Published September 1, 2015
Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
“Hey guys. I’m Theo from London, Britain. My family and I moved here because of my father’s work and it had been a week since I lived here. I didn’t go out much so you guys probably didn’t see me anywhere. Anyway, I like Malaysia and its foods, and I hope all of you can guide me around here. I also hope we can be friends,” the new student said, offering a smile to all of us. His gaze drifted to each of us until it met mine.
I totally didn’t want to look like I was checking him out or something but I couldn’t tear my gaze to him. He was just a unique human specimen with his golden eyes and silver hair. He looked like being made by majestic substances. His gaze went away from me, and I didn’t realize Teacher Aminah had told him to sit behind me until he moved with a confident stride towards the seat at my back.
Oh god. This guy would observe every movement I would make from his position. How could I act freely and comfortably like this, knowing his eyes would be on me. He would probably make me his laughing stock. I closed my eyes and shook my head slightly. I was being delusional. I didn’t know for sure I was interesting enough for him to inspect my every action.
Throughout the class, Arman was quiet. Besides the silence, he didn’t act unusually. He kept jotting down things in his little notebook, scratching his head a few times. He barely paid attention to what Teacher Aminah said which was usual for him. He just didn’t talk with me when usually he was the talkative one between the two of us. I didn’t know why he was like this but I didn’t ask.
During the gap before the next class, he went out of the class without telling me anything. I didn’t know where he went. Probably the toilet. Being one that did not worry easily - or too lazy to do that, I didn’t think much about it. I had schoolwork to do. It wasn’t like I wanted to do it, it was just that if I didn’t finish it by today, Teacher Aminah would scold me. And her scolding involved humiliating me in front of others.
When I was busy finishing it, I felt someone tug my shoulder. I looked behind and saw Theo smiling at me. He was leaning forward to me, our faces a few inches apart. My heart beat rapidly, and I cursed myself for letting his handsomeness influenced me this easily. I was speechless.
“I haven’t gotten myself a tour around this school,” he said, his eyes fixed on me. “I wonder if you can show it to me?”
I was almost sure I could feel his breath touching my face. I hoped my face didn’t turn red at that time. That would be embarrassing. I nodded slowly. “Sure. I can do that. After school, maybe? I don’t want to sacrifice my recess time.” I gulped. Sometimes my ability to speak comfortably with strangers surprised me.
“Cool. I meet you in front of the class by then.” His hand that was still grabbing my shoulder released it, and the feeling of being held ceased.
I turned to my table, facing the open test pad with words written on it. This... was weird. I grabbed the pen and started tapping it on the paper. He could just ask the person beside him to show him around. Why me? His face flashed to my mind, and I was reminded by his features’ striking similarities with the tiger’s. What if it was not a coincidence?
Arman appeared and went to his seat. I just looked at him. “Hey, how’s the planning going?” I said, hoping to catch his attention and managing to make him speak. I couldn’t bear his silence any longer - it was the effect of being used to his talkativeness.
He looked at me and shrugged. “Everything was going well,” he said, his eyebrows knitted into a frown, his lips pushed to one side. I knew I got him. “I’m thinking who are going to be the guests. You don’t socialize much, aren’t good at that -” I punched his shoulder lightly, causing him to smile, “- which is good, since I can narrow down the numbers. I already know the place and design of the party.” He nodded, satisfied.
“And where would it be?” I said. I didn’t mind much about the decorations Arman would put on the party since he did have a good taste which I agreed most of the time.
“Your house, of course,” he said, the slightly high note in the beginning of his sentence showing surprised.
I groaned. “My house? I don’t like people coming to my house.”
“But I came to your house all the time and you was okay with it.” He squinted his eyes as if suspicious at me.
I gave him a narrow glare. “I don’t mind if it’s you. If it’s two or three people, I also don’t mind. But we’re talking about a party. At least ten people would crowded my place. I don’t like the noisiness and loudness that would certainly happen.” I shook my head. “Nah, I won’t let you hold it there.”
“Where else, then?”
I looked at my paper and continued finishing the English report. Urgh, I hated report. I preferred writing short stories since they wouldn’t restrict my style of writing. I pretended like I was doing something casual and hopefully made my words casually spoken too. “Your house.”
Arman’s eyes widened. “My house? Th-that embarassing! You know I don’t like showing my house to everyone. I just know what they would think after seeing it.”
I looked at him and grabbed his shoulder. I hoped my persuasion worked. “But that’s the thing, Arman! Your house is huge like a mansion. It’s perfect for a party. A grand location for that. No one would forget the tall shiny gate you have in front of your house. Or the modern decoration inside it.”
He looked at me, saying nothing. It seemed like he was considering it. Finally, he sighed defeat. “Alright, alright. But you have to be there, okay? I won’t forgive you if you somehow get sick or something, which would be a made-up excuse, of course.”
I nodded repeatedly, having a smile on my face. “You’re the best!”
“Sure, sure.” He rolled his eyes.
