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The Guard

by LordMomo


THE GUARD

Corvo: Hey. Kraai.

Kraai: Yeah, Corvo?

Corvo: He’s still there.

Kraai: I know.

Corvo: Is he ever gonna leave?

Kraai: Probably not.

Corvo: So why are we here?

Kraai: For corn.

Corvo: But he’s guarding it.

Kraai: So we wait for the changing of the guard.

Corvo: But you just said he probably won’t leave.

Kraai: He has to.

Corvo: Why?

Kraai: So we can get corn.

Corvo: But-

Kraai: Shh… he’ll hear you.

Corvo: I’m not seeing ears on that ugly face of his.

Kraai: Of course you wouldn’t.

Corvo: Why?

Kraai: They wouldn’t be on his face. They would be in the field behind him.

Corvo: I was talking about ears as in hear-

Kraai: Shh...

A/N: This was a school assignment. Feel free to say whatever you want about it!


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Wed Nov 11, 2020 4:12 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi LordMomo! I'm here for the requested review ~ I'm so sorry how long it took me to get here!

I see you've already gotten some great reviews, so I'll try my best not to get too repetitive :)

The main thing I want to look at is the personalities of the two crows. Obviously this is a very short scene, so it might seem like there isn't much of a chance to differentiate them as characters, but I think you actually have a very good start on giving them separate personalities! I noticed that a lot of the time, you have Corvo being clueless and asking questions, with Kraai answering them/being impatient. I would suggest emphasizing this even more ~ for example, in the opening two lines:

Corvo: Hey. Kraai.

Kraai: Yeah, Corvo?

This is great as is, but if you change the wording slightly you can give the reader an even stronger impression of the two characters. Something like this:
Corvo: Hey. Kraai?
Kraai: Uhuh.

Now, in the first line, you've already started the pattern of Corvo asking and Kraai answering. This isn't necessary, but I do think it'd work well to further develop their characters!

Another suggestion I have is about these two lines ~
Kraai: Shh... he’ll hear you.
...
Kraai: Shh...

First, you'll see they both repeat "Shh...". Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but for such a short script, I'd suggest not repeating that, unless you feel it's adding to the character. Also, maybe consider using something more aggressive, like "Shut up!"? This really depends on if you want Kraai to be impatient and aggressive or patient and calm -> right now I'm getting impatient vibes, so I think impatient + aggressive would make the most sense, but if that's not how you want Kraai's character to be, that's fine too! And lastly, I don't feel like "Shh..." is the strongest way to end the script - especially because it ends in "..." which has the effect of making the piece feel unfinished. One possibility would be an ending like: "Well he's going to grow ears and hear us if you keep blabbering on like an idiot!" (again, only if you want Kraai to be a more aggressive character). Or perhaps, "I can't hear you." Totally up to you and how you want the script to end!

Overall, I think this is a really fun and lighthearted script, and definitely short & sweet! I like the dynamic you have between the two crows, and I think you're already doing a good job of conveying their different personalities. I'd mainly just suggest further emphasizing their personalities, mostly through little nitpicky word choice things! I hope this review is helpful, and again, so sorry for the delay.

Keep writing <3

whatcha




LordMomo says...


Thanks for the review!



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Tue Oct 27, 2020 8:17 pm
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LUNARGIRL wrote a review...



Great job on this even if it was a school assignment. I recommend though that you italicize the names of the people who are about to speak.

One thing I love about scripts is that they challenge the writer to write without talking about internal thoughts or feeling. Because script is mainly made up of actions, and that's what makes it so different.

A script is supposed to tell a complete story, contain all the action in the film and all the dialogue for each character. It can also describe characters visually so filmmakers can try to capture their style and look.

I loved how easily the characters were able to talk to each other. I also enjoyed the corn part where they say. Kraai answer is so simple, but that also just makes it funny how common sense it is.

Kraai: For corn.

Corvo: But he’s guarding it.

Kraai: So we wait for the changing of the guard.

Corvo: But you just said he probably won’t leave.

Kraai: He has to.

Corvo: Why?

Kraai: So we can get corn.



I also enjoyed the ears part a lot.

Kraai: Shh… he’ll hear you.

Corvo: I’m not seeing ears on that ugly face of his.

Kraai: Of course you wouldn’t.

Corvo: Why?

Kraai: They wouldn’t be on his face. They would be in the field behind him.

Corvo: I was talking about ears as in hear-


Overall it was very well written, but try italicizing the names of the people who are about to speak next time. Really nice job though!

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL




LordMomo says...


Thanks for the review!



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Fri Oct 09, 2020 2:07 pm
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omer wrote a review...



Awsome!
I love scripts, because they challenge the writer to make a whole plot by only using dialouge. No one explains the story for the reader, and the reader has to get the idea jusy by reading people's talks. And you sucseeded!
At first I tried to understand what was going on. You created a picture in mind of two figures looking at a corn field with a suspicious muscular man standing in the center. later, the two figures turned to be birds!
What was the assignment? What were the instruction? I'm just curious.

When Corvo says: "I’m not seeing ears on that ugly face of his," Kraai answers "They wouldn’t be on his face. They would be in the field behind him," which is a great, funny line. After that, you decide to let Corvo explain what he meant. But what if he would say something else? or would DO something else? This might be less predictable for the reader, and cause a conflict!
For now, the scene is about two crows who wants corn but can't get it. That's a complicated enough conflict for a short scene like this, but if you'd like to develop it, you'd need something stronger.
What else do we know about the characters? We can understand that Corvo is smarter than Kraai, and that Kraai is the sillier one.
Maybe you could do something with that? Create an argument that's resulted from it? Maybe Corvo has had enough of living with such a dumb friend\spouse (elaborate about that, too!)?
What if the confilct is resulted from something the reader doesn't know about yet? That could be even more interesting. It could be about something visual, that the reader can't see, or about something from the past, when the reader wasn't hearing their talk.
You can do so much with it!
You are a very creative and a funny writer, I suggest you go and have some fun developing this to anything your mind goes.
Omer. :)




LordMomo says...


