Young Writers Society

Hi LordMomo! I'm here for the requested review ~ I'm so sorry how long it took me to get here!

I see you've already gotten some great reviews, so I'll try my best not to get too repetitive

The main thing I want to look at is the personalities of the two crows. Obviously this is a very short scene, so it might seem like there isn't much of a chance to differentiate them as characters, but I think you actually have a very good start on giving them separate personalities! I noticed that a lot of the time, you have Corvo being clueless and asking questions, with Kraai answering them/being impatient. I would suggest emphasizing this even more ~ for example, in the opening two lines:

Corvo: Hey. Kraai.

Kraai: Yeah, Corvo?

Corvo: Hey. Kraai?
Kraai: Uhuh.

Kraai: Shh... he’ll hear you.
...
Kraai: Shh...

Great job on this even if it was a school assignment. I recommend though that you italicize the names of the people who are about to speak.

One thing I love about scripts is that they challenge the writer to write without talking about internal thoughts or feeling. Because script is mainly made up of actions, and that's what makes it so different.

A script is supposed to tell a complete story, contain all the action in the film and all the dialogue for each character. It can also describe characters visually so filmmakers can try to capture their style and look.

I loved how easily the characters were able to talk to each other. I also enjoyed the corn part where they say. Kraai answer is so simple, but that also just makes it funny how common sense it is.

Kraai: For corn.

Corvo: But he’s guarding it.

Kraai: So we wait for the changing of the guard.

Corvo: But you just said he probably won’t leave.

Kraai: He has to.

Corvo: Why?

Kraai: So we can get corn.



I also enjoyed the ears part a lot.

Kraai: Shh… he’ll hear you.

Corvo: I’m not seeing ears on that ugly face of his.

Kraai: Of course you wouldn’t.

Corvo: Why?

Kraai: They wouldn’t be on his face. They would be in the field behind him.

Corvo: I was talking about ears as in hear-


Overall it was very well written, but try italicizing the names of the people who are about to speak next time. Really nice job though!

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL

Awsome!
I love scripts, because they challenge the writer to make a whole plot by only using dialouge. No one explains the story for the reader, and the reader has to get the idea jusy by reading people's talks. And you sucseeded!
At first I tried to understand what was going on. You created a picture in mind of two figures looking at a corn field with a suspicious muscular man standing in the center. later, the two figures turned to be birds!
What was the assignment? What were the instruction? I'm just curious.

When Corvo says: "I’m not seeing ears on that ugly face of his," Kraai answers "They wouldn’t be on his face. They would be in the field behind him," which is a great, funny line. After that, you decide to let Corvo explain what he meant. But what if he would say something else? or would DO something else? This might be less predictable for the reader, and cause a conflict!
For now, the scene is about two crows who wants corn but can't get it. That's a complicated enough conflict for a short scene like this, but if you'd like to develop it, you'd need something stronger.
What else do we know about the characters? We can understand that Corvo is smarter than Kraai, and that Kraai is the sillier one.
Maybe you could do something with that? Create an argument that's resulted from it? Maybe Corvo has had enough of living with such a dumb friend\spouse (elaborate about that, too!)?
What if the confilct is resulted from something the reader doesn't know about yet? That could be even more interesting. It could be about something visual, that the reader can't see, or about something from the past, when the reader wasn't hearing their talk.
You can do so much with it!
You are a very creative and a funny writer, I suggest you go and have some fun developing this to anything your mind goes.
Omer.

Hey there LordMomo! Tuck here with a quick review for you, brought to you by #RevMo

I enjoyed the humorous twist that you included in this story, as well as the dynamic of these two characters. It was a clever idea that was relatively well-executed. I also liked the way Corvo and Kraai were able to talk easily back-and-forth and their conversation felt natural. It made this story easy to read and entertaining, since it was fun to watch their banter.

One area I think you could improve is establishing the scene a little bit. I'm not very experienced with scripts, so I understand that to an extent the description you're able to show is limited by those conventions. Nonetheless, I think some factors like the time of day, some more background on where they are, and a few more clues into the character's motivations would strengthen this story. These are even things you could work into the dialogue pretty naturally -- for example, a character could mention the setting sun, or make a snide comment about the guard's well-polished boots. While you've done a good job of engaging the reader through the conversation, you have more opportunities to engage the reader by adding in some of these features.

One other small note is that the beginning of the conversation felt somewhat inorganic. Usually, when I'm in a situation where I'm one-on-one with someone that I know, I wouldn't use their name unless I had to get their attention or was otherwise making a point. Therefore, it felt a touch unnatural for them both to use the other's name within the first two lines of this story. Obviously, this is a minor detail, but I wanted to point it out to you nonetheless!

Overall, this was a humorous and entertaining story, and you put a fun and interesting twist that was enjoyable to read. The strongest element of this story, in my opinion, was the easy conversation between your two characters and the way that their miscommunication was entertaining to the reader. The best opportunity for improvement that I can see is adding in a few more descriptive elements to draw the reader further into the story and engage them in some areas outside of dialogue. I hope that, despite my inexperience with reading and reviewing scripts, some of these pointers were helpful to you! Please feel free to reach out with any questions.

Best,
Tuck

Hey, LordMomo! c: Thanks for requesting a review! I love, love reading your works around here. They are always so funny and this is no exception <3 I'm not that experienced with scripts, so I do apologize if this isn't that helpful or if I just say something stupid xD I do realize that this is a school assignment, so there may have been rules you had to follow. So if I say something about something you did and you had to do it because of the school assignment, just ignore it cx

So to start off, I think this was such a cute and cool idea! I love the idea of crows thinking the scarecrow is guard. This line was particularly funny for me

Kraai: So we wait for the changing of the guard.

Kraai: so we can get corn.

THE GAURD

Hi! I am so confused, when I read this, in the end I just thought that the crows wanted the corn but thought that the scarecrow was a real guard, am I right? Also, this is really small.... anyway, I think the crows are really cute