z

Young Writers Society


12+

I am Mari (Chapter 1)

by momonster


Day 11 of testing. 03:57. 12/25/50

The test subject (TS) is still inactive, and has not responded to the chemicals given. The chemicals given were supposed to heal the body 30% faster and to wake it up, but this has been unsuccessful. The surgeries have been successful, and the engineers are quite happy with the results. Dr. Eta, signing off. Hail to Harvard!

                                     

Day 12 of testing. 07:03. 12/26/50

TS is showing signs of reacting to chemicals. It appears to be waking up, and we will soon be able to commence with more tests. I am happy with this result. Hail to Harvard!

                                              

Day 13. 01:07. 12/27/50

TS has escaped. Search parties are out now.

                                         

                         

                      

                               

I run. It is what I do best. I run into the sun, away from hell. Away from the needles, the knives, the pain when I have no nerves. Away from the fear. I run, for I am fast. Why? I am TS. That is why. Test Subject. I should listen to them. I did once. But I died when I did. They took me, changed me, broke me. Dr. Eta told them to. All because they needed a warrior.

I run into the sunrise, into the pure, unbroken light. My sensors feel metal behind me, traveling as fast as they can, which is almost as fast as me. They thought I would be slower, but I tricked them. I ran slowly when they tested. They though that was my maximum speed. They thought I was obedient. They were wrong.

I ping, knowing they will hear it, but I need to hide. To trick. To camouflage. A cave is near, but they will know about that. I see moving metal behind me. I see an explosion of the metal. They overloaded. They were worried that would happen to me. But they were wrong. That is one of the many things they were wrong about. They were wrong about so may things.

There. A hole. A water hole. The regulars use them. Have I really run that far? I must have. They do not see it, for they scan for metal and terrain. Not stone. They debated whether to make me of stone or not, but Dr. Eta said they would not be able to find me if they did. They cannot scan for stone.

I jump, leaving a bomb fifteen yards behind me. It explodes, and I am in water. I cannot feel it, but I see the water. They will think I overloaded and blew up. They will need to start again. I will have to go and destroy the factory before they can, and I must kill Dr. Eta.

I had a name once. They tried to wipe me, but I clung to that name while they did, hoping I would remember that one sliver of hope. It is faint, but I remember.

I am Mari.

                                   

                              

                                    

I lay there for some time, feeling as they investigate. They say there are bomb fragments, not TS fragments. They say I have tricked them. Where am I? they ask. They cannot scan for me. I am encased in my salvation. Stone. They cannot scan through stone.

I am tuned into their channel, and they do not know I am there. That is how they designed me. To be invisible. They say Eta is coming to see for herself. She will not find me. I am 20 feet deep in this water hole. I have hidden myself against the rock, camouflaged.

A car rumbles. I feel it. Dr. Eta is here. I feel her high heels vibrating through the ground. She demands a report. The poor soldier says they had chased me all the way out here. There was an explosion, and then I was gone.

"Did it ping?" the doctor demands.

"Yes sir. Shortly before it blew up." The soldier stammers.

Eta growls, an animalistic sound that scares me half to death. If I could die. I cannot die. I have been made to withstand the blows of 20 tanks armed with the most powerful explosives in the world. I can withstand 50 machine guns for 2 hours. And yet they think I am dead. Humans are small minded. They would be better off with me as their leader.

I shake my head. That is what Eta wants me to think. That is why they made me. To rule the world. And through me, they will rule the universe. That is the reason for my existence.


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Mon Sep 20, 2021 4:05 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Momo!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

Okay. When I had started reading, I had not expected it to go the way it did. The test records in the beginning made me curios, effectively pulling us into the story. But knce the actual narration started, I could not look up from the story. Some of it has to do with your use of short sentences that make you read on to find out more until you knkw everything. It is great for building tensiin and I think you have very appropriately used them in this story.

I think I get the general plot of the story. I can feel that it is going to be a journey of rediscovering her identity for Mari. The scientists have used her, rebuilt her, and made her into a weapon through which they can rule all. I really like where you are going with this. It feels like a battle against the world for yourself, and I can already see how this can be a lesson for many people.

