Preview
My hair whipped my face like a thousand jelly fish but I didn't care I needed to get out of here, my eyes had started to sting like there's was no tomorrow. I kept running until I ran out of breath and stopped to catch my breath but as soon as I heard footsteps I started to ran again they were so close I had to get away I just had to keep moving no matter what I can't turn around they might be close behind. I was almost out of breath again until I came across a rundown old building so I decided to hide inside I found some broken stairs and hid under them I watched the door to see if they would ever came in. They finally did I tried not to make a sound I heard a males voice "the Master wants her alive so hurry up and found her" I heard them turning over furniture to found me then I heard footsteps behind when I turned around to see who was there, it was too late. The men seized my throat I tried to get out of his grasp but it was to firm I was losing breath and quick then he yelled out to his little group “I found her and she’s putting up a bit of a fight” his friends bolted into the room “put her down now!” We all turned to see who standing in the door, my mouth flung open because of who I saw.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh....definitely a neat little preview this one...looks like we've got ourselves a bit of a chase sequence going on here and the piece ends with this person ending up getting caught despite their best efforts but someone seems to have appeared out of nowhere to help them out there...and said person appears to also be a bit of a surprise to everyone present...which absolutely makes for an awesome cliffhanger there.
I really loved the way you've written the chase here. The story has a fast paced feel to it right from the beginning and you can also almost see the running in the story itself there which all comes together to create a really exciting scene here...and I think this would definitely make for an awesome start to a story..it is a bit short for being something like a first chapter, but I wouldn't mind seeing it as one.
Overall, a very simple scene here that was executed quite well, if I had to point out a flaw, it would be there not being any paragraphing done for the lines of dialogue cause that is incorrect formatting, but otherwise, solid start here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is good, intense. You used short sentances really well, but you needed to use more grammer, correct grammer. I know I have told you to improve your grammer a thousand times but I still stand by it. For instance,
"My hair whipped my face like a thousand jellyfish but I didn't care I needed to get out of here, my eyes had started to sting like no there's no tomorrow." Including the grammer, it should be :
"My hair whipped my face like a thousand jellyfish, but I didn't care. I needed to get out of here. My eyes had started to sting like there's no tommorow." Also, you kept saying found instead of find. But apart from your grammar mistakes, it was a good prologue and it was left in a good suspense type position. Well done and keep writing!
Thxs Shadow
I'm so sorry if this is different to what you usally read but this i sjust a random story book I came up with at school. hope you like it