, the bright light of the sun shone through and blinded Adel for a few minutes. He could never get used to the human worlds sun. It hurt him to even be out in it. Adel walked toward th curtain, but was pushed back by a large man carrying a large spear. I could easily take him down, but i better not.
The man glared at Adel with a hatred he'd only seen in the underworld. He noticed that the man was missing his left arm. The point of the spear dug deep into the wood of the floor waiting to strike like a serpent hunting a mouse. Finally the man growled lowly and looked Adel in the eye, "You demons are noting but trouble...why did we even start using you little bugs to do our work for us? Don't look at me like that, I'm stronger then you think little imp."
Adel's spiked serpentine tail whipped the ground in anger as he clenched his fists. He could not fight back against his tormentor, but just stood there and took the abuse. Suddenly, Elena walked through the curtain and sighed softly, "Tough crowd..."
Elena and Adel walked around the temple letting Adel get used to his new home for the time being. The hallways got smaller and smaller as they headed deeper into the Gothic building. The two stopped at a large oak door painted with the colors of the window. As she opened the door the scent of Lavender washed over Adel. "This is my room...yours is next door. Make yourself at home, i think you'll be here a while." Adel nodded and walked next door to the small, old room that would be his prison for a while. He fell back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling and said to himself aloud, "This is turning out to be not so bad with her around."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I don't read fantasy much, but I can appreciate the amount of detailed and thorough world-building that went into this story. It feels like an excerpt, like the preface to a bigger and deeper story, but it still manages to stand on its own with its diverse characters and the interesting premise. I am not very sure of where you were planning to take this, but it was a good story and I enjoyed reading it!
There are some issues with it of course, but if we can overlook them for a moment, then the story manages to intrigue the readers and pull them inside this new world for a temporary moment. However, after reaching the end, it felt like something was missing. It was as if we took this short journey only to reach nowhere and its a little frustrating as I felt there that there were missing pieces to the story that held it together. Without them, however, there were gaps that stood out in your narration and confused the readers because of the lack of context given.
For example, that entire scene with the large man carrying the spear felt too confusing to me. It seemed to simply exist in the story without any definite reason as I don't think it adds anything or impacts the plot in any way. It was over just as soon as it started and Adel's lack of reaction against his supposed abuse only made it more confusing as I could not understand what exactly was going on. The dialogue seems to imply some long harbored grudge against the demons and it makes sense with how Adel has been acting as the servant in front of Elena from the very beginning.
That said, most of the remaining issues are regarding the punctuation and typos. But they aren't really harmful and can be fixed quite easily with a little editing. I am going to point a few of them out for you:
An 'r' is missing in 'your'. It will be : "Hurry up young mistress your people await your appearance."
- 'an annoyed tone'
You are missing an 'e' in 'the'. Also, the latter half of the sentence uses the word 'large' twice to paint a description and it sounds a bit repetitive. Maybe switch out one of them with some other adjective. For example, "a large man carrying a huge spear"?
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
I don't think this is poetry....Prose=paragraphs, poetry=stanzas.
*moved to other fiction*
Hehe
I am an impatient little goose ^^
This is lovely by the way.