Published September 18, 2017
(Trying this out in a journal-entry style, which was not my original plan, so I hope it works! Also, the title is temporary until I can think of something better.)
Day One
I feel a bit silly writing this down. I don't think
anyone will ever read this, but it's more for my own sanity than
anything else. I can't talk to anyone about this. I have no intention of
becoming the village mad man. Whatever logic and reason may say, I can
be certain that there is a strange thing here, and it is no kind thing.
I saw it this morning when I was walking down the hilly path from my
house that led to the village. There are empty fields on either side of
the path with a few trees here and there. This morning a heavy fog
blanketed the area. For some reason as I was walking I felt the urge to
stop and look around. All of the sudden I felt very nervous. The air
didn't smell quite right. Then I looked at one of the trees and saw it
about twenty feet away. Half of its body was hidden behind the trunk of a
tree and at first glance it simply looked like a man standing there. I
squinted through the fog and called to him, "Hello there, are you
alright?" He didn't move and I took a few steps forward, wondering if
the fog was playing tricks on my eyes. There was no mistaking it though,
that was the body of a man, although taller than most and dressed in a
strange and weathered cloth robe. but when my eyes focused on the head I
stopped in my tracks. It seemed to wear a boar's skull, or maybe that
actually was his head, it seemed to fit on his shoulders so well. The
eyes were still in the sockets, but they were dead and milky-gray. It
seemed to have a long, course mane. Lastly I noticed its hand. The
fingers were long and ended in five bird-like claws. Whatever it was I
knew it couldn't be entirely human. Whatever it was, I didn't care to
find out, I continued down the path as quickly as I could and tried to
forget it. I was afraid to travel back home later that day, but I was
relieved to find nothing when I returned. At least, I didn't see
anything. Maybe I imagined it after all, but I can't forget that strange
smell that filled the air, or the sensation of being examined by the
creature that stood before me.
Day Two
Today when I
went outside my house, I remembered to bring my bow and arrow, though I
prefer not to touch the thing any more. Just holding it in my hands
brings back all those memories I tried to escape by moving out to the
middle of nowhere. As I hold it I remember the lives it took, back when I
happily called myself a warrior. This morning I reminded myself I was a
warrior so that I would not cower in inside my home just because a
strange man had been lurking in the area. I told myself I had let it
scare me for no reason, and that it wasn't really anything so terrible,
but my nerves were still getting to me.
The air was clearer when I
went out and to my relief there was no sign of that creature. I kept my
weapon close by as I spilt logs and completed other various chores. By
the time evening came I had finally relaxed. I remembered that the last
time it rained there had been a leak in the roof and I had forgotten it.
So I decided to patch it up before it became to dark. However, just as I
climbed to the top of the wooden ladder I felt my blood run cold. As
quietly as I could I moved to the peak of the roof, laying low against
the thatch. Everything was still and quiet, but a sick feeling was
rising in my stomach. Then, off in the distance, probably thirty yards
away, I saw movement through the treeline. I prayed for a deer or even a
wolf to show itself, but of course, what I saw emerge from the woods
was that thing. It stalked out slowly with its back slightly hunched,
like a sick dog. Then it stopped and straightened and that sickly boar
skull turned slowly as it seemed to scan the area. Then its dead gaze
settled on me. I think it must have come looking for me, but I don't
know what it wants. I tried to reach over my back for my bow, but I
remembered I had left it on the ground. I wanted to go down and get it,
but I couldn't make myself turn my face away from it. I must have stayed
like that for awhile, because those rotting eyes seemed to glow white,
like when an animal's eyes sometimes reflected a light in the darkness,
except now there was no torch or fire for this thing's eyes to reflect.
Realizing
how dark it was getting, I forced myself to hurry down the latter. With
the creature now blocked from sight by the house, I got the feeling
that it was now moving so that it could see me again, so I quickly
grabbed my bow and quiver and ran inside. I locked my door and checked
that the windows were secured. I peered out to see if the creature was
still there, but I saw nothing, though I did think I heard creaking on
the roof. I'm sure that was just my imagination, but I don't know if I
will sleep tonight. I only hope this will not be the last time I write
in this journal.
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Okay, so....To be honest, I really like your story so far. Normally I wouldn't find much interest reading something in a journal style story, mostly because some WOULD write it like they do in journals and forget that this is also telling the readers a story. They would forget to put in the details that help unfold the story but not to much that it would start becoming a regular story telling. Does that make sense?
Anyways keep up the great job, hope to read more soon!!
Hey LittleFox! Wow! This is amazing! Reading it sent chills down my spine. (in a good way
)
I'll be there when it's out. well that's all for now.
I just have a few things i would like to point out...
"Lastly I noticed its hand." Their is nothing wrong with this sentence except that I was a little confused, does it only have one hand, or two? Or maybe you were referring to one hand that had claws, while the other one doesn't. I just don't know if you did that on purpose.
"Whatever it was I knew it couldn't be entirely human. Whatever it was, I didn't care to find out," So I just thought that their would be a better way to put this, such as adding a coma.
"Whatever it was, I knew it couldn't be entirely human." And instead of writing "whatever it was" again, you could simply put "and I didn't care to find out." Making it look like this >
"Whatever it was, I knew it couldn't be entirely human, and I didn't care to find out." Also at the end of the (original) sentence, you put a coma instead of a period. (Just wanted to let you know.)
And one last thing...
I got a little bit confused when you said "I remembered to bring my bow and arrow, though I prefer not to touch the thing any more." Because, If he does not touch the bow and arrow, and doesn't like taking it anywhere anymore, how could he remember to? It is not an everyday task, correct? If it is it would be nice to have that cleared up.
