Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
An attendant took another section of Aleppei’s hair.
Aleppei’s whole body jumped.
“Ow.”
The attendant froze with the comb suspended.
“My lady?”
“It hurts.”
The woman spent one tired breath through her nose.
Aleppei closed her eyes. Her back remained as straight as a staff.
“Please. All of you, move.”
Nobody trusted so soft a dismissal. Hands hovered over combs and pins.
Aleppei opened her eyes.
“Please.”
The women stepped away.
Isene emerged from behind the screen before Nitya did.
“How will they finish if your head flees?”
Aleppei pointed toward a folded cloth on the table. The silver rings of a pair of shears showed beneath it.
“Ask them what they meant to do with those.”
Three attendants discovered reasons to look at the floor.
“Only the ends, Your Grace,” one murmured.
Nenye crossed the room and drew the cloth over the shears.
“What were you hoping for, Aleppei?”
Aleppei gathered the loose hair against her breast.
“Braids that stay on my head instead of taking it with them.”
Tiamat circled the chair, studying the abandoned sections.
“Whose hands usually work it?”
Aleppei’s face altered before she spoke. Pain had tightened it; the answer made it young.
“A woman in Father’s household. She has done it since I was little.”
Isene’s mouth thinned.
“That woman remains in Ajuraan.”
Aleppei looked toward the mirror. Her lashes shone, but her chin held its place.
Nenye slid her fingers beneath a loose section. Oil glossed the hair near the scalp; the ends rasped against her skin.
“How much oil remains?”
The nearest attendant turned two empty dishes toward her. Nenye checked a third, then a fourth. The last held enough to wet two fingertips.
Tiamat leaned one hip against the table.
“The Narosi women in Nehebkau used goose fat.”
Every face turned toward her.
Aleppei pressed both palms to her hair.
“The faith forbids it.”
Tiamat looked from one face to the next.
“Some of the temple girls did too. Whatever you want, girl, it’s your hair.”
A maid entered with a basin at the very moment an attendant backed away from Tiamat. Hip met elbow. Warm water leaped over the basin’s rim, ran across the holy rug, and drowned the nearest incense coal with a spit of gray smoke.
The room broke apart. Isene called for cloths. One servant snatched up the oil dishes; another rescued the pin tray. The maid dropped to her knees so fast that the basin rang against the floor.
“Goose grease stays in kitchens,” Isene said.
By the time the rug had been blotted, the goose had lost its chance.
Aleppei’s gaze settled on the jeweled band at Tiamat’s waist.
“What are you wearing?”
Tiamat hooked one long nail beneath the chain and lifted it from her gown.
“My father’s answer to men.”
Mylys’s laugh shook her belly.
“He put a chastity belt on you?”
Tiamat’s eyes traveled from the swell beneath Mylys’s hand to Nenye.
“A little late for you two to judge the workmanship.”
Mylys laughed harder. Nenye took the wide wooden comb from the table and put its teeth into Aleppei’s ends before Tiamat could gather another answer.
“Sit back,” Nenye said. “Let me see what your hair will allow.”
The servants made room. One gathered the unused combs until bone clicked against wood. Another folded the damp cloth into smaller and smaller squares.
Nenye took a section smaller than any they had tried. Her hands remembered the work before the rest of her did: one palm beneath the hair to keep each pull from reaching the scalp, comb beginning at the ends, thumb guarding the clean part. During her first Kaftalya winter, girls had lined the passage outside her room with ribbons over their wrists and beads in their pockets. They had come doubting. They had left turning their heads so the braids would swing.
Aleppei flinched.
“There?”
Aleppei touched the sore place with two fingers. Nenye shifted her grip half the width of a nail.
“That is kinder.”
Nenye began again.
The comb still worked, but it stopped fighting every inch. She made one part hold, then another. She twisted the waiting hair aside before it could crowd the line. For a while the room found a quieter rhythm: divide, oil, comb, cross the strands; divide, oil, comb.
