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18+ Language

Take Care ch. 2

by LilyPhelen


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Tile makes me so sick; it’s everywhere in this building. Everything smells stale and clean at the same time. My room is no exception, but thankfully we get some items that we buy through magazines, we have little money coming in from our families; if we have any left that is. We all start with a twin-sized bed with grey sheets, a mirror, and a dresser. A shelf, if we are off suicide watch. I have a shelf full of books, Rubix cube on a stand, my slippers (bunny ears included; only the finest from our staff of course), and my dresser is filled with clothes and a picture of my parents in the bottom drawer. We have bars on our windows and we are in the middle of a forest, even in the summer it’s cold, but in the winter it’s freezing. Nothing like living in a mental facility, by a lake, with constant air conditioning, in Michigan. I used to go running in colder weather when the grass was still wet, sprawled out on the morning dew, lungs still burning. My brown hair messy and damp, but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed going to the multiple parks and running, People used to stare at me, probably because of my size and how fast I could go. It was exhilarating, and possibly a bit frightening.

I’m sitting in my room now. Crisscross on my bed, with no one to talk to. I lay down, I decide to close my eyes but am wide awake. Lights turn off as a signal to go to sleep. After hours of shifting and turning, throwing on and off the blanket whenever I get too cold, and then too sweaty; I decided to grab a book, and use the small light, coming from the moon filtering through my window, to read. It’s a book about the dragon prince. Everyone is afraid of him and he rules over the mountains, but he is extremely lonely and starts to go mad. Just as I was reading an epic fight scene between the dragon prince and the knights of the man’s kingdom, I hear a noise just outside my door.

We have locked doors that weigh a ton as if the lock wasn’t enough to keep me in (maybe if I were superman). However, it’s nighttime only night shift should be here and they shouldn’t be in the halls, those are cleaned during the day. These rules are probably for our sanity, if we have any left, keeps us asleep at night. Keeps them from making noise or getting scared by someone who decided to run around in their room naked at night. I’ve thought about it once or twice, but I guess I’m just not that into the crazy. I don’t know what it is about the older loons, they go bat shit. I’m crazy the doctor’s told me so, the doctor’s told the judge. The judge told me. I’m crazy. . . but not bat shit, run around naked, kind of crazy.

I lay my book on my bed and peel off my blankets, the cold air hitting me giving instant chills and goosebumps that raise my hair. A thousand needles pierce my skin as I slide my feet reluctantly across the floor to the door. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not afraid, just not ready for a naked crazy man to be doing jumping jacks in the hallway (has happened during the day, but not the greatest sight, and I highly doubt it’ll be better during the night), but if he got out maybe he has a key.

I slowly tiptoed to the door and peek into the window, making sure not to show my whole face. I saw a man with a twisted back making his way down the hallway. Scoliosis I presume, however, he walked with a limp, and as far as I could tell no doors had been opened. He turned at the end of the hall to a room, and just stared into a window. Fionna’s room. Then, he was gone. I lay down in bed and quickly fall asleep, the daydreams of a crazy person. When I wake the next morning I wonder if the twisted spined man was just in my head. The only way to find out is to listen and wait for the guards to talk about an escape, or talk to, practically the shyest person in the world (on top of being crazy), Fionna. 


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Thu Oct 31, 2019 3:39 pm
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Dreamy wrote a review...



Hello there, Lily! Dreamy here again. So I see this chapter has a different POV and I kind of like this voice too. I like how this voice gave out a description of sort for the readers. I did wonder how you will come about describing the hospital with Todd's voice since he seemed kind of narcissistic. You have done a good job with the voice. Now, let's address some typos.

even in the summer it’s cold, but in the winter it’s freezing


Since you have "even", you can exclude "but" I think.

by a lake, with constant air conditioning, in Michigan.


Here, I think you need to rearrange the words and write, "by a lake in Michigan, with constant air..." I think this will read better.

when the grass was still wet, sprawled out on the morning dewy grass, lungs still burning.


You mention grass twice in this sentence, nothing wrong in that but I just thought you could edit this line a bit.

multiple parks and running, People used to stare at me,


I was quite unsure if it's the character's preference to capitalise the "P" in people or if it is a typo.

my eyes but am wide awake


Again, quite unsure if the character writes this way. "Am"

and use the small light, coming from the moon filtering through my window,



I think this sentence needs some editing, "Coming through my window, a filtered moon light." But 'how is it filtered' is a question one might ask.

maybe if I were superman).


I think you could write "as" instead of "maybe"

it’s nighttime and only night shift should be here, and they shouldn’t be in the halls, those are cleaned during the day.


I don't know what the last line means? By night shift, do you mean the guards or the cleaners? See, it's confusing.

the cold air hitting me giving instant chills and goosebumps that raise my hair.


One thing I noticed throughout this chapter is the tense change. I know, I have the same problem. I've been advised to write a lot to overcome them and edit by reading out loud, it has worked out for me so I will give you the same advice.

And I think the above line will read better if, "the cold air hitting me gave me instant chills and goosebumps raised my hair." Or something like that.

has happened during the day, but not the greatest sight, and I highly doubt it’ll be better during the night)


I slowly tiptoed to the door and peek into the window,


"peeked out the window"

I lay down in bed and quickly fall asleep, the daydreams of a crazy person


"fell"

As I said already, this voice is really interesting. The character sounds very believable and I will believe everything they say for they have such a calm and matter-of-fact tone.

And the introduction of a new character, Fiona. It'd be nice if the next installment to the story was from her POV, I think it will add more dynamic to the story. Anyway, I liked this. Keep up the good job! Keep writing!

Cheers! :D




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Wed Oct 30, 2019 9:39 pm
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Jellibelli wrote a review...



Great voice! I'm seriously getting invested in this story (but I'm a little scared-by the tone of it, I feel like I can expect some characters to get killed off! Not that it's bad, of course).

I feel like extending some of the scenes can help us get a better look at the character and who he is, and set up solid character traits that you can mess with/change to make him develop later on.

However, that's not to say the pacing is bad. I find the pacing quite enjoyable, as it sets up tension in the scene. I'm so excited to read the next chapter! Also, I'm excited to find out who Fionna is! She seems sweet!





The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay