Fight for Lyrria pages 1 and 2

First story? Welcome to the Club, girl! Don't worry about it. We all (at least the ones that see it) will help you improve your style and so on. PM me when you get any questions about story line, descriptions, character development or ideas. Now we are here for something else - the review.

PAGE 1

The harsh wind blew all around in the half destroyed city.

The town looked deserted besides a weathered old man standing in front of one of the only surviving houses. His hat covered his face so that no one from a distance could see it.

The eight-year old girl placed her hands on her hips. “Do you really think I am going to let you in?”

Now she stood on top of a hill, overlooking the scene below.

He looked over at Kristen. She was looking away, her hair flying all over the place.

Again, I liked the storyline. You could go far with this story and I believe that it has some major potential. All it needs is a bit of polishing up.

Well, I won't go over your grammar and punctuation. Except one thing. Seperate your dialogue from your despriptions. You threw them together. Sorry, but its one of my pet peeves.

I think that you could indeed add some more description. Most of your book will be descriptions after all.

I read your prologue also, and i just wanted to tell you that you have done a great job. I hope you continue this story. Please PM me when you get more posted.

Great job, good luck, and please keep writing.

Thanks everyone. I know alot of you guys (I was about to y'all, but that's not really proper) said I need to add more description. As I re-read the story again, I get what you are saying. Let me clear up some things I want to add, to clear up some things.
First off, the first page is kind of like a prolouge. I wanted that part to introduce Kristen and Winthrow, and some to add some background. I also wanted to put a little bit of mystery to the scene. I realize that I still need to add more description, because it would be bad if readers got lost. (Really bad! )
Thank you all for helping me. This is my first time, so thank you all for all the advice and corrections you gave me. I will try to edit the story again as soon as possible!

Hi Cat, welcome to YWS

I have to agree with the previous poster. The thing this piece is lacking hte most is description and without it, I'm afraid, we as the reader cannot make sense of what is going on.

The first page is way too rushed and isn't clear. You're pages are all of two or three short paragraphs in length and so everything is tightly packed together. Here are some ways you could enhance it a bit.

The harsh wind blew all around in the half destroyed city. Is it hot? Cold? Is the sun out or is it nighttime? Almost all the houses were either gone or burnt. Is there smoke still billowing from the wreackage? Soot heavy in the air from the fires? The smell of dead bodies? Tracks on the road showed where the soldiers marched the day before. Do the tracks show a large batillion or a smaller troupe? Why did they destroy the city? Who sent them and to what purpose? Why is this character there in the city? What is he looking for? Family? Friends? Does he know this place? Did he once live here or has he never been here before and only heard of it?The town looked deserted besides a weathered old man standing in front of one of the only surviving houses. His hat covered his face so that no one from a distance could see it. What's the man doing? watching this character go by? or is he just sitting and wallowing in misery? The man knocked on the door. No one answered. “I know you are in there, Kristen,” Still no one came to the door. “Will you please drop the planting pot that you are about to hit me with?” Behind him, a pot shattered as it hit the ground. He smiled. This made ABSOLUTELY no sense to me at all. How did he know about the pot? did he get a feeling? a mental image? did he hear her thoughts? The door was yanked open by a young girl with brown curls. Her green eyes clearly showed confusion. “Who are you?” she asked curiously. “That is not important right now.” The man replied.
The eight-year old girl placed her hands on her hips. “Do you really think I am going to let you in?” I would think a little girl, alone in a home that is partially destroyed after having a bunch of soliders tear through it and kill everyone, would probably be hiding somewhere in the house rather then answering the door to a complete stranger. Also the body language suggested denotes that she is an adult and not a child. A child would not cock her hip. He smiled again. “I knew it,” he said under his breath. Before Kristen could question him, he spoke to her. “Well Kristen, you are special. You have certain powers that most people do not even know exist.” He grinned at her shocked expression. “Hello Kristen, my name is Winthrow. I see great things in you.” How does he know this? What does he sense? How does he sense it? How did he know where to find her? Who is she to him?

Cat_910 wrote:Okay, this is my first story to submit, so please critque!! :D I am totally new at this!! I hope you enjoy.

