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Young Writers Society



LMS VI: 1. The First (Fifth) Night

by Liminality


Text:

Gardens are places where people get lost,
places that demand maps and a knowledge of rules.
Even in dreams, the green can bewilder,
as it did for Lily, when her eyes snapped open.
-
The soft sheets and mattress had melted away,
and now a less cosy corner was trapping her
inside a warm greenhouse with looming glass walls
fogged over with white condensation.
-
On top of that
she noticed
those fern fronds
sliding closer.
-
Long tapering leaves, casting dangling shadows,
like the fringe of a plant-based dog shuffling forward.
Lily stumbled, clutching at the hem
of what she realised was her small yellow blanket.
-
The leaves phased through her – as though
they were ghosts, or she was a ghost, or –
and just then it struck her with the touch of cobblestone
that this was the fifth night she had been having these dreams.
-
“That’s just great,”
she said
in a tin whistle voice, “and I
have a math test tomorrow.”
-
She hopped over stones, and ran through corridors
the shelves upon shelves stacked high over her head.
All she knew was that she needed to get out,
but a white light flashed, and her route was blocked.
-
A shelf had slid left, the plants in it swaying,
to stop her from getting any further.
She backed out. She found another path,
beside a small pool of green water.
-
Then that pool
began to drain
and in its place
rose an L-shaped shelf.
“Not again!” she stomped and shouted and cried,
because she had been thwarted once more.
The pots seemed to shiver. The light seemed to shift.
And the shelves, they shuffled ever faster.
-
She ducked out again, the world was a blur.
A mist began to cloud her vision.
When she fell, she fell hard,
hands scrambling for purchase,
-
and she went down
into her bed
dawn cracking
through the window –
-
a lurch in her sleeping legs.
A faint whiff of greenery.
But as for her blanket,
it was gone.

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Sat Dec 17, 2022 8:11 pm
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FireEyes wrote a review...



Heya Lim! I saw this was in the green room for a bit, so incoming review!

I enjoyed this read. I don't read many poems that center around a more narrative route, but I always enjoy them. Now, to be fair, I don't know about the bigger picture this poem is taken out from, so I will do my best with what context is given. On to the review!

I'll start with critique. I just read a work that balances the mention of specific details and general ideas very well. The reason I bring this up is because the flip-flop of general to specific, doesn't flow as well. I think the major reason could be because you wrote this from a larger piece. I've done poems like this and the major reason they don't flow as well is because of the constant switching from general to specific.

“and I
have a math test tomorrow.”
This line in particular supports my point. I didn't need to know it was specifically a math test, and I got pretty hung up on why it was specifically a math test. You catching my drift?
The general points feel more like a poem such as
Gardens are places where people get lost,
places that demand maps and a knowledge of rules.
This part. It set up an idea, and further along the idea was broken a bit. Nothing entirely wrong, but it was something I wanted to point out to make for a stronger poem if you wanted,
If you wanted to read the work, its is fear in Red Underline by Sierre. If you wanted to get some inspiration, I'd recommend that.

The last bit of critique I have comes from this line
The pots seemed to shiver. The light seemed to shift.
It is very small, but "seemed" is just such a bland word. The rest of your work is vibrant and colorful, so when "seemed" is used, it left me a tad disappointed. You could always change it to an active voice, but that's for you to determine if it still fits with the tone.

Alright, done with critiques, time to praise your work! Overall, the work made me picture many things, like the rose on the shelf and the world swaying from Lily's perspective. You encapsulated prose in poetry. It reminded me of The Great Gatsby in a way. F Scott Fitzgerald writes his prose like poetry, and this is poetry written almost like prose. Its a fun spin on a well established style.

My favorite lines had to be
Long tapering leaves, casting dangling shadows,
like the fringe of a plant-based dog shuffling forward.
I think this is your "golden line" as I call it. This is what I'm going to walk away thinking of. It's a small line, but it conveys normalcy in the most interesting of ways. "Plant based dog" gives me such a vivid image in my head, almost like a Pokémon!

