Published March 24, 2009
**So, during my freak out mode on Saturday, I started writing this. I have written more, but this is the first part that I have. Just rip it apart.**
**I might have based some of the characters off of YWS members. Maybe. 
**
[alexandria]
Oh no…
Please, no.
I can’t do this. I’m strong, but I’m not that strong.
“Ms. Alexandria Blaylock?” The teacher looked up over her spectacles as she searched around the classroom.
“Here,” I said, raising my hand. My thoughts inside were in turmoil. It was like I was physically in the classroom, but in my thoughts, I was in a totally different time.
“Are you Alexandria Blaylock?”
“Who are you?” I asked.
“We are the police. Are you Alexandria Blaylock?” They had asked. Their expressions had been so mean, so uncaring.
“Mr. Marcus Truett?”
“Here,” he said behind me, but I didn’t turn to look.
“Hey!” I heard footsteps and I felt a hand land on my shoulder. “What’s going on here?”
“We need to see Alexandria Blaylock.”
“This is her,” I felt him squeeze my shoulder. “But I’m her older brother. What do you want?”
“Ms. Grace Lankford?”
“Here.” She looked happy from where I saw her. Then again, with her hair surrounding her face, I really couldn’t see her.
“We have no record of her having an older brother.”
“Her father is my father. We have different mothers. I am staying with her mom and Dad right now. What do you want?”
“We have important news.”
“Mr. Caleb Adams?”
“Here.” I saw my friend raise his hand from the corner of my eye.
“What is it?”
“It concerns her parents.”
“Well, what is it?”
“They were in an accident.”
“Ms. June Evans?”
“Here,” she said, but I saw that she was looking at me curiously. If I looked how I felt, I probably looked pretty bad.
“What type of accident?”
“An accident.”
“What type?”
“Mr. Gregory Martin?”
“Here,” He said, but he was too busy drawing to raise his hand.
“I’m afraid I’m not allowed to give that information.”
“Then why are you here?”
“We needed to take Alexandria to the police station.”
“Not without me.”
“Ms. Charlotte Stevens?”
“Here,” she said, but she was looking at me as well. I knew I looked really bad.
“Sir, I’m afraid we are not authorized to bring anyone else to the station with us.”
“She’s not going anywhere without me.”
“Sir, it was her parents that were in the accident. You have nothing to do with this.”
“She’s my sister. I’m not letting her go anywhere. Now tell me, what happened?”
I knew what happened. I remember the whole scene. It was too much.
“Alex!” I heard Charlotte scream as I slipped out of my chair and everything went black.
**
“James, we need to do something about this. It’s been year.”
“I know it’s been a year.”
“Maybe she needs to go to her Aunt in Texas. It might be the best thing for her.”
“No! I know she doesn’t want to go there. She’s told me.”
“But what if she needs to go?”
Were they arguing about me?
I slowly opened my eyes to see what was going on. The lights were dimmed and the smell of disinfectant was strong; I was in the nurse’s office.
“Alex?” A familiar face came into my eyesight.
“James?” I tried speaking, but it came out like mush.
He smiled and brushed my hair out of my eyes. “You okay?”
“I think so,” I managed to mutter and sat up.
“Hey, hey, take it easy.” He helped me sit up. “Are you sure you are okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “What happened?”
“You were in the middle of class, and all of a sudden, you fell unconscious. Your friends, June and Charlotte, said that you didn’t look too good before you slipped out of your seat,” the nurse said and smiled at me. She was the one arguing with James.
My mind was in a whirl. I didn’t know what to think. The flashback, the nauseous feeling, the look that my friends were giving me; it all kept swimming around in my head, never settling down. My head was starting to hurt from all the information.
“James?” I whispered again.
“I’m here, Alex. What do you need?” His warm, minty breath washed over my face.
“Can I go home? I don’t feel too well.” I closed my eyes and faced the images that played on my eyelids. “Please?”
“Of course you can,” He whispered and stood up. “Just give me a minute."
I saw him walk over to the nurse and start talking to her. I just fell back onto the bed and wished I could just curl up and die.
[june]
“June!” I looked up and saw Caleb trying to make his way through the crowded hallway.
“Hey,” I whispered as soon as he made it to my locker.
“What?” He yelled.
“I said hey!” I said louder. The hallway was really loud, full of screaming and shouting students.
“Oh. Is Alex going home?”
“What?” I couldn’t hear him.
“I said-“ I cut him off and turned around to the person behind me.
“Will you shut up!?!” The boy looked wide eyed at me, then ran off to where the rest of his friends were hiding out in the bathrooms. “Sorry.” I turned back around to Caleb.
“It’s okay.” He smiled. “At least we can hear each other now.”
I smiled as well. “Here, can you help me with this?” I shoved him my bag, which was full of books.
“Holy crap, what do you have in here?” He pretended to stagger under the weight.
“Oh, shut up.” I turned back to my locker and grabbed some more books. “I have my Trig textbook, my AP biology textbooks, my American history textbook, my French book, and-“ I stopped and pulled out the old and worn book out of my locker. “I get to reread Wuthering Heights for literature.”
Caleb looked at me like I was crazy. “And why haven’t you graduated yet?”
“Because I wanted to stay in school. With ya’ll. Here at Burns.” My heart hurt whenever he said those words. Don’t they know why I stay behind? I don’t want to be some freak, like my sister. Why do you have to question that?
“Anyway, do you know if Alex is going home?” Caleb asked.
“I think so. I saw James up in the front office.” I frowned as the books wouldn’t fit in my bag.
“I hope she’ll be okay. She gave everyone a heart attack in homeroom.”
“I know. She didn’t look too good to begin with. Yes!” I suddenly exclaimed as I managed to fit all my books in my bag.
“You are crazy,” Caleb sighed as he handed back my heavy bag right as the teacher yell that we had thirty seconds left. “See you later. I have to get to class.”
I watched him try to make his way through the crowded hallway again as I stood by my locker.
**
“Hey Marie.” I snuggled up against my sister as she sat next to me on the bed. “Can you read me another one of the poems? Emily Dickenson writes pretty poems.”
“Sure June,” my sister said and smiled at me. “You know, she is one of my favorite poets?”
“I know! Isn’t that weird? I’m almost just like you!” I had heard Mom and Dad talking about taking me out of regular school so they could teach me more, just like they did for my sister.
“Yeah.” Her smile faltered a bit as she stared at the book. “I guess.”
I was surprised. “Wouldn’t you like it if we were just alike?”
“Well, why don’t you do what you want to do?” She tried smiling at me again, but it wasn’t as true as it was before.
“I want to be just like you!” I exclaimed.
“June, sweetie.” She drew me in closer and held me tight. “It would be much funner if you were yourself.”
I was confused. I didn’t understand. Doesn't she want me to be just like her? “Funner isn’t a word,” I whispered. She said nothing and kissed my forehead.
The teacher tapping on my shoulder woke me up from my dream. “June, dear, you know class just started.”
“Oh!” I exclaimed, and started running to biology, more confused than ever.
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139,656 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hi Caticle! June here!
Erm, I totally just made that nickname up, so don't ask -_-.
It seems like most of the little things about this have been pointed out already, so, I'll just throw my additional opinions in the pot, kay dear?
The only error I found that hasn't been pointed out is this:
Mwa! That yell should be yelled, since you're speaking in past tense, dear.
Anyway!
Wonderful job here, Cat. I love stories like this that jump from Narrator-to-Narrator; Expression Narrative, I think it's called?
I would like to know the character's age range,dear. For instance, June seems like she could be a teenager, but when she's with Marie, she seems a lot younger than that
As the story unfolds, I think that it would be a great idea to see the incident that Alex was remembering "shown" to us in flashbacks.
I would like to know more about Caleb and James; they seem like they'd be pretty interesting, and this part isn't giving us too much to know about them-- which is great
Hmm... let's see. At the beginning, it would have been kind of cool if you described the interrogators; which I'm assuming are cops, ja? Like, you don't necessarily have to describe them in a typical cop-like-way, you can describe through Alex's POV, like for instance, a sea of dark blue coats, they created tension heavier than stones, or, maybe what they smelled like.
Either way! You did a fabulous job here, Cat. I love your writing; it's always so perfect and seems so effortless. Well done, dearie.
Also! You must, must, must continue this!
9 out of 10 reviews remain; however, I may be increasing that amount
Gold star, Cat-ster!
June
'Turmoil' is the exact word for the beginning of the piece. I think it's great how you mixed up her thoughts with what was going on around her.
Created the drama.
Hey Cat I didn't know you were writing more. I'm glad you did. The dialogue was very believable. I could tell you used the way our school is with the crowded halls and the yelling. Also the screaming teacher was cool,too. I felt like since it was like something we see everyday it was very easy to picture. This interests me so I hope you write more. I would really like to see Alexandria's background story and how you tell us about her.
~peanut~
I found this very easy to read, which is to say nothing dragged on or anything like that. An issue I often find when there's lots of dialogue is that it's not believable dialogue, and that was definitely not the case here. But, of course, everything can be improved.
I'm not going to bother nit-picking grammar right now. [s]Because I can't focus that much[/s]. Plenty of it has already been noted.
While you got plenty of information and character sympathy out there through dialogue and flashbacks, there wasn't a lot of emotion going behind those words. Alex's flashback is of something horrible, and this is first person, so that allows you to get into exactly how recalling that churns her stomach and dazes her out. Same goes for June. All you need is enough to balance it with dialogue and what's going on. Already, you can get a feel for these character's histories in a short amount of time/words, and you can still keep the pace with a bit more emotion and this will help get a feel for who the characters actually are.
I'm already interested in knowing more.
Cat! Here I am.
---
When I first read this, I actually thought someone was calling the teacher "Ms. Alexandria Blaylock", and she was looking up in response to her name being called. Perhaps, mention her voice, whether it sounds crisp or loud or soft or whatnot, so that we can feel this question, this calling, coming from the teacher, rather than just her mannerisms as she calls the name out.
Wait, they? So it wasn't the teacher speaking? Hmm. Since you haven't mentioned any other presence in the classroom before, the beginning dialogue is very confusing, as you can tell, because I thought the teacher said this, and then now all of a sudden there's police in the room. Maybe make a slight reference to their presence somewhere in the beginning of the story, so during the dialogue we can feel the weight of the police being in the classroom, sense their presence before they announce themselves.
Who is saying this? XD
You tell us she wises to curl up and die, but that is telling, unfortunately. What is she feeling now? Show us, let us into her head, let us feel the torment just oozing from her thoughts after this terrible news.
---
You create very cute characters, Cat! They're amusing, and I feel myself wanting to get to know them. However, you don't really let us readers can to feel with them so much. You describe them so fast, but I want to linger in their thoughts, their experiences, with more descriptions on mannerisms and emotions that pass through them. You know who your characters are. Pass over this again, and show us their feelings and thoughts, making them more real than they already are.
Also, I think the beginning needs a wee bit of a change to make it more realistic. If someone's parents were injured, they wouldn't tell the student while class was going on, but take them to the Principal's office or nurse. I know this sort of takes away from your characters witnessing it, and you don't HAVE to be realistic (it is fiction!) but that is how a school would go about doing something like that.
I really like your writing, and I think you've got some good characters here. Also, once you clear up the beginning a little, it will be awesome! I feel so bad for Alexandria.
I hope this was helpful. PM me if you have questions!
~ Clo
*Evi alert*
'Ello,Cat. My spacebar is being obstinately uncooperative today, so if I miss a space here or there, please forigve me. This is going to be mistake-ridden, I'm afraid. 
So, I liked how you opened this. Having perspectives sway fromthe classroom scene to Alex's memories was a nice touch, and it showed howreally out of it Alex was, how she was drowning in her own recollections. However, I think it could be even more effective if you draw parallels between the two scenes. For example, in the firstlines, both the teacher inthe class and the policeman from her memories say her name: Alexandria Baylock. This draws a bridge between the two scenes, and helps us connect them. You talk about her not turning to look at Marcus; in the snippet of memory, perhaps you can mention her turning to look at the policeman. Just so it doesn't seem jumpy.
