Ok lemme know what you think guys should I continue or no? Where should this story go?
Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t…
“Marlow! How ya doing baby.”
Crap.
“Hey Jude, what’s up”
“Why you hiding out in here girl come party with the boys!”
Yeah because that is the first thing I want to do right now. “No it’s ok I’m good, really.”
“No I don’t think you are, c’mon.” He tried to grab my arm to pull me up from the bed I had comfortably seated myself on. I reached up with my other arm and pried his fingers off of my arm and he looked at me with surprise in his eyes. “I told you I was good so leave me alone ok?”
“Whoa ok babe just trying to be friendly ya know? Guess I will just leave you alone.”
“Good idea.” I said glancing away from him. I heard the door close behind him and I breathed a sigh of relief. My ignorant brother had decided to host another one of his famous beer fest parties at our house and I couldn’t be less thrilled. It was hard enough to live with a crack addict for a brother but when him and all his drugged up loser friends got together it was just a train wreck. Jude was one of the more sober ones and he had been interested in me since he first discovered I had grown boobs. He was less disgusting than most of my brothers friends but that didn’t mean I had to be nice to him or even like him. Although this quiet room was probably one of the worst places I could be right now I couldn’t stand to be out there with the boys. I know it would hit me soon enough, the longer I kept calm, the faster the visions would come.
“Dark room. Huddled in a corner is tiny child, possibly a toddler it was hard to tell. There were screams in the background although I couldn’t tell where they were coming from. The child was whimpering and I wondered where her parents were. If they were the ones who were screaming…”
A cold sweat had broken out over my forehead and I wiped it away with desolation. I could never help these people because I had no idea who they were or even where they were. But I heard about most of them on the news days later. “Family of 4 slaughtered in house.” “Burn victim rushed to hospital, critical condition” “3 year old girl orphaned after last night’s murder.” It was always the same and I was always subject to the visions days before they actually happened. Don’t ask me why because I have no idea. There is this overwhelming urge for me to do something but it’s not like a seventeen year old nobody is going to be able to lead an investigation when she doesn’t even know where to look. If the visions were only a little lighter so she could see where the location was maybe it would help.
“This is useless.” I muttered out loud. “It’s not like I am ever going to be able to help these people.”
Pulling myself up from the bed I decided to leave and go chill at my favorite haunt, a local bar that was famous not only for it’s insane noise level but for the cheap drinks. As long as I was focuses on something else, the vision would not haunt me. Decided, I pulled on a light blazer and walked out the door ignoring the drunken noise and sweet sickly smell of crack around me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Thanks guys!
I will definetly take your advice and keep writing! And thank you for the advice, it is very helpful!
Heylo. Welcome to YWS!
I hope you're enjoying yourself on this site. If you have any questions, feel free to ask anyone here. This site's full of great people.
Now.. Here's a review.
This story has potential. With your character having visions, you can build up an interesting storyline. Will she eventually start figuring out who those people are and help them? Or will she go crazy because of it?
There're many ways you can continue this story, and I'd like to see how it turns out.
I'm gonna point out the few mistakes I found.
Question mark?
There're two ways of punctuating this.
"Why you hiding out in here, girl? Come party with the boys!"
"Why you hiding out in here? Girl, come party with the boys!"
I'm assuming Jude speaks this way, so I won't correct the 'Why you' part.
Your dialogues don't have many commas, so this is an example of how to use 'em.
It should be: "Good idea," I said, glancing away from him.
End dialogues that have (for example) 'I said', 'he said' and 'said Henry' after them with a comma.
Please continue writing this. You've got a story that could turn out really interesting.
Keep writing!
Hey Lindabelle! A very beautiful name... literally!


First of all, when you wrote "Hey Jude"? That was pretty much the most awesome thing ever.
My main advice would be to stretch this out. It seems a little bit short right now and you definitely have all the elements to draw it out. Maybe describe Jude better and make him creepier? He kind of seems creepy right now!
Questions that you'll have to develop in your next chapters.
How long has she been seeing these visions?
Why?
Can she control them?
Why does she go to the bar? To get away from the party (understandable!) or maybe dull the visions?
Does anybody know?
Does her brother know... and manipulate her with this knowledge (maybe he threatens her that if she doesn't let him party, he'll call the crazy house and they'll lock her up).
Also... it would be really scary if Jude found out and started to manipulate her to do stuff for him or else.
There are so many ways you can continue on this story, m'dear!