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful. A parting goodbye I have is how someone said that poets describe things like no one else will ever imagine to. And that's what I got from this work. Have a great day and I hope to read more from you. Anyway byeeeeeeeeee <3




Liminality says...


Hey FireEyes! Thanks so much for the review! I had a longer reply typed up to this but the site ate it unfortunately D: So writing from memory here - I totally get what you mean about the math test detail. I'd intended it to be a quick shorthand introduction to say hey, this character's a grade school student, but it's definitely clumsy and doesn't fit the tone of the poem. As for switching between general and specific -- I think the idea had been to deliberately make the transitions a little strange and off-putting to make the reader feel off-balance, just as the character is off-balance - but that was an idea from a poetic philosophy that I've since developed away from, haha, so if I revise this piece, I'll probably take it out and stick to concretes. I totally get your comment about "seemed" as well! I was initially trying to use that word to show that the character is hovering between reality and unreality, so things only 'seem' to be moving or shining or doing whatever. Would def be cool if I could come up with a more creative way of showing that though !
Also I love that tidbit you said about the plant imagery bringing a Pokemon to mind. That's really neat and will certainly be in my head when I next think about this project or about garden dreams generally. Thanks again!



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Tue Nov 08, 2022 5:26 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Interesting poem Lim! I missed you posting this!

I like that you used your prose + poetry skills together in this as it was definitely poetic, and filled with twinkly imagery, but also prompted my imagination and made me want to know more of the story unfolding. It reminded me of the story "The 12 dancing princesses" and also the story "Alice in Wonderland" with the dreamy land where things weren't quite as they seemed.

Side note: but I love those two opening lines! A lot to think about there - and it does make sense that "gardens" are places of "rules" when I think about it more. I think you could totally do a whole napo or poem based on just those two opening lines; very intriguing!

I think it was interesting that the girl speaking had such casual and abrupt language compared to the elevated language of the narrator (thwarted, whiff, "scrambling for purchase") all read with a sort of elevated narration. I found the line "That's just great" to be a bit jolting / surprising. I think if you were trying to create a heavy contrast between the two voices there, it was successful - but could potentially be distracting for some readers - just depends what you're going for there!

I found the story aspect easy to follow - you broke it up very nicely with the even stanzas. I also like how some of the stanzas had longer flowy descriptions and then some of them like stanza 3 were more to the point and short. That changed up the pace of reading for me and made me sort of envision looking around this greenery scene taking some things in closely and glancing over others.

I definitely found myself conflicted at the end on whether the scene was a dream or "real" - almost like a "life of pi" moment. The blanket missing at the end is the perfect ambiguous touch. Not really sure what could be improved here since it was polished and solid all the way though. This poem also reminded me of your napo quite a bit with the sort of whole scene unfolding within the poem and painting this greater landscape of implied story.

Thanks for sharing!

alliyah




Liminality says...


Thanks for the review, alliyah!!

It reminded me of the story "The 12 dancing princesses" and also the story "Alice in Wonderland" with the dreamy land where things weren't quite as they seemed.
Oh that's fantabulous, because Barbie movies Alice in Wonderland were two of my inspos for this project! (I think I might have taken inspiration from the 12 dancing princesses specifically too, though I haven't looked at the folder for this in a while unfortunately ^^')

I think if you were trying to create a heavy contrast between the two voices there, it was successful - but could potentially be distracting for some readers - just depends what you're going for there!

Yep, I was going for a contrast so that it could hopefully be comedic!

I found the story aspect easy to follow - you broke it up very nicely with the even stanzas.
Ah, I'm glad - was def worried the dream-like aspect and also the expectation that this was perhaps going to be lyric poetry/ something metaphorical would make the narrative a bit hard to discern.

Thanks so much again!




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