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Heading straight into the second chapter after you have impressed me so much =D

Hmmm I already see that the style is different, probably reflecting the change in perspective. I’m not sure I like these sentences that make up paragraphs, how disjointed this makes the story feel.
I feel like this doesn’t do enough set up for me to enjoy it as I did the first story. It doesn’t really set the scene, where are we? Who is present? I feel like there is so much subtle describing you could be doing through the eyes of a highborn lady but that the story isn’t really living up to its full potential ^^
There are a lot of named ppl in this scene that aren’t really brought forth. I mean it does show that Aleppei knows the names of her servants, an admirable quality. But having all these named characters brings with it the expectation to describe them which is not fulfilled :/
Related, I was kinda taken aback by the Nenye mention. Like, who has she been in this scene? You never described anything and I am so lost .-.
It feels like this scene could use a lot of simplification and a focus on what is the core tenant on it. What is the purpose of this scene, for your story? Everything else should enhance not take away from that ^^
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I love how this piece really builds up tension entirely through physical detail rather than exposition. It's a really nice touch and a nice change from a lot of stories that rely on telling rather than showing. The hair-braiding is a vehicle that establishes an entire social hierarchy without a single line of direct explanation. We see this through Aleppei's flinching and posture, how the attendants glance nervously at the floor, Isene's clipped words and how Tiamat bluntly teases in a kind of detached manner. These characters and actions all communicate status and relationship dynamics through behaviour alone.
The prose is very restrained. I think it works in some areas, but I think with the excellence of the tension building up, you could expand on some of the lines. A lot of sentences have their own line rather than expanding into a few larger paragraphs. It does make it a little clipped and choppy in some places where I think that some more flowing sentences might actually heighten the tension.
Right now the one-line paragraphs create a sort of staccato rhythm that works well for the sharper emotional beats but gets a little exhausting when it is used evenly throughout the piece.
There's only one paragraph that is substantial and it is one of the best bits in the chapter:
It's a really beautifully written scene, and it's easier to picture than when it is broken up and choppy! Others might disagree with me, so it's just my opinion!
A great chapter; keep writing <3
Hello, hello!
Happy RevMo! I saw this in the Green Room and wanted to check it out!
I really like this exchange! I think that it gets across Aleppei's discomfort without making her overly dramatic about it. She's clearly in pain and frustrated, but she's still trying to maintain all the composure expected of her, which makes the little bit of sarcasm land nicely. The detail about her face becoming younger when she mentions the woman who normally does her hair is lovely, too. It gives me this very quick glimpse of homesickness without having Aleppei actually say that she misses home.
This is a really nice way of showing that Nenye knows what she's doing rather than just telling everyone she's experienced! I especially like the little memory of the girls leaving with their heads turning so the braids would swing because it gives the paragraph some personality and suggests she was genuinely good enough at this that people sought her out. The actual physical description of how she handles Aleppei's hair also feels careful and specific, too, which contrasts well with the attendants hurting her earlier.
I wonder if you could bring a hint of this knowledge in sooner, though, because Nenye suddenly being very skilled at doing hair comes quite late in the scene. Isn't that a little on-the-nose? I think you could ease into that idea.
***
I like this scene a lot because very little technically happens, but there's quite a bit going on underneath it! Aleppei is uncomfortable in an unfamiliar environment, the attendants don't seem equipped to deal with her hair, there's a religious/cultural complication with the goose fat, and then all the other women have their own personalities coming through around her. Tiamat in particular is fun; the chastity belt conversation is such a strange detour but it works for me because it makes the room feel alive rather than having everyone exist solely to solve Aleppei's hair problem.
Honestly, I'd mostly just make sure Nenye's competence is hinted at a little earlier, but otherwise this does a good job of using something as ordinary as getting ready to show cultural differences, relationships and Aleppei's vulnerability without having to explain any of them outright.
Thanks for sharing this! Cheers!
Lipton