Just die

Hey Linds! Long time, no talky. Anyways, I'm trying to become a mentor, so you are going to be the first person to get a 'thorough' critique from me. Lucky you!

Here it is :

I can't stand it anymore!
Just die <--------I think there should be some sort of punctuation here.
stop laying in the hospital bed <--------Capitalize the 's' and again, maybe some punctuation.
Just die <---------Ditto.
you're killing me on the inside <-------Capital 'y'.

Sickness, Illness, Disease <-------Hmm... why are all of the first letters in caps?
I don't know what it is
but you won't get any better so please, <-------Capital 'b'.
Just die!

You keep having these episodes
Making me think it's the end
but you make it <-----Capital 'b'.
It's never the end of the road


My favorite part of this whole poem was where it said : 'It's never the end of the road'. Great poem. Keep up the good work. (But, I do think that you could have used jucier, descriptive words.)

awww... how sad... but we all feel this way sometimes... is this anything that connects to you personally? I really like this poem! It is short, sweet, and to the point.

nice this is my sort of poem
reminds me of sometihng thati just cant put my finger on

Tad bit odd but i liked


keep up the good work

Conor

Well first off i am not very good at commenting on anything, let alone poetry, but its defiantly interesting. hmm well as i read through all the other comments i cant really add much, but just, keep writing and i think everyone covered everything else.....

this is rather sad and depressive but no fear opptimistic women is here lol but its rather good, it describes how a lot of people feel

lulu

Wow! Now that was a very good poem, you should keep doing what your doing!

While I agree with Snoink about the two lines that are, as she mentioned, based primarily on cliche (usually, though, note, not always, something to avoid), I'll admit that I'm intrigued by the emotion in this poem. It's very raw, if not very colorfully written; the sense of pain and of anger at feeling pain, of underlying weariness, are quite palpable. Brava, on that note.

Lindsaroo wrote:I don't know what this is so yeah...


I can't stand it anymore!
Just die
stop laying in the hospital bed
Just die
you're killing me on the inside

Sickness, Illness, Disease
I don't know what it is
but you won't get any better so please,
Just die!

You keep having these episodes
Making me think it's the end
but you make it
It's never the end of the road

Two lines I have problems with...

you're killing me on the inside

It's never the end of the road

The reason why I have this problem is most of the line is based on a cliche. So you have "killing me on the inside" and "end of the road." I think it would be more effective if you just said, "killing me" and "end."

With that said, I liked it in a strange way. It is a bizarre poem, I'll give it that.

I can't stand it anymore!
Just die
stop layingMy opinion says Lieing(or something like that) in the hospital bed
Just die
you're killing me oni think it should be in the inside

Great subject. Your meaning gets across fine here, and your emotions. My only suggestion would be to spruce up the language, use some unusual words. Good work!

Wow. There's a lot of emotion behind this poem... It strikes me as having a kind of angered/confused/tearful vibe. Did it just come to you? Or is it based on something that happened in your life????

-Kylan

this was interesting to me in that it grabbed my attention (lots of things don't) but i think i might feel differently about it depending on whether it was based on a personal situation or simply intended to be a poem. if that makes any sense. sincere apologies to snoink and staring_at_ceiling for the one-word critique.

Awww Linds. This was really good. Change your title though so it proves to be more intruiging. lol

*cries*

Keep at it!

~Rieda

[Moved to Other Poetry]

This looks like poetry to me! Why's it in Other? If it's Other Poetry, there's a section for that.