You did a very good job in already adding Dr. Eta in my hate list. Her character is extremely selfish and despicable. In fact the entire organization (of scientists) seems like a bunch of overpowered people just waiting to take over. I hope these guys do not represent the entire humanity.

Overall, you have set a very interesting story here. I for one cannot wait to join Mari in her adventures and her journey for self disvovery!

Keep writing and have a great day!




momonster says...


Thank you!!



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Wed Jun 23, 2021 7:37 pm
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Omni wrote a review...



Hey there, Momo! Thank you for requesting me to review your novel. Let's get into it!

The test subject (TS) is still inactive, and has not responded to the chemicals given. The chemicals given were supposed to heal the body 30% faster and to wake it up, but this has been unsuccessful. The surgeries have been successful, and the engineers are quite happy with the results. Dr. Eta, signing off. Hail to Harvard!


I wonder if these are scientific notes, or more governmental notes. Honestly, no matter which one they were, I think this could be re-worded to have greater effect. For example:

Test subject (TS) still inactive. No response to formula. Host body recovering at normal rate. Monitors indicate subject is still unconscious, despite efforts. Initial rounds of surgeries successful.


etc. etc. This is just a rough re-wording, but it still manages to convey the same message as your original paragraph, but it sounds much more official and science-y. Confusing, but the reader gets the drift of what you're intending to say. Honestly, though, you can keep it the way it is, just a suggestion.

Hail to Harvard... interesting. Last I checked, Harvard was a school xD not some ruling overlords. But! A lot can change in thirty years. I'm interest in seeing how this comes about. Also, Merry Christmas, our Harvard overlords. Hope it was a good one.

TS has escaped. Search parties are out now.



Awww no more hail to harvard?? sad

pain when I have no nerves


This is a weird description

I am TS. That is why. Test Subject.


I feel like this would be more powerful (especially with the I am Mari line later) if you change it to "They call me TS. Test Subject." This person doesn't call themselves Test Subject. They call themselves Mari.

for they scan for metal and terrain.


Terrain includes stone, though.

--

I am wondering what Mari went through to make them need to be healed 30% faster (and fail) just two days before this. Also, Mari has only gone through 12 days of testing? I assumed it would be more than that.

I think that this chapter could have ended with the "I am Mari" line. It would require some restructure of the chapter, with maybe some more existential "who am i" stuff after Eta comes around, but it's far more impactful than how you ended the chapter right now.

Right now, a lot of this is pretty vague, existential stuff with some vague descriptions and imagery attached to it. I think this is a trap that a lot of writers fall into is to make the first chapter or prologue sound poetic or more poetic than prose. However, it ends up making the premise vague and weighed down with vague imagery and vague messages that don't really hold any water because it's such a new piece. All of this talk about "this is what they made me" doesn't really resonate with me because I have no idea who Mari is. I would love to see more of this action here, and less focus on just the existential crisis. Perhaps we could have a scene of Mari waking up, having the existential crisis, then escaping the test center and into the woods. It would expand the action chase scene far more while still allowing that existential impact that you're wanting. It would also fill out the plot and the chapter more. Right now, this chapter is incredibly small, even for YWS' sake. So, some fleshing out would definitely help you out here.

Excited to read more! Hope this helped! Also, definitely want to start a conversation, so I would love to know your thoughts.




momonster says...


Thanks so so much for the very helpful review! :)



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Tue Feb 09, 2021 9:49 pm
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MapleWay wrote a review...



Hey! Maple Way here, with a review!

This is a great first chapter! Here are some grammatical errors and things I liked!



Things I liked


The chemicals given were supposed to heal the body 30% faster and to wake it up, but this has been unsuccessful. The surgeries have been successful, and the engineers are quite happy with the results.


I love the unknown aspect you added to it. It makes the reader want to continue reading and makes them await the next chapter!


They tried to wipe me, but I clung to that name while they did, hoping I would remember that one sliver of hope. It is faint, but I remember.

I am Mari.


This was such a powerful moment! I could feel the thought put into it!



