The iPhone lay comfortably in his owner's pocket, as the homo sapiens proceeded casually through the street. At a first glance you would see a simple device and yet...He laughed at his control over his human. He was almighty. With a beep he could make the earth-man stop everything and spend countless hours on facebook, playing games or texting a gossiping friend. The robot captain assured him that soon, soon they would be in full control over the human race and the Earth would be theirs.
Muahaha!
The earth-man stopped, and dug out the phone from his jeans. Unlocking it he clicked on the facebook icon and logged in. It all happened within seconds. The Earthling was pushed from behind, making him drop his iPhone on to the road where it was gruesomely killed by an oncoming truck. The human shouted, he cursed, he cried like he'd lost his newborn son. But nothing could he do to bring the life back to the cracked touch-screen.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,871 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Interesting. . . . BWAHAHAHAHAHAH
This is crazy, but I can see where you're coming from. Personally I don't use iPhones, iPods, computers and the like much, so I am not prone to robot control. And technically machinery like iPhones are not robots. I'm not sure the exact definition of robots, but they're different from machines.
Okay, I'm assuming this is just an amusing little thing you wrote cuz you felt like it, and not a real story. If it is a real story then you need to, um, put a bit more information in, some back story . . . something!
But! Interesting work though! Good grammar and style. . . .
Keep it up!
~Black~
Hello there Llama! Dogs here with your review today. To start off, I really like the simple idea of this story. Although, unless you really lengthen it out I think it would be better placed in "other" works. Anywho, let's jump into ze review now shall we?
Nice start to this piece, the "homo sapiens proceed causally.." was a nice touch. Although, perhaps try to expand upon this idea, try to explain a little more about the pitiful humans walking ignorantly, oblivious to the iPhone's diabolical plan.
Now, you've told us what the iPhone intends to do, and what is it's evil plan. But what purpose does that serve? Give us a little bit more information about how the Robot captain using facebook to ensnare its users mind would cause them to be able to take over the world. And why is that important? What would they do? There is a famous saying once that goes: "now that we can do anything... what can we do?" Try to answer that question and it'll make the iPhone's desires stronger.
Also, try setting up how effective your plan is by having the phone do something that causes the "earth-man" to dig it out from his jeans. Add in a dramatic bit about how the man is ensnared in the moment of it all, checking statuses. Liking pitiful and useful comments, becoming enmeshed within the internet world... and THAN have someone bump him and knock the phone out of his hand. Just to make it more suspenseful.
All and all a good piece, just needs some fleshing out. I love the topic for your writing here, with some editing this could be a top notch piece of writing. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thanks dogs.
In my overdone attempt of less is more, I always write short cut minimalistic stories. But you're right. I need to take a bigger brush and expand.