(I know the spacing gets a little awkward in here but the computer was being mean so I gave up haha.)
"What happened?" Isaac rose from the chair where he'd been slouching as Avery entered, water dripping from her armor and bits of algae clumped in her short black hair.
She hesitated, unsure what to say. He'd never believe I was attacked by nymphs. "I just fell in the water."
Isaac let out a laugh and ignored the glare Avery shot at him. "You've never been clumsy before," he said with an amused smile. "What really happened?"
Avery stood for a moment rubbing her knuckles against her temple before deciding to go on with her story. "I...thought I saw something in the water and when I leaned forward to look I lost my balance." Avery could feel her face grow warm. She hated telling a lie that made her look like a fool.
Isaac shook his head, his green eyes laughing. "Fine then, but you had better get out of that armor before you catch cold." He remained where he sat, looking up at her expectantly.
Avery scowled at him. "Then get out," she said, "and keep guard for me."
He gave a small thumbs-up as he left the room they shared. Avery let out a small chuckle after the door closed. Isaac was one of the few she could trust with her secret, but he could be annoying about it at times. Slowly, she began to undress. She had not realized how stiff her muscles had become after the fright of fighting for air in the grasp of two nymphs. Once all of her armor laid in a heap on the floor she changed into a dry shirt and trousers, taking the time to adjust the cloth wrapped tightly over her chest. Beneath the loose shirt, she had little fear that her figure would show.
As she was pulling on a new pair of leather boots she heard muffled voices from the hall followed by a small kick at the door, Isaac's warning to Avery that she had better be dressed. She quickly went to the door and let it swing open. Isaac leaned against the wall and Gabriel stood across from him, his golden hair framing his tanned face.
"There you are, Ryan," he said to Avery, calling her by her false name with a voice as golden as his hair. "I was just telling Isaac, since we've finished our training, why don't we head to a tavern to celebrate?"
Avery shrugged. "I suppose so."
"Than let's waste no time," Isaac said.
The
tavern was filled with the sound of lively music and booming laughter.
Avery, Isaac, and Gabriel had to fight to find an empty table toward the
back and the had to wait several minutes before a short bald man
brought them their drinks. Gabriel took his mug straight from the
bartender's hands and nearly downed it in own gulp.
"In a hurry to a drunken oaf, eh?" Isaac joked, taking a modest drink from his mug.
"We're celebrating aren't we?" he laughed. "Right Ryan?"
Avery
gave a small start. She had been gazing into her cup with unfocused
eyes. "Of course," she answered and took a gulp of her mead to satisfy
Gabriel. An hour passed, and she drank little more from her mug while
Gabriel and Isaac cheerful downed bottle after bottle, caught up in
their celebration. As much as Avery wanted to join them, she couldn't
pry her thoughts away from the nymphs. Do they really expect me to return?
Suddenly
Gabriel lifted his mug with a shout, "to us!" Isaac joined in
enthusiastically, then turned to Avery with a lopsided grin.
"Cheers to Ryan! Who would have thought a woman could make it as a knight?"
The
blood drained from Avery's face, but she gave a forced laugh. Surely
Gabriel is too drunk to remember this in the morning. He would think it
was a joke at Avery. But her heart sank even lower when she shifted her
eyes to his searching gaze. He was not laughing.
"It's getting late,"
she said, laying a few coins on the stained table. She pulled Isaac up
by the arm who spilled his mead on himself as he rose with her. "We'll
see you around, Gabe." She was glad to see he still had that honeyed
look of a drunkard, however thoughtful it may have seemed." Good God please don't read into what Isaac said!
Once back at the barracks, Avery had to restrain herself from punching Isaac. "You idiot," she mumbled angrily as she shut the door.
"What's your problem?" he asked, genuinely confused.
"You've pretty much just told Gabriel I was a woman!"
He cursed and shook his head. "If I'm drunk enough to let that slip than Gabriel's too drunk to remember it."
"He
had better be." Avery said with a sigh. She leaned on the stone
windowsill and pushed open the shutters. It was nearly midnight, but the
moon cast a dim light over the landscape. Her eyes drifted across the
land for a moment, before locking onto the lake that lay about a mile
away.
"Listen, Avery, I'm really sorry," Isaac said. When he was met
by no response he walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"What are you looking at?"
She took a sharp breath, startled by
Isaac's touch. "Nothing," she said as she turned away from the window.
She realized she had been holding her breath and her heartbeat pounded a
little quicker. "Nothing," she repeated.
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Hey,
Yet another 5th period review, yay! Sadly the trimester is almost over so I'll have to find a new time to do this. *Sigh* oh well, I'll live... I hope. Anyway that's enough of me running my mouth (or should I say keyboard) It's time to move on to the review now.
I think you have a interesting concept here, and the story seems well written at my first glance, after rereading it a few times however I do have a few nitpicks so here they are:
"the had" doesn't make sense to me here, I assume you meant "then had" either way personally it's something I'd fix if it were my story.
I'd consider revising this bit, I think you used his to many times in such a short space that it became confusing and took away from the message you were trying to get across in my opinion.
"Then" sounds better here, I suggest using "then" instead of "Than"
Aside from those small details this is a really well written story and I enjoyed reading it. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Sincerely,
Collideascope.
Thanks a bunch
Clickdun here :3 Let's talk about your story...
I'm going to take this one with a grain of salt, it's not that I have doubt in your abilities (the person who's abilities I most doubt is myself) but the fact is, I don't like this type of story.
"I'm a girl and only boys are allowed in the army but there's this evil thing and I want to fight and now they've figured out I'm a girl and now that the evil thing is defeated women will finally be accepted into culture!" Though there are stories I think have done this well (Mulan anybody?) it has been used so much and so lazily that this story is just a tired old trope. This trope no longer lets out it's victorious roars of a reigning champion in fantasy, but instead rasps its dying breaths as readers slowly grow tired of it. But there is an interesting twist that I think will breathe new life into these old bones (more on that later.)
But after that tantalizing introduction, time to get the nitpicks out of the way (because I love you.)
Lay not laid writer dearest.
I'm not too sure about whether that than is used correctly, but I feel like it should be then. But proper research into the matter is used rather than trusting a dorky-teenager.
They my dear, not the.
Comma after arm.
There there, that wasn't so bad was it?
Okay, I was saying something about the "twist" that I thought was interesting earlier. Let's get to that before the bees come for me.
What I was talking about was something similar to what happened in Planes Trains and Automobiles which is you get part of the relationship that is expected later in the book (the "Oh no! She's a girl! part to be exact.) Which I think adds a strong push to your book, to try its best to test the boundaries of the trope you've used. Which I think is quite interesting.
If this is in fact the twist I think that you'll have one of the stronger books of the genre going for you here.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a book that demands my attention.
Write on!
~ Lord Clickdun
Thanks for the review! This was mostly an experiment since I had originally planned on leaving it simply at part 1, but I may yet try to improve this additional part with your advice