Page 1

The harsh wind blew all around in the half destroyed city. Almost all the houses were either gone or burnt. Tracks on the road showed where the soldiers marched the day before.
The town looked deserted besides a weathered old man standing in front of one of the only surviving houses. His hat covered his face so that no one from a distance could see it.
The man knocked on the door. No one answered. “I know you are in there, Kristen,”[b](period here, not a comma) Still no one came to the door. “Will you please drop the planting pot that you are about to hit me with?” Behind him, a pot shattered as it hit the ground. He smiled.(haha, I like that. Maybe you could add a little more description? Describe how the man knew - whether he sensed her there or felt her there. That could be important.)The door was yanked open by a young girl with brown curls. Her green eyes clearly showed confusion. “Who are you?” she asked curiously. “That is not important right now.” The man replied.
The eight-year old girl placed her hands on her hips. “Do you really think I am going to let you in?”
He smiled again. “I knew it,” he said under his breath. (What did he know? What clued him in? Did she have a strange expression, unique eyes; did things shake and shatter when she got angry? DESCRIPTION.) Before Kristen could question him, he spoke to her. “Well Kristen, you are special. You have certain powers that most people do not even know exist.” He grinned at her shocked expression. “Hello Kristen, my name is Winthrow. I see great things in you.”

(Just more description for this whole scene. I know it's there in your head and your just dying to tell us everything you see and feel and hear - so TELL US.)

Page 2

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” a soldier yelled as he hit the wall. “Move, move, move!” yelled a tall blonde man, who had just hit the soldier. “We’re moving!” yelled an identical looking man. The only difference between the two was that one had a long scar across his face.

[b](Firstly, when new people speak you begin a new paragraph. Secondly, the way you've worded the shouting is strange. Don't be afraid to describe the speakers before you tell us what they're talking about. Give us the picture first. Try something like this:

" A soldier shouted as he hit the wall, groaning on the ground. A tall blonde man snarled at him, his fists rusty with his comrade's blood. "Move!" he yelled. An identical man appeared suddenly beside the other, a scar marring the mirror-image of his face. "We're moving!" he mimicked the other man. "

That's just the way I would do it, but you get the idea.)


They were in the same town that Winthrow had found Kristen in ten years earlier. (Awkward sentence. "They were in the same town in which Winthrow had found Kristen ten years earlier.") Her parents had both been killed in a raid the day before. Kristen was hiding in the house until Winthrow found her.
Now she stood on top of a hill, overlooking the scene below. The wind was blowing just as hard as it was ten years ago. Kristen took a deep breath.
“Do you still remember that day?’ she asked. “Yes. Of course I do,” replied a voice behind her. Winthrow walked out of the shadows. “It was the day that changed my life.” She said. “It was the day that changed everyone’s lives.” Winthrow said back. The amused look on her face showed exactly what she felt.

(Remember, new paragraphs with new speakers. Also, don't TELL us immediately what happened. Show us through flashbacks or dialogue. It's more suspenseful.)
Then, they heard an ear-splitting scream that made them both flinch. She dared not look below her. The demonic scene was barely enough to endure.
“Your majesty,” came the blonde man without the scar, bent down on one knee. “What is it, Roger?” Kristen asked. “And stand up.”
“We believe that attack is almost over.” Roger said standing up. “Good,” she sighed.
“Do you know how many casualties?” Winthrow asked. Kristen shuddered at the thought. “Only two, as far as I know.” “Yes, just two.” Kristen confirmed. “Just two!” Winthrow exclaimed.
“Yes sir.” Roger replied, glancing at Kristen. She flashed warning eyes at him. “But how can that be?” Winthrow asked, bewildered. “I don’t know sir.”
He looked over at Kristen. She was looking away, her hair flying all over the place. “Kristen,” he said softly, with a concerning tone. “Do you know how dangerous that is?”
“Listen Winthrow,” she said facing him, “I have to do what I can to save Lyrria. That is what I have to do. If I am going to be queen, I have to be able to risk my life to save Lyrria.” Her green eyes shone with determination.

Hey, Cat_910! This is great for a first story!

Not exactly sure why you named the parts pages. I would just separate the parts with three asterisks (***) to show that the second part was later in time.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” a soldier yelled as he hit the wall.

Hey, welcome to YWS! I see you already have one review, but you need two before you post something else. Thanks for doing at least one though!

This was actually pretty good for your first post, but make sure you put spaces in between your paragraphs and separate out your dialogue. It makes it way easier to read.

Example:

The man knocked on the door. No one answered.

“I know you are in there, Kristen,”