We continued what we were doing, and I was satisfied I had finished the report writing before the next teacher came. It was the worst of the worst, but at least I’d finished it. I stared at the teacher with my mind barely giving her any attention. And suddenly I realized that this was the last period. The last class before school was over. Then, I would be with Theo... alone.
I mentally banged my head. Why did I choose after school to show him around? That would be the time when no one was in the school - which was understandable since everyone couldn’t wait to go away from it. I should just do that before the school started. At least at that time there would still be students lingering. I crashed my face on the table before holding it up, not wanting the teacher to see it.
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Heya Pretzelsing here for a review. I just decided to go through all of my old reviews and try to follow up on them by writing reviews to the next parts. I haven't done a real solid review in a long time so I am kinda rusty, so please try to bear along with me.
Anyways, let's begin,shall we?
The beginning was very awkward and seemed forced, which is the proper response and conversation that a "new" kid/student would have. I liked how you did that part. The thing is, that I would want some more personality, some more flair brought into it. Something to show me why he is such a unique human being.
Remember to put a question mark at the end of this sentence.
What does the scolding of not doing your homework mean. Because I know that in my school, they give you a big fat 0 in their grade-book if you didn't do it, and partial credit if you indeed did a part of it. I would probably like to see what the teachers would do, just to test them.
I am glad to see the first hint of romance, which is good because of the genre that you labeled this novel as. This is totally going in the general direction theme that you wanted it to go. But I also noticed something that troubled me about this: It's extremely cliche. Especially the last sentence. I think that if every girl experiences this when she sees the boy, why did you include it? I have read this a 100 times and over, because when I was younger I used to be an obessesor over romance novel. This doesn't catch my attention at all.
Your little dispute between your friends look like and shows that they have probably been arguing since they were friends for quite some time. This shows that Arman is a true friend, because he literally volunteered his house for a party. That's really a sign of true friendship in my opinion.
The ending seemed to drag on forever, and you seemed to be repeated the same emotion over and over again, until the point where it got boring. You kept on trying to show us that that she's frustrated, but the thing is that we probably already can sense that. If you go back and read over, you can see phrases that you threw out there such as: "banged my head" and "crashed my face" I would probably edit one of those out.
Overall, I am very interested into seeing where this novel is going, about that tiger and physical appearance similarity and symbolism. I actually did like how you knit it together. I hope that this review helps, and if you have any questions then you know where to find me.
Hello, I’m here to review! I haven’t read your previous chapters and, therefore, my review will only be based on this one. Please excuse me if I point out anything you have already covered, or ask stupid questions. Thank you. xD
It feels . . . forced and overly done. I don’t think “just a unique human specimen” and “made by majestic substances” parts are needed. Perhaps, you should try a simpler way to describe Theo. For example: He had golden eyes (I’m assuming the narrator’s a human. If so, how can she tell that from so far away?) and silver hair. I had never seen such a gorgeous man in my life before.
Questions I need some clarification on: Why does she feel nervous or self-conscious about him sitting behind her? Why does she think Theo will make her a laughing stock? Don’t they change classrooms for their next lesson?
Whose face? Theo’s? And, why does his face remind her of a tiger? You haven’t mentioned any similarities.
I’m curious about the party. I have a feeling something big will happen. Overall, I didn’t notice any obvious and distracting errors. There were few missing commas, but nothing too major. I like her (sorry, I still don’t know her name) and Arman’s friendship. It’s cute how well they know each other. Great job! Well done, and keep writing!
Yeah, they changed classes but just for one lesson in which they chose different subjects. Other than that, he would always be behind her.

The part about Theo, it was mentioned before, just not in this one.
Thanks for the review! His name is Aiden, anyway.
Hello Lightsong. This story was very interesting. I liked the drama you made her give off and I'd really like to read some more of the this story. What's going to happen at the party?! No don't tell me I want to read it for myself! Anyway here are some errors I have found throughout your writing. Don't worry and don't freak out there very small and I probably would have made more.
I think you meant "I couldn't tear my gaze away from him".
When you say he was like a human specimen it sounds like your a scientist talking about a ... well specimen it doesn't sound very flattering or dreamy at all.
This confused me I think you mean "He looked like he was made by majestic substances" or "He looked like he was made to be a very majestic substance"?
Who's Arman? I don't remember you introducing him into this story.
You cant put this into a sentence because it doesn't have a complete thought maybe you could edit the one before it and make this one fit in it.
You could simply say "Can you show me around?"
"I meet you" is incorrect use of tense you need you place a future tense helping verb there and make it "I'll meet you"
Again make it simple and change it to "since he had a good taste" that way people wont get confused with what you're writing down.
"But I come to your house all the time and you are okay with it."
Don't be discouraged because I found some faults in your writing instead think of the big picture and think of how it will be when the whole thing is done. Anyway there were a few more but I got a little tired of typing them down so I think you should go over this again and read it out loud, if it doesn't sound right then just make a correction. Well, I really thought this story was worth the time. Keep writing and NEVER get discouraged!
"If we keep at it eventually we can beat any challenge!"
~Wonder
Thanks!
You're most welcome.