Gramatical Errors


They though that was my maximum speed. They thought I was obedient.


It should be "thought" not "though."


They were wrong about so may things.


It should be "many" not "may."


I jump, leaving a bomb fifteen yards behind me. It explodes, and I am in water.


It should be "the water" not "water."


Humans are small minded. They would be better off with me as their leader.


It should be "small-minded" not "small minded."


This is going to be a great story! Can't wait to read the next chapter!




momonster says...


Thank you!



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Sat Jan 02, 2021 5:16 pm
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Riverlight wrote a review...



Hey, Momo! I'm here at long last! c:

Whoa. So, after the TS notes, that first main paragraph really just blows me away. I definitely want to read this!

They were wrong about so may things.

I'm guessing you meant "many," not "may."

Right off the bat, I think Mari is a bit arrogant and somewhat overconfident, as well as biased in her thinking that all humans are small-minded.

For some improvement, I think you could manipulate the sentence structures that you've used here. Instead of just having mostly independent clauses, try experimenting with independent + 2 dependents, or combining clauses, etc, so as to vary the overall structure and keep the reader involved. Without varying the sentence structure, your story might feel dull (to some, not all).

I'll get to chapter two later today! Have a nice [*insert time of day here]!!!




momonster says...


Thanks for the review!



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Mon Dec 07, 2020 3:23 pm
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Asynchronous wrote a review...



Hi @LordMomo, I'm Async here to review your work!

This was a very intriguing first chapter. It really got me hooked at the begining with the diffrent logs at the begining. I did feel like they could be lengthened and added more details to make into a prolouge which I always finds helps a book to get me hooked.
I really like the story so far, it feels mysterious especially with the "Hail Harvard" part. I did feel like some of your scenetence structures felt a little bit repetative with the I... and They... I would try to very it up to keep the reader intrested by just putting a diffrent word that the begining of the scentence.
Some of the writing felt a bit clunky and hard to follow because of formatting reasons. Nothing major, some of it could have been broken up better.
Overall, this was such an amazing first chapter. I can't wait to delve deeper into the world that this is set in. Its mysterious and I love it. Until next time, keep up the good work!




momonster says...


Thank you!



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Sat Dec 05, 2020 5:27 am
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DreamyAlice wrote a review...



Its such a nice story and its simply written that the best part of it because I hate the stories that is just written so confusingly that we need to search the words in dictionary or probably online every time and that makes it boring and uninteresting .

I like fantasy very much and the imagery in the poem is well written.

You didn't open everything in the first chapter that is needed to get people hooked in the story and wait for the next chapter like what is Harvard in "Hail the Harvard".

I wrote the review late the second chapter has already been published
Bye! I am going to read it.




momonster says...


Thank you!



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Thu Dec 03, 2020 11:58 pm
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starbean wrote a review...



I was hooked on every word! I want to hear the rest of the story. I like how exciting it was, and how smart Mari is. It reminds me a little of Tuck Everlasting, because it said that Mari cannot die, just like the Tucks in Tuck Everlasting, and it shows some of the consequences of that. I want to hear more! It was well written, and it shows the fact of life that you can't control people.

I am not normally a fan of sci-fi or fantasy, but this is an exception. It captures a lot of the laws of humanity. Being immortal isn't great, and you can't control people. I love it!




momonster says...


Thanks for the review! I'll have a mod delete the other posts (:



starbean says...


Thanks!



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Tue Dec 01, 2020 2:22 am
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timestamp wrote a review...



The concept of this piece makes me think of Stranger Things, especially the first episode. I don’t know if this is is inspired by it, but it reminded me of that. I think Mari is a really interesting character. It is clear that is is afraid of the world around her, but also thinks of humans as lesser, and even though this is only the first chapter we can already see her grapple with the contrast between her differing opinions. I think she will have to learn to trust allies around her (if she gains any in the future) to overthrow the humans that are using her.

Though I’m not the biggest fan of dystopian/sci-if novels and the concept of this story in particular took a few read through to really get ahold of, I think it’s going to turn out really wel and I’m excited to see the rest of it.