Thanks for the review!



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Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there LordMomo! Tuck here with a quick review for you, brought to you by #RevMo

I enjoyed the humorous twist that you included in this story, as well as the dynamic of these two characters. It was a clever idea that was relatively well-executed. I also liked the way Corvo and Kraai were able to talk easily back-and-forth and their conversation felt natural. It made this story easy to read and entertaining, since it was fun to watch their banter.

One area I think you could improve is establishing the scene a little bit. I'm not very experienced with scripts, so I understand that to an extent the description you're able to show is limited by those conventions. Nonetheless, I think some factors like the time of day, some more background on where they are, and a few more clues into the character's motivations would strengthen this story. These are even things you could work into the dialogue pretty naturally -- for example, a character could mention the setting sun, or make a snide comment about the guard's well-polished boots. While you've done a good job of engaging the reader through the conversation, you have more opportunities to engage the reader by adding in some of these features.

One other small note is that the beginning of the conversation felt somewhat inorganic. Usually, when I'm in a situation where I'm one-on-one with someone that I know, I wouldn't use their name unless I had to get their attention or was otherwise making a point. Therefore, it felt a touch unnatural for them both to use the other's name within the first two lines of this story. Obviously, this is a minor detail, but I wanted to point it out to you nonetheless!

Overall, this was a humorous and entertaining story, and you put a fun and interesting twist that was enjoyable to read. The strongest element of this story, in my opinion, was the easy conversation between your two characters and the way that their miscommunication was entertaining to the reader. The best opportunity for improvement that I can see is adding in a few more descriptive elements to draw the reader further into the story and engage them in some areas outside of dialogue. I hope that, despite my inexperience with reading and reviewing scripts, some of these pointers were helpful to you! Please feel free to reach out with any questions.

Best,
Tuck




LordMomo says...


thanks for the review! the guard is actually a scarecrow, not a human :D



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Sun Sep 20, 2020 12:39 am
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey, LordMomo! c: Thanks for requesting a review! I love, love reading your works around here. They are always so funny and this is no exception <3 I'm not that experienced with scripts, so I do apologize if this isn't that helpful or if I just say something stupid xD I do realize that this is a school assignment, so there may have been rules you had to follow. So if I say something about something you did and you had to do it because of the school assignment, just ignore it cx

So to start off, I think this was such a cute and cool idea! I love the idea of crows thinking the scarecrow is guard. This line was particularly funny for me

Kraai: So we wait for the changing of the guard.


Changing of the guard is such a formal process, and I find it funny referenced with a scarecrow! Overall, this is a very unique idea, and I definitely enjoyed reading it! You're quite creative :D I'd love to offer you some suggestions if you go back and edit this!

I have one small nitpick that I would like to get out of the way first

Kraai: so we can get corn.


You usually capitalized the beginning of each line, except for this one. Maybe there's something I'm missing, but if not, I recommend remaining consistent in your capitalization c:

One small other thing

THE GAURD


I believe you meant "GUARD" I didn't even realize this for so long oops

One thing that I noticed while reading is that all of your sentences are really short. At first I thought, I guess that makes sense since animals aren't really that smart. But then I thought crows were intelligent, so I looked it up, and science says they are pretty smart. I'm not saying you have to make them sound smart; I'm just saying that I think it would be fun to make some sentences longer and others shorter, instead of them all being short. It can get, hm. Boring isn't really the right word. Maybe repetitive? Anyways, this is just something to think about!

Another thought I had while reading was expanding on the description of the scarecrow. You gave the comparison of the "changing of the guard," but how else does it resemble a guard? Perhaps his attire can be seen as a "uniform" by the crows. Maybe he has a symbol on his hat that the crows thing is his nation's flag. These are just some suggestions that I think could make this piece more humorous!

Also, rereading this, Kraai cracks me up xD Haha, he says the guard won't leave but is still waiting for him to leave. And the ears thing? cx You put a lot in such a short composition! I think that's great!

Okay I just had another idea. Perhaps you could do a pun on the word "ear"? Like how there's the ear of corn. Corvo is talking about ears as in hearing, and Kraai misinterprets it as ear of corn. I'll give an example of what I'm talking about it in the spoiler below (I'm just making this off the top of my head):

Spoiler! :
Kraai: Shh... he'll hear you.

Corvo: I'm not seeing ears on that ugly face of his.

Kraai: Of course you wouldn't.

Corvo: Why?

Kraai: They wouldn't be on his face. They would be in the field behind him.

Corvo: No, I'm talking about ears, as in hear-

Kraai: Shh....


But this is just a random suggestion that popped in my head randomly xD

Overall, I think you did a really nice job with this! This was such a fun read and cool idea, and I really enjoyed reading about two crows and a scarecrow :P I hope this helped! <3




LordMomo says...


thanks for the review! i appreciate your suggestions!



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Sat Sep 19, 2020 4:43 pm
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rida says...



Hi! I am so confused, when I read this, in the end I just thought that the crows wanted the corn but thought that the scarecrow was a real guard, am I right? Also, this is really small.... anyway, I think the crows are really cute




LordMomo says...


thanks for the review, @rida !




The greatest part of a writer’s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.
— Samuel Johnson