Her eyes were the color of an ocean
An ocean too dangerous for a swim
She had a smile carved into her face like a Chelsea Grin
Her mouth was closed
Holding everything in
They clawed their way into her mind and hijacked her thoughts
Escaping her body
Before they were caught
As years went by, nothing could hide her insanity
Not even the makeup from her vanity
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Well done! This poem really painted some vivid pictures, as well as abstract ways of thinking of mental illness. I would maybe try and incorporate some punctuation but it wouldn't be totally necessary! Poetry is weird like that! My last suggestion is maybe to extend! I feel like you could use one of your beautiful points and create an entire poem out of it! Keep up the amazing writing!
Loved it!
Hey! This is LuckyPanda!
I really liked your poem. It has such deep meaning and I can tell how it can relate to a person's mental illness. I liked how some lines rhymed especially,
"As years went by, nothing could hide her insanity
Not eve the makeup from her vanity"
There are a few things though. You didn't put commas after each line and that although I see where you are getting at when you described the illness, but you probably could have added more of how the person felt too and make the meaning of the poem a bit more clearer in the beginning.
So, overall, I actually think this is a very meaningful poem that could really describe a person's struggle in their mental illness. Really liked it! Keep it up!
Damn, this is really good!
I enjoyed reading it especially the "She had a smile carved into her face like a Chelsea Grin" part.
Great! I love your imagery!
Thank you so much!!!%uD83D%uDC95
Love this. Add in 2 more syllables to the last line to maintain the momentum of the rhyme. Good job!
Hey! Love the title of this piece and the fact that it's actually about the war of mental illness and not just an emotional war or something like I might have first expected. It's much deeper than I first thought it would be and I really like that.
I also really enjoy the line "an ocean too dangerous to swim" it's a great line and great contrast to the cliche of comparing someone's eyes to an ocean, which has been done. You make it work wonderfully. However, I might suggest adding another line in front of this whole piece. That way you wouldn't be starting out with a line that's beautiful, but not super original. I mean, I really like the two lines together, but reading the first line right at the beginning almost turned me away just because I've heard it before.
I don't know what a Chelsea Grin is, but it sounds really well and fits into that line so well and is a great unique comparison.
I like the use of "they" as a word that could really mean basically anything. It's really need and adds a darker tone to this which I personally really enjoyed. However, the end of this whole poem seemed a little bit abrupt. Like the fall was really quick and it didn't sound like a war at all, it sounded like it was just a sudden loss for her.
So I would suggest some more detail and more meat to the poem in the middle there. Also the last line is intriguing, but I don't see where it fits with the rest of the poem. Like it should have some more backing it up as well.
So overall I really like this and think you're off to a great start, but I would love to see more detail and more information and more feeling. I hope this didn't sound harsh or anything, and feel free to disregard anything I've said. Let me know if you've got any questions or comments and keep writing!