Once upon a time, in a far away land there lived an ugly queen and her beautiful step daughter. The queen’s step daughter was loved by everyone and was even in the running for the kingdom’s most intelligent princess award. And the queen… Well… She was in the running for losing her crown to the princess and her fiancé. And for that reason, she wanted to- “Excuse me!”
Y-yes? Who are you?
“Me?! I am that ugly queen you were going on about! And I don’t want to get rid of my step daughter because I’m in danger of losing my crown!”
You… You don’t?
“No! I don’t have any grandiose reason such as that!”
Then, why do you want to get rid of her?
“Because the little wretch is trying to set me up! Ever since her father the king died from a heart attack, she’s been trying to set me up with any guy she meets that’s older than her!”
So... Let me get this straight. You don't want to get rid of her because you'll lose your crown when she marries. You want to get rid of her because she's trying to set up on a date.
"Precisely."
Okay.... How are you going to do it? A finger prick on a spinning wheel? A poisoned comb? Lock her away in some tower? Send her to New York? Poisoned apples?
"No! All of that is outdated! And poisoned apples? Really? Who does that anymore? That is so Snow White! No, I am going to do something far greater! Something that hasn't been done yet!"
Really? I thought you guys were supposed to follow the book...
"Pfft! Who told you that rubbish?! If you follow the book then it isn't any fun!"
I have a complicated love affair with fairytales, so when I saw the title, you might as well have held up a sign that said, "CALLING ALL OCTAVES." xD
Anyway, I'm here to review. =D
Mmmkay. So you have a very good idea here about Snow White. Interesting remake, especially since it sounds upbeat and lively. It's like a Snow White version of Prada and Prejudice. Cheeky, chick-litty, and definitely fun. However, I have some problems with this.
First of all, I strongly feel you don't need this beginning. Or if you do, try not to make it feel so contrived. This will work in a movie, perhaps, or a short film, but it will not work in literary form. See, when we hear this in movies, the thing that makes it work is the voices - the way they sound and such. Here, the readers cannot hear anything, so they supply the words their own voices, and it sounds all awkward, you get me? Judging from the way you wrote this, you saw this scene in your head. And you heard it, and it sounded so funny. You're right. It is hilarious - if you can see and hear it. The readers are reading it.
I know. The readers are supposed to be immersed in the world. That's what we, as writers, *want* them to feel. Not what's really going on. Keep your eye on the stars and your feet rooted in reality. You want to immerse them, which is good, but you have to remember they're really just reading, and the words spinning a tale is just an illusion.
Next, there were inconsistencies about the ugly queen's characterization. I already mentioned them.
Your dialog also feels stiff here. It's as if you want to sound funny, so you stuff words into your character's mouths to sound funny. No, please no. I can see here you have potential, but you seem a little too excited and so you rushed and wrote it all down. I can understand why you're excited, but breathe. Breathe and look at it again. It doesn't sound as if they're really talking, and the narrator sounds like every other narrator I've heard.
It's a shame, because this idea is something I've never heard of before. You can do so much better. Hit this idea with your best shot. ;D I have a good feeling about it. Don't worry too much about sounding funny. The way the idea is, there's no doubt whatsoever that it /will/ come out somewhat humorous. =] Worrying about humor generally kills humor, to be honest, so try to let it flow naturally.
Anyway, there isn't much to crit here since it's obvious you haven't really begun the story, but please don't stop. Understand that I like the idea (love it, in fact), but that I think the humor would work better if it wasn't as in-your-face as it was in this scene. I'd like to read what happens next, and in fact, if you're turning it into a novel, I'd gladly follow and read it. ^^ Please PM me if you get around to writing the next bit of this.
Sincerely,
Octave
Lol, really great work here - so far it's really funny XD
The only thing I saw that was wrong was...
Other than not adding that little "you" you're fine!
Great job with this! Toss me a PM when you've posted more!;)
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hi Lisa,
LOL, I really enjoyed your piece, especially how the "ugly stepmother" just interrupted the monotone narrator, it was great. I'll admit the dialogue was a little rough, I mean grandiose? I guess it works, but there are so many better words you could use there, one that won't send people running for the dictionary to make sure they know the full meaning of the word, lol.
Small nitpick:
Again, it works, but you could do so much more with this sentence, I mean go out on a limb here, show us that she's going to do something outrageous, or at least really intriguing, go ahead, pull us in:)
Again, I really liked it a lot, keep up the good work and pm me if you have any questions.
~Dakota Knight
I think the concept is really interesting but you should work on the characters diologue.