Other than that, I loved this!<3 It was great to read and I can't wait for part two!! I'm so excited.
-Laurenlovely~
Thank you!
Hey LittleFox!
Aw man, this is so good! =D
A few little tweaks. In the first line of P2 you refer to the thing as 'it', which is usually a word used to refer to something pre-defined or already significant. At this point in the story it might be better to refer to it as a weird thing, or a monster of sorts.
I really like the 'back when I happily called myself a warrior' part. Those few lines contain so little and so much information. They tell me that your MC is no longer a warrior, and that this lifestyle ended quite badly, and I'm going to make an assumption that there is a reason they are living in a village in what, at this point, feels like the middle of nowhere. There is so much alluded to but without really explaining much, and I really like that. It gives your MC a lot of mystery to them.
The references to the smell in the air that surrounds the memory of the thing is really cool. It adds extra depth to the word and really brings it to life. I'm going to agree with Alliyah (on most things but) particularly with the specifics of the description. Specific details are like the difference in the resolution of a movie. You can still carry across the atmosphere and tone of the piece without them, but it's those details that give it a really crisp finish.
I also really like the ending. Partly for the suspense, and partly because one of my favourite things about this style is the ability to briefly switch between past and present tense.
Nice work. Keep it up =]
Thank you so much!
Hey there! Just wanted to leave a review here.
First as far as formatting, sometimes the publishing center can be a bit difficult, this article might help you => Formatting poetry #3
When you do get around to formatting I would recommend putting the "Day One" etc in bold text to set it apart a bit, and then maybe break the paragraphs into smaller chunks too.
This is a fairly short piece so I'm going to go through paragraph by paragraph and leave my thoughts, then some overall impressions.
Introduction: I love that second line you have, " I don't think anyone will ever read this, but it's more for my own sanity than anything else." already it puts a bit of suspense out there, and gives some character to the speaker -- they seem like they're very anxious and self-aware. I like that you leave the first paragraph open ended, to draw out the suspense, but I think you can be a tad more specific about the conflict the speaker is talking about. Because the way this part is written: " I can be certain that there is a strange thing here, and it is no kind thing." sounds a little too generic for a person to naturally say in real life.
In the next paragraph, I think you can do a little bit more with specificity in your details to make the story come alive. Rather than saying the speaker saw "trees" maybe say what type of trees they were. Also the fact that the speaker mentions a village immediately makes me wonder all sorts of things about the setting of the piece as far as time period, fantasy elements or natural world, country etc. I think you might want to find a few way to work these elements in.
In this sentence: "The air didn't smell quite right." again we have an example of the narrator skirting around the actual details they're talking about. Rather than saying what the scene didn't smell like, I think it would be more effective and memorable to say what the scene did smell like. Was the air acidic? smokey? pleasant? etc.
In this same paragraph you use the adjective "strange" again, and I know this is nit-picky but I would recommend taking a second look at some of the adjectives you have and ask whether they're adjectives that pain a picture for readers or whether they're filler words that set a generic (non-specific) tone.
Now the description of the beast itself, is quite good! I like how you describe how the narrator moves from each piece of the beast's body and then focuses on different aspects up-close. I have to say, it seems really odd that rather than running away they just continue down the path at a quicker pace and try to forget about it. This really makes me wonder what some of the internal dialogue is for the character here. What's going through their head?
As we move to the "Day 2" section of the story it occurs to me that I don't know why the speaker is keeping track of days in a journal in the first place -- this doesn't necessarally have to be added but it would be interesting to uncover as the story progresses.
In this next section I thought again you do a fabulous job of describing the monster's movements and appearance to make it seem really creepy.
You leave on a great cliff-hanger as well! After this section of the story as a reader, I anticipate that of course the beast and person will meet again! And that the beast will maybe attack the speaker and the bow might come into play. I still have many questions as to the purpose of the speaker taking the journal and why they're here in the first place. There are also moments where the descriptions are terrifying, but the speaker's reaction is slow and doesn't seem to be all that worried -- I'm wondering what the cause of this discreptancy is (whether it's because they're really brave, or are used to this sort of thing etc).
Overall, you built an interesting little portion of the story with a pretty scary beast too! I'm curious about some of those in-between details though that really help a reader connect with the speaker. Please let me know if you have any questions about my review, and if you post the next portion of this story.
~alliyah
Thank you! I'll try and get those details in
You're welcome, great piece!
This is truly an amazing work!!
I like the journal format.. its nice.. please tag me when you publish the part 2.
this part gave me chills;
** Realizing how dark it was getting, I forced myself to hurry down the latter. With the creature now blocked from sight by the house, I got the feeling that it was now moving so that it could see me again, so I quickly grabbed my bow and quiver and ran inside. I locked my door and checked that the windows were secured. I peered out to see if the creature was still there, but I saw nothing, though I did think I heard creaking on the roof. I'm sure that was just my imagination, but I don't know if I will sleep tonight. I only hope this will not be the last time I write in this journal.**
and I also went "s***" when you said you had realized you had left your bow on the ground.
Your work is intriguing and very much descriptive, enough to give your reader a perfect picture and need I say feels...of what you are going through.
I read every word like it was me, like I was there, I actually got scared. To make things worse it was in the first person narrative, so anytime I read "I", it actually began to feel like " I"
Kudos..lol...I Love!!
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!
Apologies on the formatting, the publishing center doesn't like me apparently lol. I'll try to get it fixed!