Title: The Janitors
Prologue:
A plot is stirring. The darkness rising. Soon, the world will be cleansed. The lives of millions of mutants throughout the earth lie in the decisions of a few. Decisions influenced by money, hatred, love and revenge...
--------------------------------------------------
Justin walked anxiously down a dark hall, toward a faint blue glow at the end. Now the plan was finalized, everything in place. All that was missing was the ignition.
He pulled out his diary and a green pen. It was black, in the top corner was the date: 2004. He had labeled it as Justin Shrub, The Secretary. He flipped through the pages of unruly sketches, brainstorms and mind-maps, extracting sense where there appeared to be none, until he found the list he was searching for.
Let's see, everything is green for go. Only one more thing, to let the fireworks begin
He checked an objective: the only objective on the page that had not been checked: Initiate the Plan. Justin put away his journal. He chuckled.
Well Justin, here you are. Working for The Commander with his rough, whispery voice and a hatred for mutants so potent he'd die killing the last one and himself than risk letting him live. Now you're going to deliver the message to end mutants once and for all. He's mad... and rich; you've hit the jackpot this time my boy.
"Proud of me now, Dad?" He said quietly while looking upwards.
The glow had dissipated, now becoming a more defined scene; a room with computers and scientists in every chair. Justin stood on a platform stretching from one side of the room to the other: a bridge. Below him, men and women in white lab coats and jeans scurried around and typed into their computers. One or two jokers sat drinking coffee and chatting.
Justin took a deep breath.
"Halt!" he began, and every face turned to him. "I have a message from the Commander. I hope you've been doing your work," this statement was directed at the loafers, "because it's time..."
There was a nervous silence, then cheers erupted through the hall. Struggling to be audible above the cheers Justin said, "Let the Genocide begin!"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
those few italicized sentences at the very beginning reminded me so much of the watchmen graphic novel. Rorschach's (sp?) journal. not saying you're copying, just saying that they do.
I have to say, this was a bit confusing
. I liked it, but you need to clear things up. Like who are the Mutants? Be a bit more descriptive and explanatory. Otherwise, no one will have any idea what in the world you are talking about.
Maybe it’s just me, but this paragraph seems a bit weird, and you put a period where a comma should have gone:
Hey Hero,
Be specific: I'm going to impress upon you the vital need to choose words that perfectly convey the emotions that you feel to the reader. This often means choosing simpler words than ones that slightly detract from your desired effect. I'll give you a couple of examples:
Here's my promised review:
Honestly I think this premise of yours is awesome. You have perfectly captured my attention, offering just enough mystery to make me ask the question you want me to ask: "What is this plan about?"
As is my usual style of critique, I'm going to mention one or two points that you might find help you build the idea up into something more.
The term ignition actually means starting of a fire, such as it is derived from the word "ignite". You might have meant "instigation". Now, you could also have said, "All that remained was putting it into effect". But I'm going to get a little deeper into the idea of being specific.
You need to always ensure that you have pointed directly to what you intend to point to. I'll explain what I mean from this quote:
The instigation of the plan was not an actual part of the plan. The plan is the course of action that your character's will take to ensure that the plan is completed. The instigation is the following of this plan. When, as a narrator, you describe things in a way that does not truly reflect how they are, you lose some of your credibility as a narrator.
Here's how I would have written it:
Note the separation between the theory of the plan's discussion and its implementation. The plan is perfect while the fact that it is ready is clearly indicated.
If there's no benefit to telling us that it is green, don't tell us it is. You want to describe important details very specifically, but avoid describing those details that are unimportant.
he's admitting that his act is pure evil. This also means that if any of his men are good people, they won't listen to him. You need to build more three dimensional villains. He should use propaganda to get people on his side. He should paint a utopia of what the world might be like after the operation, and perhaps even believe it himself.
Okay, I think those are the most important points. The description and specificness ones are very important to bear in mind throughout your piece.
You have a really intriguing start here that only needs some minor tweaking. I'm really impressed and would certainly read more.
Have a great one!
I've editted according to your reviews. Hopefully I didn't miss anything. The story itself is still a bit loose but it'll fall in. Thanks for the reviews.
Thank you for the reviews. Just need a bit more before I can edit and start Chap 1, I'll keep you posted.
Thanks
Let me just start off by saying that your title hooked me. I don't know what it was, but for some reason, seeing a story called "The Janitors" in Action/Adventure was intriguing. I was either imagining some secret agent janitors, or a twist on idea of a janitor. I'm still not certain where this is going, but the hook remains.
This sentence just seems to detract from its paragraph. It's so descriptive and not really furthering any story point. Maybe put some sort of action in it. For example: He flipped through the pages of unruly sketches, brainstorms and mindmaps, extracting sense where there appeared to be none, until he found the list he was searching for.
I dunno... That sentence just really bothers me.
The punctuation be very wonky in this sentence of yours.
Rewrite.
Justin took a deep breath.
"Halt!" he began, and every face turned to him. "I have a message from the Commander. I hope you've been doing your work," this statement was directed at the loafers, "because it's time..."
That comma isn't necessary in there.
Also, I sort of second Hippie's comments about the "odd scene" and whatnot. It was a bit distracting and kind of overly melodramatic. Even if you are going for a kind of spoof, they're still rather annoying.
All in all, I'm curious to see where this thing goes. The title, combined with what I've actually read, has me hooked.
~GryphonFledgling
You did a good job of the "hook" with the genocide thing at the end of the chapter, but not revealing anything more. It makes me wonder what's going to happen next.
I'm not a fan of character's talking to themselves, because in reality nobody does it. I think you should turn this:
Into a thought rather than speech.
Grrrrrr. No. Please don't tell me you have Matthew Reilly syndrome. These two lines can be scrapped and this piece will be so much better. Don't make me bang my head against the wall, because I have a brick wall, and it will hurt
Ignoring that though, this is a great setup. Straight to the point, no beating about the bush, and no purple prose. I won't check for grammar, because that's a computer's job. Not much stuck out while I was reading though, so it's probably mostly fine.
Hey. Its IR here to review. I hope you get something out of this.
i got confused on what ticked meant. Maybe like checked or whatever you meant.
The part about the world being cleansed is really essential. I don't know what you're planning but its a key for the bad guys to think with know doubt that its totally right. Well, that's assuming the people in the prologue are the bad guys are the bad ones.
The style is really good. It balances description and other things well. I look forward to reading more. Keep it up!
Very, very interesting first line. Awesome.
What dark hall? you haven't mentioned it before, so it shouldnt be "the" dark hall, but "a" dark hall. Also, I would edit this, so that it reads:
"Justin walked anxiously down a dark hall, toward a faint blue glow at the end."
This sentence felt far too long. You should divide it, or perhaps edit it:
"The glow had dissipated, now becoming a more defined scene; a room with computers with scientists in every chair."
I liked it, and will definitely read more!
This is a very interesting start to a novel i would be very interested in reading more of.
But I did notice a few mistakes.
Firstly, put a comma after thing in the sentence "Only one more thing to let the fireworks begin."
And I thought that the paragraph that starts with "It was a funny scene indeed" didnt really flow or make much sense to me. Firstly "The commander" should be in speech marks and also who was you describing in this, Justin or The commander? You should have put a full stop after "to the commander" and started the next sentence, or paragraph if you are describing the commander, with the name of the person you deatiling.
I also thought that for a prologue you didn't set the back story/ history of what you are writing about whatsoever. Who are these Mutants? Who is these scientist? What year is this set? Is this even set on this planet? The prologue for me should cover all these details and keep the reader hooked to read more.
I liked this piece man and hope to read the next chapter.