Awakening
I float through the cells of my dreams,
Embracing the multi-coloured skies
That devour my soul.
The screech of an eagle echoes
As it takes flight.
And the new day opens
When it spreads its wings.
Sweet poison
Flowing through veins that fuel my empty heart.
The twilight spins a wheel of catharsis
When the blanket of night covers my eyes.
Feathers of life, they pour down in raindrops,
Showering me with the mist of cancer.
When the rain ceases and blends into
a torrent of raging waves,
I'm thrown into a stupor...
I drift through the blank eyes of time,
Reaching towards the thousand years
That turned my bones to dust.
When the seeds of hell are sown,
The demons rotate in the world.
But the loop will end soon
when the sky falls down.
Before you crucified me on that blue sky,
I opened my mind to taste a beginning
that I never saw.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
okay these two lines i had a problem with, so maybe you could edit them somehow.
i loved this verse it has some very good discriptions
Liked the description, but thought it was a bit too short.
Overall, this is a really good poem; it conveys the concept rather well.
Like Gadi ^^ said, try to avoid the more common cliches, as it sort of detracts from your work.
Another thing is, for most of the lines, you capitalize the first letter, except for 3. Was that intentional, or just a typo? If it were more balanced out it would make sense to do so, but the ratio of capitalization just seems kind of off in this sense.
It's still really good though!
This is good--but not good enough. I think it sorta sounds forced almost, y'know? Like you tried to make up everything as you went along, without it really flowing out.
Here are examples of places that weren't so well-done:
You're giving a scientific meaning to a creative thought, and the two don't match too well.
This is sorta cliche and bland. "Multi-colored sky"? That's like saying "blue and green and red and yellow and peach and orange and purple and black and grey skies." And devour my soul IS cliche: a tip---never use soul in an intellectual poem. Ever.
"Sweet poison
Flowing through veins that fuel my empty heart."
Cliche. You don't know how many times people use "empty heart" and "sweet poison" on this site. You don't even want to know.
"When the blanket of night covers my eyes"
see above.
etc. etc. etc.
Hope I helped!! If you don't understand anything, or just feel like strangling me, just PM.