I walked up the stairs to the wooden porch and rang the bell. Seconds later I heard the butler's steps within the great white house as he came to answer the door. Mr. Pitchet's reaction when he recognised me was not at all welcoming.
-'' I'd like to speak to Mr. Vander please''
-'' My master is very buisy at the moment''
-'' Tell him it's important''
-'' Very well, but he will not be pleased that you have come.''
He let me in, taking my coat and hat he led me through the hall. Motioning for me to stop in the waiting room, he disappeared through the wooden door of the library. I looked around. Nothing had really changed. The walls were the same lilac as they were in my childhood, the same ugly painting of Aunt Clara hung over the chair. The table, the grandfather clock, the umbrella stand, all as I remember them.
Mr. Pitchet reappeared and bade me to enter the library. It was a big room with rows of books, a wooden floor carpeted with oriental rugs, scarlet walls with more framed pictures featuring relatives. Mr. Vander was seated in a big velvet armchair near the fireplace, reading. As soon as he noticed me he put away his book and took off his reading glasses. I felt his critical glance at my appearance before he spoke.
- ''So, my eldest son, has come to ask for money again.''
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,862 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
"Mr. Pitchet's reaction when he recognized me was not at all welcome"
Hello there Liam! Welcome to YWS! Dogs here with your review today. I think you have a good starting point for this piece here, what I'd suggest is that you describe the reaction from Mr. Pitchet. Perhaps start him off greeting you with a warm smile that slowly dissipated as he recognized your main character. Adds a bit of dramatic tension and a slight air of humor to your writing.
"is very buisy at.."
I think you meant "busy" here in this line. Always proof read your work whenever you can before you post.
"reappeared and bade me to enter the library"
I'm assuming, because this person has a butler, that the house is rather large. Describe the butler guiding your main character through the halls and up the stairs into the library.
Nice punchline to end this bit on. I recall that you said that this was a prologue for a chapter, try to mention that in the post in a little note before or after your writing. Whatever works. Excellent job here, I enjoyed reading this piece. All and all some great writing, I think the think you really need the most work on is just some more description. Other than that you're looking good. Let me know if you ever need a review! Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thank you Dog.
I never really planned to turn this into a full story though.
It really looks like the beginning of something long to me. Maybe a short story or a novel .
It's very rich in information and it gets the reader into the story . I can very well imagine all you've described which is very good , it's surely interesting and makes the reader want to find out about the main character.
I don't know what your plans are but it has a great potential you should continue it.
OK most rich people that I have not had wooden porches but then again I have not met many rich people.
(And walked across the wooden porch) might be better.
This is most interesting I think I am looking forward to reading Chapter 1.
Keep writing.
You're absolutely right about the porch, sorry.
As brusque as this was, it indeed told us a full (or almost full) story.
I can't find anything thing wrong with the piece except that you mispelt the word 'busy' by using 'buisy'.
It's a very nice short written in my the archaic formal style which I've always had a predilection for.
Cheers!