Lyrria; The Beginning- The Dream

Oh, thanks everyone again for reviewing!
I seem to be taking my sweet time writing chapter one. Sorry everyone! It's harder to write than you would think.
One of my main keys of writing this was to make you feel the excitement. Let the readers feel frightened and get goosebumps. That's why I kept on editing.
Oh, and Telle? Her father? *starts laughing&* No, her father, well, I better keep my mouth shut.

She can't do anything because it's a dream. It's like a nightmare.

People, force me to write!! I want to, it's just harder than I thought.

Her heart was going a million miles a minute, racing and pounding silently. She couldn’t see anything but the darkness of the forest. She was running faster than she ever had in her life. Her feet were pounding on the dirt packed ground. Images of the bare trees blurred past her.

She glanced behind her, faltering a step. She was running away. Running as hard as she could away from it.

"Stop," a man's voice whispered through the night. She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. The full moon peeked over the treetops, the light gently falling on her face and all around her. A lonely wolf howled in the distance.

She stood there, panting as she looked into the deep debris of the forest. The hairs on the back of her neck rose. What's happening? she thought.

Suddenly, the voice boomed out, "Come to me!"

Who are you? she wanted to ask, but no words would come out of her open mouth. All she could do was stare out into the inky blackness around her. Chills swept up and down her back.

"Come to me!" the man's voice said, louder this time. She couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Fear raced through her body like a deer caught in headlights.

"Come to me!" the voice yelled, ringing through the forest. The rage of his voice grew stronger by the second. The moon quietly slid beneath clouds, making it impossible to see anything. The area around her was deathly quiet.

Though she wanted to, she could do nothing. She remained still with her feet glued to the ground. She desperately wanted to run and never return.

"Come to me!" he screamed, biting her with anger and hate. The pain of his voice hit her like a truck that had just run flat over her.

She stood there in the dark, her eyes widening in fear. Goosebumps rose not only on her neck but all over her body as she stared out into the bare trees. Out of the darkness glowed two unblinking, golden eyes that were staring right back at her.


Krista screamed as she sat up in her mangled bed, drenched in her sweat.[/quote]



hello..

sixth time edited?..are you always changing your mind because of mingled ideas, or you just want it to be a perfect piece?..

nevertheless, it was nice for a prologue..**everything starts with a dream**my teacher once said.

i love how you started it, a girl running, someone following her...

who's the man, anyway?.her father, perhaps?

and why can't she do something?.

maybe that's the power of dreams, right?

keep it up.

god bless.

It was very good. I wished it had more creative description. I hoped in the future it will be more suspenceful. I loved the ending parts though. They acted like I wanted to run too. Far away fropm whatever it was. Please write more I want to know happens to her. Anyway over all I loved it very very very much!!!!!!! Thanks for writing ~abby~ P.S. I will text you later

That was good. I really enjoyed it, but i thought it should have been a tad bit more like exciting. LOL
Oh well you write the best that I know.
Writ e so more thanks.
Abby

First thing: I love the name. *steals* Okay, I won't steal it, but it's really pretty. The title's what drew me in in the first place.

Her heart was going a million miles a minute, racing and pounding silently. She couldn’t see anything but the darkness of the forest. She was running faster than she ever had in her life. Her feet were pounding on the dirt packed ground. Images of the bare trees blurred past her.

She glanced behind her, faltering a step. She was running away. Running as hard as she could away from it.

"Stop," a man's voice whispered through the night. She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. The full moon peeked over the treetops, the light gently falling on her face and all around her. A lonely wolf howled in the distance.

She stood there, panting as she looked into the deep debris of the forest. The hairs on the back of her neck rose. What's happening? she thought.

"Come to me!" he screamed, biting her with anger and hate. The pain of his voice hit her like a truck that had just run flat over her.

She stood there in the dark, her eyes widening in fear. Goosebumps rose not only on her neck but all over her body as she stared out into the bare trees. Out of the darkness glowed two unblinking golden eyes that were staring right back at her.

yo Cat, that was so good. I can't wait to read the rest. see you at school tomorrow

Well. With so many reviews before me, most of what I saw has been covered so I don't really feel the need to repeat. There is just one little tiny thing that no one has mentioned.

"Come to me," the voice said, louder this time. She could not move, could not breathe. Fear raced through her body, paralyzing her like a deer in front of headlights.

Interesting story. I look forward to seeing where this goes. A few comments:

You should probably avoid overused phrases such as "like a deer caught in headlights" and "a million miles an hour". With a little effort you can come up with other more original ways of saying the same thing.

I know it is only a rough draft, but you should work on making the sentences flow a little better - it's a bit choppy as is. Also, a bit more description and imagery would really add to it.

Good job so far!

Thanks everyone for the reviews. What I got from all of that was, I need more description. Still. I will try editing it soon. I've been working on Ch. 1 all week, and you guys will probably attack it like a lion jumping on its prey. I probably need it too. All it is, is a boring day at school before her life gets completely altered. Wait a sec. Better shut my mouth.
Thanks again everyone!

I tend to nitpick...but here you go!

She couldn’t see anything, but the darkness of the forest.

She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. The full moon peeked over the treetops, the light falling on her face.

Kristen sat up in her bed screaming, sweat pouring of her skin.

Hey there dear, and welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, and I shall be your critique-er today .

So...

I. NITPICKS

She couldn’t see anything, but the darkness of the forest.

She glanced back behind her.

The pain of the voice hit her like a truck had just ran flat over her.

