Came up with this on the spot... but be brutal nonetheless!
I see the flower, perched at the edge of my little island,
as I sit and ponder.
My eyes, narrow in confusion,
my pencil too hyper to stay still,
the lines on my paper desperate for activity,
and I wonder...
What makes them so hard to please?
My little island tries to aid in my quest
in finding the key that opens the seldom open door.
But, it can not find the answer no matter how many times
it shakes, and wobbles, deep into concentration.
But that flower; it's so unbelievably smug.
It sits and watches, not bothering.
So I come to the conclusion...
Flower, you know.
Despite my begging and pleading,
the flower remains silent.
It sways tauntingly, implying
that it won't speak anytime soon.
So, I try.
After hours and hours,
I came to an answer.
How clear it was!
Your words, although at some times cruel,
are the soil.
Your wisdom is the light.
Your very presence the air and water.
This is what makes me bloom.
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Canary word: Present
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
Thanks everyone.
I edited some of the weird wording out. This was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and I just wanted to see how it played out.
Thanks for reviewing!
ok, I agree with timjim77(thought I would throw that out there).
This part slows the poem down
I didn't really understand how that fit into the poem. But if there is a logical purpose that I am just not getting(happens a lot) then just overlook this critique.
Other than that it was very well written
I agree with timjim77 on this was it does surpasses the beginning. Please try not to do that because sometimes people find that confusing and don't know where the poem is going.
But the imagery was very good in this i thought. I found this really good except the ending. But if you work on the end I think this can be a good poem.
Well If you need me you know how to reach me. GordonRamsayLuver
The end of this poem far surpasses the beginning.
Notes:
1. 'Aid' as a verb has no 'e'. An aide is a helper.
2. You have made a lot of your verbs compound (sit and ponder, sits and watches, shakes and wobbles, begging and pleading). In revising, go to all the 'and's in the poems and see if one of the things in the list can be removed. This may help the flow.
3. The italics force the poem to be read in a certain way. As a matter of taste, this seems less than choice.
4. Some of your descriptions of inanimate objects seem inappropriate. Is a pencil really hyper? Is paper really desperate? These verbs don't correspond well with an image. Certainly, you could elaborate and create such an image. (Take this note with a grain of salt.)
5. Some of the poem seems like a description, and some of it seems like an expression of emotion. Phrases like 'But alas' and 'I wonder...' and the question change the tone from a detached observer to a subjective one. It may be more consistent if you pick one perspective.
6. I like the expression, 'eyes, narrow in confusion'.
7. Last line and stanza and brief, simple, and quite good.