I just realized that I haven't actually read any of your writing yet! So,this shall be fun. I must admit, though, I had a hard time imagining this 'June' character telling someoneto shut up, and calling her sister a freak, because...well, I'm sure you know why.
*dies of laughter* It is so weird to see 'dear' used against June, instead of by June.
[s]---Oops! I have to go, but I'll be back tofinish up!---[/s]
Alright! Back, as promised. I don't have much left.
Thing is, that would be lying.
So, this style you've established and the way you've written this piece allows you to leave off the tags while keeping everything still perfectly clear. Impressive!
You've told of us the complete terror she felt during that night, but you'll need to show some eventually. How the darkness spread inside her, how the butterflies in her stomach turned to wasps, biting and stinging and hurting, how cold her bother's arm suddenly was. This part doesn't need it; you've done thiswell, methinks, but you could add some in later parts.
So! Hopefully that was helpful. Tell me when the next part is up!
~Evi
Music here to critique for you!
Grammar:
Language Usage [and whatnot]: I thought your word choices and stuff like that were good. You could've had a bit more figurative stuck in there, just to spruce up the story. Hah. Spruce. Funny word.
Anyway... Your dialogues were great and realistic, for the most part.
Emotion & Imagery: I thought you did pretty well with both. A few pointers and tips for each, though...
Plot: The plot was nice. You got me interested. I care. I care about what happened to Alex's parents. I care about June dealing with being smart. That's a nice thing. You did very well intertwining flashbacks with the present story!
Tips & Suggestions: Do I have any? Mmm. *searches brain* Ahh, found one. Write more! Haha. Okay, that didn't really qualify as one, but that's all I can think of at the moment.
Love,
Music.
Music here to critique for you!
Grammar:
Language Usage [and whatnot]: I thought your word choices and stuff like that were good. You could've had a bit more figurative stuck in there, just to spruce up the story. Hah. Spruce. Funny word.
Anyway... Your dialogues were great and realistic, for the most part.
Emotion & Imagery: I thought you did pretty well with both. A few pointers and tips for each, though...
Hey =]
I really like the concept for this story, but I agree with tnme22 in that we don't really know anything about any of your characters. This is partly down to the lack of emotion that they express. Your characters will seem less realistic if they don't explain how they're feeling.
I did like the way you combined Alex's thoughts with what was going on in the classroom though. It was a really different way of opening the story
So June and Alex are friends right? I think it's a great idea to have different narrators that are friends
I'm really looking forward to seeing where you take this story!
xDudettex
I would capitalize this.
Underline: This doesn't really fit in with the 'despair' that the other couple of lines have created. I would say something along the lines of 'I'm not strong enough'.
This doesn't flow very well for me.
If she is talking to the police, wouldn't she automatically recognize them as the police? Is she in her house so she can't see them and doesn't know what is going on? 'Who are you' to me is kind of an odd thing to say. Maybe try 'Who's there?' or something like that.
'We are the police.' sounds so, I'm not really sure what the word is, but stuffy? Too authoritative, too I'm not sure
Underline: This line stands out. First of all I would put it in a new paragraph, and then rephrase it. Something like 'I must have looked pretty bad'. Will still keep the vulnerability and innocence going.
Underline: How about 'passed out'? 'Fell unconscious' just doesn't really fit in my opninion.
Capitalize this.
This kind of confused me. He's yelling so why would she whisper? Is she just a naturally soft person?
I would make that italicized part it's own paragraph.
Combine these two sentence. The repetition of 'poems' is kind of aggravating and it sounds childish to have this intelligent girl saying this. Try something like 'Can you read me another Emily Dickenson poem; they're beautiful to listen to.'
This sounds childish to me. She doesn't want to be like her sister right? So why would she be excited that they are similar?
An overall comment about this is that I don't know your characters at all. I feel nothing for them. I think an easy way to fix this would be to have more thought and more explanation. This is all dialogue, and while dialogue is important you can over do it and not have enough background as to what is going on.
Get some more meat in this story. Add some more depth to your characters and this will be really good.
-Carly