-timestamp




momonster says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Nov 29, 2020 7:16 pm
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piyaliarchives says...



OMG wow. The concept is so amazing. Writers usually write from the doctors/ scientists point of view. But never from the test subjects view. This story was so simple, yet so impressive. I want to hear more of Mari's story. Keep up the work! I will stay tuned as you post them :D




momonster says...


Thank you!



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Sat Nov 28, 2020 11:24 pm
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Lionhero333 wrote a review...



Hey there,

This is a pretty good start. I had planned to go into detail but I won't go to far the reason being is that your profile says your 12 if thats true then that means your still learning.

I was a bit inclined to say i like it being the name Mari is similar to mine. I wouldve liked this piece to be more about the escape from the doctor's eyes since thats whom we start off with. Also how long have they been running test? The only reason I ask is because it seems a short bit of time to plan an escape and it be done successfully so easily. I would make the time frame for experiments longer.

The Hail Havard thing made me chuckle... I immediately thought of Hail Hydra.

Dont be afraid to get into the gritty details, rather over share in your rough drafts and or finished works rather than underwhelm.

Also another piece of advice is dont tell the readers everything. Dont tell them your main character escaped explain the pain and all they endured in one place and then just explain the feeling of the sunshine on their face and how the ground felt, which you somewhat did which was great.

Well keep writing and I look forward to more. If you agree with what I say cool... If not then disregard it keep what is useless and throwaway the rest.




momonster says...


Thanks



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Sat Nov 28, 2020 11:14 pm
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Ichthys wrote a review...



Wow, I am enjoying this so far.

Other than the few spelling mistakes Penn pointed out, the grammar is good, and I don't see any other mistakes.

The log entries have me intrigued. One can really tell that the third is rushed, as is doesn't have the phrase "of testing" in the heading or the "Hail to Harvard" ending. I can't wait to find out just who/what this Harvard is.




momonster says...


Thank you for the review!



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Sat Nov 28, 2020 7:37 pm
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NastyMajesty wrote a review...



Heyo Momo! I'll be popping in here for a quick little review, nice to see ya!
Woah. Just woah. I have a feeling that I'm going to be closely following this series...
BUT DANNNNG this is really interesting (not the right word but close enough xD). I love how you introduced the chapter during the process of experimenting on TS (really smart name btw lol). Also.... I did notice a little something...

Dr. Eta is here. I feel her high heels vibrating through the ground.
You mention Dr. Eta is female here.... but in this quote, the soldier says
"Yes sir. Shortly before it blew up." The soldier stammers.
XD Was this intentional? That's about the only thing that I noticed, other than that...
...WOOO CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!! :D Keep it up, and keep writing!
~ (: Your friendly neighborhood Majesty of Nastiness ~




momonster says...


Thanks for the review! He calls her sir because ma'am doesn't sound very military-ish, if you know what I mean. (:


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NastyMajesty says...


Ohhh! Yeah that makes sense now lol



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Sat Nov 28, 2020 7:26 pm
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penngreen4776 wrote a review...



Hello, hi, and happy holidays! (am I allowed to say that yet?) I'm penn, it's nice to meet you, and this is a very pleasant little chapter.

Everything about this is pretty fine, and there are a few spelling mistakes I caught. Second paragraph after the neat little dated entries of Dr. Eta, near the end, "They thought I was obidient." It's spelled obedient.

And in the paragraph before "I am Mari.", "They tried to wipe me, but I clung to that name while they did, hoping I would remeber that one sliver of hope." It's "remember," though since you spelled it correctly on the sentence directly after, I just imagine you didn't catch it.

That's only what I've been able to catch anyway. These are just small nitpicks and misspellings, easily fixed, and they don't detract from the enjoyableness of this chapter.

Mari is interesting, though I'm not entirely sure what she might be. An android, a cyborg reminiscent of Robocop? It sounds like it's going to be a fun journey to find out, though her priorities keep switching in the beginning.

Either way, I like this. It, strangely enough, reminds me something else I had written. Because of that, you get two thumbs up.




momonster says...


Thank you for the review!




It's been many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable.
— Mr Collins, Pride and Prejudice