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Small town.

by LilyPhelen

I try not to speak my mind when I'm in large crowds or small ones of my peers. Only when I am with a single other do I give myself the freedom to say aloud what is burning inside of my stomach. I get ignored easily and therefore try not to let them know what is happening in my head, for it would be a waste of excellence. Their ears are too small to hear anything other than the drama that consumes their small town lives. Small-town syndrome. Katie slept with Marcus. George and Martha broke up. Hannah is pregnant.  The ongoing cult-like practice that is melodrama. Their single town lives being run by the counterfeit excitement. They are unlike the outside world, for they have disconnected themselves from. Living in a bubble rather than the vast difference that lays outside our borders.

It's alright, however, because I will always have the words that can reach the far ends of the Earth, breaching the walls of small-town life. The football players aren't making state and everyone is mad about the cheerleading drug tests. I sit and watch the chaos knowing so much more is happening just outside my life, and oh do I wish for a slice of it. I used to be moved every year, uprooted, but It was a refreshing blast of wanted mess. Other military children understanding the world in a different light. Seeing so many fads fade and different exotic people. I was the same until third grade. Third grade is when my life was forced straight into a small town scheme. It was new, for a time, and that I am thankful for, but I quickly became tired of the same people, the same drama, I don't wish to hear about how your cat had kittens again, and I don't want to see your grandmothers church sing on Sunday (no offense).

I will keep these words bottled until unleashed unto the world in paragraphs, in books, and with a punch of otherworldly flair. Until then, here I am. Let us try to push them into the real world.

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154 Reviews

Points: 2390
Reviews: 154

Wed Oct 23, 2019 10:26 am
4revgreen wrote a review...

Hello there! Che here for a quick review.

First of all, I really adored this piece. It reads almost like a monologue you'd have to perform in drama class! It really did sound better out loud, and I'm sure the other students in my college's library very much appreciated me here sat here reading aloud to myself.

Like, I said, it reads almost like a monologue, and that's because it's in a quite chatty tone with some very long sentences. Sentence length is something that everyone always gets criticised for, especially myself in English GCSE classes. I love long sentences; they can really show a lot about the character, the place etc.

I honestly can't see any faults with this piece. Though I am wondering whether this is the beginning of a longer story or just a stand alone piece? Because although I like how you just dropped us straight into the narrators life, I still don't really know enough to form an opinion of the character, if you know what I mean?

Anyhow, keep writing :-)


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100 Reviews

Points: 5531
Reviews: 100

Tue Oct 22, 2019 6:25 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...

Hi, it's WinnyWriter! I hope you enjoyed writing this. I like the concept you've used of a person locked in a small town but having wanderlust in their heart.

Let me start off by giving some constructive criticism. Grammatical things will be what I focus on most. First of all, this sentence is incomplete: "Their single town lives being run by the counterfeit excitement." Maybe you meant to say "are being run by," etc.? The following sentence is lopsided as well. Again, maybe you meant to say, "for they have disconnected themselves from it"? Whatever you meant to do, you left the sentence ending on the preposition "from," which is a big no-no in English grammar, even though it can be challenging to avoid sometimes. ;) The final sentence of this first paragraph is also incomplete. It's like there is no subject. It just says, "living in a bubble," etc., but doesn't give a noun or pronoun to specify who is living in a bubble.

In your second paragraph, there is a mistake in this sentence: "Other military children understanding the world in a different light." The wrong verb tense is used; it should just be "understand" instead of "understanding." Maybe that was just a typo. The following sentence again lacks a subject. Again, in this paragraph, you have a faulty prepositional phrase. You've written: "It was new, for a time, and that I am thankful for," etc. Honestly, even though it may sound like stiff and starchy professional writing, that really should be worded "and for that I am thankful."

Moving on from grammatical stuff, I kind of think the first and second paragraphs were almost in backwards order, in some ways. I feel like it would have made more sense if the narrator first explained that they were a military kid who used to move around a lot and then got dumped into a small town that they hate. That would not have to eliminate using a cool attention-getter by initiating your subject with the narrator giving vent to their disgust with small towns, but I really think the explanation should come first, and then the second paragraph could focus more on the narrator only speaking his/her mind when conversing with a single other. Anyway, some of that may just be my opinion, but make sure you keep every paragraph oriented around its specific topic.

Well, that's all for now! Keep on writing cool stuff! :)

LilyPhelen says...

Thanks for the constructive criticism! I understand your concern for the lack of subject in many sentences, but this was supposed to be a dramatic piece so in use of poetic diction I decided to add sentence fragments to show the reader, the frustration and thought process of the narrator. If it comes out confusing maybe you have a way to tell me how to do this in a more productive manner? Also, "other military children understanding the world in a different light." I meant as of currently, compared to the ones of the new town, but let me know if that is still incorrect please!
I know my writing might seem backwards but I used the approach of dropping the reader into the straight thought process of the narrator. I enjoy being able to explain as I move along with my writing since I often find most stories start out with the same vanilla, "hello my name is _. I'm _ years old. etc." The purpose of this was because the narrator says they don't speak their mind, so this is an inner conflict, and they bring their childhood back into view as a reasoning more than the set up to a story, but then again it's all author's purpose!
Thanks so much again let me know if that helped? or if there is any advice you have! This is my first piece on here so I thank you! I can't wait to become a better writer!

WinnyWriter says...

Ok your comment was insightful on your style.

You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer