Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Script » Realistic

E - Everyone

The Guard

by LordMomo


THE GUARD

Corvo: Hey. Kraai.

Kraai: Yeah, Corvo?

Corvo: He’s still there.

Kraai: I know.

Corvo: Is he ever gonna leave?

Kraai: Probably not.

Corvo: So why are we here?

Kraai: For corn.

Corvo: But he’s guarding it.

Kraai: So we wait for the changing of the guard.

Corvo: But you just said he probably won’t leave.

Kraai: He has to.

Corvo: Why?

Kraai: So we can get corn.

Corvo: But-

Kraai: Shh… he’ll hear you.

Corvo: I’m not seeing ears on that ugly face of his.

Kraai: Of course you wouldn’t.

Corvo: Why?

Kraai: They wouldn’t be on his face. They would be in the field behind him.

Corvo: I was talking about ears as in hear-

Kraai: Shh...

A/N: This was a school assignment. Feel free to say whatever you want about it!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 207
Reviews: 10

Donate
Fri Oct 09, 2020 2:07 pm
View Likes
omer wrote a review...



Awsome!
I love scripts, because they challenge the writer to make a whole plot by only using dialouge. No one explains the story for the reader, and the reader has to get the idea jusy by reading people's talks. And you sucseeded!
At first I tried to understand what was going on. You created a picture in mind of two figures looking at a corn field with a suspicious muscular man standing in the center. later, the two figures turned to be birds!
What was the assignment? What were the instruction? I'm just curious.

When Corvo says: "I’m not seeing ears on that ugly face of his," Kraai answers "They wouldn’t be on his face. They would be in the field behind him," which is a great, funny line. After that, you decide to let Corvo explain what he meant. But what if he would say something else? or would DO something else? This might be less predictable for the reader, and cause a conflict!
For now, the scene is about two crows who wants corn but can't get it. That's a complicated enough conflict for a short scene like this, but if you'd like to develop it, you'd need something stronger.
What else do we know about the characters? We can understand that Corvo is smarter than Kraai, and that Kraai is the sillier one.
Maybe you could do something with that? Create an argument that's resulted from it? Maybe Corvo has had enough of living with such a dumb friend\spouse (elaborate about that, too!)?
What if the confilct is resulted from something the reader doesn't know about yet? That could be even more interesting. It could be about something visual, that the reader can't see, or about something from the past, when the reader wasn't hearing their talk.
You can do so much with it!
You are a very creative and a funny writer, I suggest you go and have some fun developing this to anything your mind goes.
Omer. :)




LordMomo says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar
525 Reviews


Points: 27067
Reviews: 525

Donate
Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:06 am
View Likes
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there LordMomo! Tuck here with a quick review for you, brought to you by #RevMo

I enjoyed the humorous twist that you included in this story, as well as the dynamic of these two characters. It was a clever idea that was relatively well-executed. I also liked the way Corvo and Kraai were able to talk easily back-and-forth and their conversation felt natural. It made this story easy to read and entertaining, since it was fun to watch their banter.

One area I think you could improve is establishing the scene a little bit. I'm not very experienced with scripts, so I understand that to an extent the description you're able to show is limited by those conventions. Nonetheless, I think some factors like the time of day, some more background on where they are, and a few more clues into the character's motivations would strengthen this story. These are even things you could work into the dialogue pretty naturally -- for example, a character could mention the setting sun, or make a snide comment about the guard's well-polished boots. While you've done a good job of engaging the reader through the conversation, you have more opportunities to engage the reader by adding in some of these features.

One other small note is that the beginning of the conversation felt somewhat inorganic. Usually, when I'm in a situation where I'm one-on-one with someone that I know, I wouldn't use their name unless I had to get their attention or was otherwise making a point. Therefore, it felt a touch unnatural for them both to use the other's name within the first two lines of this story. Obviously, this is a minor detail, but I wanted to point it out to you nonetheless!

Overall, this was a humorous and entertaining story, and you put a fun and interesting twist that was enjoyable to read. The strongest element of this story, in my opinion, was the easy conversation between your two characters and the way that their miscommunication was entertaining to the reader. The best opportunity for improvement that I can see is adding in a few more descriptive elements to draw the reader further into the story and engage them in some areas outside of dialogue. I hope that, despite my inexperience with reading and reviewing scripts, some of these pointers were helpful to you! Please feel free to reach out with any questions.

Best,
Tuck




LordMomo says...


thanks for the review! the guard is actually a scarecrow, not a human :D



User avatar
203 Reviews


Points: 17151
Reviews: 203

Donate
Sun Sep 20, 2020 12:39 am
View Likes
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey, LordMomo! c: Thanks for requesting a review! I love, love reading your works around here. They are always so funny and this is no exception <3 I'm not that experienced with scripts, so I do apologize if this isn't that helpful or if I just say something stupid xD I do realize that this is a school assignment, so there may have been rules you had to follow. So if I say something about something you did and you had to do it because of the school assignment, just ignore it cx

So to start off, I think this was such a cute and cool idea! I love the idea of crows thinking the scarecrow is guard. This line was particularly funny for me

Kraai: So we wait for the changing of the guard.


Changing of the guard is such a formal process, and I find it funny referenced with a scarecrow! Overall, this is a very unique idea, and I definitely enjoyed reading it! You're quite creative :D I'd love to offer you some suggestions if you go back and edit this!

I have one small nitpick that I would like to get out of the way first

Kraai: so we can get corn.


You usually capitalized the beginning of each line, except for this one. Maybe there's something I'm missing, but if not, I recommend remaining consistent in your capitalization c:

One small other thing

THE GAURD


I believe you meant "GUARD" I didn't even realize this for so long oops

One thing that I noticed while reading is that all of your sentences are really short. At first I thought, I guess that makes sense since animals aren't really that smart. But then I thought crows were intelligent, so I looked it up, and science says they are pretty smart. I'm not saying you have to make them sound smart; I'm just saying that I think it would be fun to make some sentences longer and others shorter, instead of them all being short. It can get, hm. Boring isn't really the right word. Maybe repetitive? Anyways, this is just something to think about!

Another thought I had while reading was expanding on the description of the scarecrow. You gave the comparison of the "changing of the guard," but how else does it resemble a guard? Perhaps his attire can be seen as a "uniform" by the crows. Maybe he has a symbol on his hat that the crows thing is his nation's flag. These are just some suggestions that I think could make this piece more humorous!

Also, rereading this, Kraai cracks me up xD Haha, he says the guard won't leave but is still waiting for him to leave. And the ears thing? cx You put a lot in such a short composition! I think that's great!

Okay I just had another idea. Perhaps you could do a pun on the word "ear"? Like how there's the ear of corn. Corvo is talking about ears as in hearing, and Kraai misinterprets it as ear of corn. I'll give an example of what I'm talking about it in the spoiler below (I'm just making this off the top of my head):

Spoiler! :
Kraai: Shh... he'll hear you.

Corvo: I'm not seeing ears on that ugly face of his.

Kraai: Of course you wouldn't.

Corvo: Why?

Kraai: They wouldn't be on his face. They would be in the field behind him.

Corvo: No, I'm talking about ears, as in hear-

Kraai: Shh....


But this is just a random suggestion that popped in my head randomly xD

Overall, I think you did a really nice job with this! This was such a fun read and cool idea, and I really enjoyed reading about two crows and a scarecrow :P I hope this helped! <3




LordMomo says...


thanks for the review! i appreciate your suggestions!



User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 263
Reviews: 20

Donate
Sat Sep 19, 2020 4:43 pm
View Likes
rida says...



Hi! I am so confused, when I read this, in the end I just thought that the crows wanted the corn but thought that the scarecrow was a real guard, am I right? Also, this is really small.... anyway, I think the crows are really cute




LordMomo says...


thanks for the review, @rida !




Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li