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There is a silence that comes with being in a foreign land,
It's not peace, it's not bewilderment,
It's a mix of both compounded in complexity in the initial stages,
But then it changes!
In a flash, in a second, you feel different, you feel changed -
Is my environment changing me? Or is it the shaky elements within?
I am lost and broken, shaken and repressed from all angles! -
And I don't know who I am anymore - Which makes me wonder if I ever truly did
Because if I did, My inner man suspects that, that me would never have gone down without a fight
But here I am, changed - to what extent I don't know
Good or bad? I stand confounded
But my conscience screams bad
My words are stagnant and my mind is jumbled
I speak what I do not intend to and worse yet, I do what I shouldn't do
In the recesses of my mind, heart and soul, I cry for help!
Where is my God?, and where is my Savior?!
But even in my distress I still hear that still small voice telling me,
"He's right here!"
I know this is true because He tells me that He will never leave me nor forsake me!
......................
But there is a silence that comes from being in a foreign land,
It cripples you numb, and leaves you incapacitated
And in that moment, all you can hear is the chaos within that won't scream shut.
Hey Lindsay!
I liked it, the only thing that I would recommend is trying to integrate it more throughout the piece? As it is right now, I'm not sure why you chose to preface the poem like that. I would love to chat it up with you though, because I feel like there's definitely a decision behind it, but it's something that I haven't quite caught yet.
I'm Audy and I'm here to review, so I'm just going to dive right into this piece. Now, I just want to say that I love experimental pieces, and I love seeing other poets and authors trying out different things and trying to break the mold and go outside of their comfort zones when it comes to their pieces. I thought the beginning keyboard-type apparently random pressing is very interesting and visually appealing actually
Now, the actual poem itself is a bit messy, and I think that can be clarified and condensed down, as there are a lot of places that sort of repeat the same sentiment. You want to make sure that everything you are saying adds to the piece as a whole, remember: Say it once, say it right. So for example:
The "in a flash, in a second" both of those things mean the same thing -- so I'd just cut one or both of these out. Make sure you're being as proficient as you can with your wording. The fact that you feel changed -- of course you feel different! Because a change IS a difference. So it's wording like that that bogs the poem down and that's what I mean with the precision.
Another thing that I think bogs the poem down is the "compounded complexity" and words like "initial" just reads rather cold and formal and really puts a distance to the reader, when what I really want to do is connect with the speaker and sympathize.
In any case, I hope this helps. Like I said, if you wish to chat this over and if you have any questions, just shoot me a PM! I'd be happy to be of service.
~ as always, Audy
Hey LindsayG,
I really liked the flow, and the layout should remain the same in my opinion. But there is a few grammatical things that could use a little bit of brushing up.
Gettng all the little things out make a poem truly shine.
I really liked this poem. You used words to describe such a deep feeling, and that's something that's difficult to do. I think though you have a technical problem at the beginning.
"It's a mix of both (comma) compounded in complexity (comma) in the initial stages," This sentence needs commas.
"Which makes me wonder if I ever truly did" You need a full stop at the end of this.
"My inner man suspects that, that me would never have gone down without a fight" This line didn't make sense to me. I think it would be clearer if you wrote: My inner man supsects that I would ... etc.
Then I think you need to read through the poem and put full stops at the end of all the sentences. And the secod last line needs a comma at the end. These were just my little nitpick
I think Aley has a great idea about the layout for the last line. I really understand the meaning behind this, and touches me. I also really liked the phrase, 'scream shut'. The oxymoron makes me pause and linger at the end, understanding it. A unique and individual poem. It was amazingly done.
Deanie x
Alright, so this is the second poem of yours I've read and I'm beginning to think that the whole keyboard thing at the beginning of the poem is a technical error, so I'm going to ignore that.
That said, the poem itself could use some work with stanzas and lines. Personally, I like to have lines that, when read alone, make the poem more interesting. Each line packs a single nugget of some message, some truth that I want to present to the world and it is whole in itself even when it is multiple sentences, like the end of one and the beginning of the next. Some people like punctuation at the end of every line. I feel like you should really explore breaking up your longer lines into smaller lines. For example:
"And in that moment, all you can hear is the chaos within that won't scream shut." this line is one of the ones that I think could improve by breaking it up. You have the idea of Won't scream shut at the end, and to me, this is said in a very punctuated voice. Wont, scream, shut. end of story. To show this better in a poem, you can put them all on their own line.
"And in that moment,
all you can hear is the chaos
within that won't
scream
shut."
^like this^ If you break it up you get the different parts of the sentence and the suspense of your eyes smacking back to the beginning of the line. This mentally makes you pause for a moment, even if you don't pause when you're reading it and it gives the reader more time in a single line to really consider what is being said.
As for the poem, I liked this one better than Who Am I even though you deal with a similar theme of being lost in a foreign land. Good job.