Salve! I was looking for something to read and saw this fragment on the Home page. So at least I can do is review it and tell you that you have a nice idea (I read the first and second page). My adds will be in bold, my comments in italic. So here it goes:

Her heart was going a million miles an hour, racing and pounding silently.

She couldn’t see anything, but the darkness of the forest. She was running. Images of the trees blurred past her.

“Stop,” a glacial voice whispered to her from no where. The sound spread through her body like someone poured on her a bucket of cold water. She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. She looked around, the full moon peeked over the treetops lighting her face. A wolf howled in the distance.

“Come to me!” the voice said, louder this time. She couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Fear raced through her body, paralyzing her like a deer in front of headlights.

“Come to me!” it screamed, biting her with anger and hate. The pain of the voice hit her like a truck had just ran flat over her.

She stood on the ground, her eyes widening in fear.

Thank you, WrittenSoul and Kaylyn. I really needed more opinions on this, cuz just having peanut at school read it doesn't really help. I will try making it clearer, and fix the typos and mixtakes. Thank you!

P.S. Peanut? Start writing more!

Hey cat! you did a great job. As you know i have already read the things you have written,but i was just wondering: does this prologue go with the other pages you have posted? if i does i can kind of see it going in toward the middle but i was just wondering. From what i read i can tell that i'm going to want to read more. I cant really go into grammar and punctuation i think Writtensoul covered all of that. PM me when you post more and answer my question, please.
~peanut~

Well whats been said I think has been covered. I for one loved your work. It was fantastic. I really hope you continue with this because you have me sitting on the edge of my seat.

You could work on the grammar and punctuation, but I won't go into depth on it. You had a few typos but I think you could see them if you went back over it.

I think that you need to explain and develop your charcters a little more. I don;t know that much about them. But then again this was a short post.

You did great, I wish you the best of luck, and please please please, keep writing. I want to know what happens next. PM me when you get more out!

By the way *gold star*

Hey there, Cat! That was pretty good, but there were a few things I have to complain about. I'm warning you now, I'm picky with stuff, but you have a pretty good piece of work here. These are only suggestions to make it better.
Okay, let's take it piece by piece.

It was racing, pounding silently. Her heart was going a million miles an hour. She couldn't see anything, but the darkness of the forest. She was running. Images of the trees blurred past her.
She glanced back. She was running away. Running as hard as she could away from it.[\quote]

Okay, it sounds pretty good, but the sentences are choppy mostly throughout the whole thing. For me, that distracts from the story because then you're trying to put them together and don't concentrate as much on what you're reading. So try and make the whole thing flow easier by making longer sentences. For example, your first sentence could be something like: "Her heart was going a million miles an hour, racing, pounding silently." Or some-such thing, you get the idea, I think. Also, you don't need the comma after 'anything', so you take that out.

"Stop," a voice whispered to her. She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. The full moon peeked over the tops of the trees, the light falling on her face. A wolf howled from the distance.

Let's see what we can do with this paragraph. The first sentence is okay, but there's just something about the rest. Maybe try this: "She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. The full moon peeked over the treetops, the light falling on her face. A wolf howled in [not "from"] the distance."

She stood there, panting. She looked all around into the deep debris of the forest. What's happening? she thought.

Hmm...Maybe put your first sentence there with your next one. For example: "She stood there, panting, as she looked...."

Suddenly, the voice boomed out. "Come to me."

Only one problem...or maybe two...You don't need a period after "out". It should be a comma. You can have a period after "me", but, personally, I think it would look and sound better with an exclamation mark.

Who are you? she wanted to ask, but no words could come out. All she could do was stare out into the inky blackness around her. Her mouth was open, but soundless.

Inky blackness-I like! Also, you pretty much already stated that she couldn't speak, so I don't think that the last sentence is necessary. I mean, you could leave it and put something after soundless like..."...open, but soundless, a black hole in the night..." or something like that, you get the picture.

"Come to me," the voice said, louder this time. She could not move, could not breathe. Fear raced through her body, paralyzing her like a deer in front of headlights.

Pretty good here. Only one thing, I think. All of those could-not's don't exactly help with the flow of the story, so maybe just use couldn't.

"Come to me!" the voice yelled, ringing through the forest. The rage of his voice grew stronger by the second.

Good here, too, except for one thing. You have written "his voice". I think you should state earlier something about the voice sounding like a man's voice. When you put it in here, it just sounds like you forgot and just remembered that it was a guy doing the Come-to-me-ing. Hmm...try putting something about the girl could tell that the voice belonged to a man earlier, and you'll be good I think.

Though she wanted to, she could do nothing. She wanted desperately to run and never return. She remained still.

Same choppy sentence thing. I think if you add on your last sentence with your middle one it'll sound better. "...run and never return, yet she remained still."

"Come to me!" it screamed, biting her with anger and hate. The pain of the voice hit her like a truck had just ran over her flat.

Oooh! I really like how you described the voice biting with anger and hate. That's a pretty good one! I only have one thing to say here, well, besides what I already said. The thing about the truck, well, this sounds, so far, like a story that doesn't take place anywhere on Earth, so there's just something about it that doesn't fit correctly. I think it's mostly the last part, about how it ran over her flat. Let me see...well, first things first. "Ran over her flat" doesn't sound grammatically correct. If you must put in about a truck running down your main character, try putting it this way: "The pain of his voice hit her like a truck that had just flattened her...[or maybe this]...truck that had just run flat over her...[or even]...truck that had just run over her..." I don't know, something like that could possible work.

She stood, her eyes widening in fear, as she stared at the things that had just popped up. Two unblinking golden that were staring right back at her.