z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

When Dream and Reality Collide [Chapter 1.1]

by Lightsong


I sat on the place where I experienced the recurring dream - my bed. My lower body was covered by cool blue blanket. I should sleep since it was ten o’clock at night. The half-opened door let enough fluorescent light to enter my dark room. I could see the details of my room like I could on the cloudy evening. Mum sat at the edge of the bed, waiting to hear what I wanted to say.

I examined Mum’s gray eyes I inherited before rubbing my sleepy eyes. “Arman wants to throw a birthday party for me,” I said. I played with the outline of the blanket, enjoying its fluffy surface.

Mum raised her eyes, massaging my left arm with care. She gave me a smile. “He’s a rich boy. We’ve never done a birthday party for you -” I could hear her guilty low note, “though I did cook something nice when your birthday came.”

I patted her massaging hand. I could feel the trace of calluses on it and something else - the warmth. ‘It’s okay, Mum. I’ve never complained, have I? I love your food.” I returned her smile with one of my own.

She sighed in relief. This familiar worry was one of the things I liked about her. She tapped her forefinger on her pale pink lips. “You’re going to turn nineteen, aren’t you? I have something to give to you. Wait here for a bit.”

I nodded and she left, her shadow trailing her curvaceous body behind. I immersed myself in the air of silence, staring at the ceiling with and empty mind. A few minutes later, Mum arrived, holding something in her hand. I could see a string dangling out of it. She assumed her earlier position and opened her fisted palm. In it was a necklace.

“This necklace is a charm. One of the family’s possessions. It was your father’s,” she said, the last part fell into a whisper. Her eyes withered, and mine followed suit. Her mouth twitched upward then, the sparkles in her eyes returned. “This is the gift for your birthday. Happy advanced birthday.”

She giggled, and I chuckled. I let out my hand, opening my palm. She dropped the necklace to my bare palm. I inspected it. A sparkling and tiny silver stone hanged between it, its string having the same colour. It was beautiful. I squeezed it tightly. I looked at Mum, hoping my eyes were enough to reflect the bugging question: Why now?

“Well, that’s it. Good night,” she said. She started to get up but I grabbed her arm.

I bit my lips, seconds of hesitation stopping me from saying anything. I mustered my courage. “I’ve been having this dream recently. It’s been a week now.”

Breaking her rigidness, she went closer to me, the details of her beautiful face becoming sharper. “And? What was it, Aiden?”

“I dreamed of a tiger. Its colour was white, its stripes silver. It kept lunging on me but when it started to do that, the dream stopped and I woke up,” I said, letting a rush of words out of my mouth. “Do you think there’s a meaning to it, Mum?”

I could see Mum’s eyes widened for mere seconds. I could feel her holding her breath just as long. She caressed my face. “It’s nothing, sweetheart. It’s just a dream. You’ll get over it soon. I’m sure of it.” She kissed my forehead. “I forgot to tell you - we’re going to your father’s grave tomorrow. Come back home quickly after school.”

Father. I’d never knew about my father. Mum said he died when I was three. My memory of him was hazy and little. The only thing I wondered about his death was how. How did he die? I’d asked Mum about this but she always evaded the question. I didn’t know why. My grandfather from my father’s side said he was involved in an accident. I wasn’t sure if that was true - if it was, why couldn’t Mum just say that?

“Okay,” I said.

She left.

“Absolutely no balloons,” Arman, jotting down something on his notebook. “Those are for primary school students. Very childish.”

Dismissing the thought to tell him I liked balloons, I could see his frown he never left since we arrived at school. Fifteen minutes left and class would start. Since it was still early, the room wasn’t noisy as only two third of its members were here. I tapped lightly the table, waiting with patience for the boredom to end. Well, having classes were less boring than not doing anything at all.

Arman turned to me, tapping his black pen on the notebook. “I want to ask you about something -” his head retreated a bit, “what’s that on your neck?”

I raised my eyebrow, and touched the string hanging around my neck. I hid the silver stone behind my shirt.“This? My Mum said it’s a charm. I’m not sure for what but it looks cool.”

“Well, you better ask your Mum about that,” Arman said. He reached out his hand and touched the string, the warmth of his finger kissing my neck. “It does look cool though.”

I shivered for a bit, wanting for a mere second for him to touch me at other parts. I just needed to be patient before I could tell him how I felt so that the burden was off my shoulder. I grabbed his hand, savoring for a moment the feel of it and released it from the necklace gently. “I know. It makes me look cool too.”

He smiled. “You’re cool already.”

I chuckled on that. I checked at my wristwatch and saw fifteen minutes were up. Form six school didn’t use bells so we had to keep in touch with time all the time. Teacher Aminah would arrive soon at anytime. Just when I was about to fish out my mobile phone and play online game, she arrived. Wearing a huge spectacle and thick makeup, she looked like a nerd desperate to have attention.

She dropped her books on the table and observed the class. It was already full with its members and noisiness ensued. “Keep quiet!” she said loudly, sending a chilling sound to the whole class, forcing its members to shut up. “I know all of your are full with energy but let spend it on studying, shall we? Now, go sit at your place.”

Some of the students scrambled to their place, and silence took over noisiness immediately, giving an uncomfortable effect of the class being dead as the graveyard. Arman was still writing down the birthday party plan on his notebook. He was one of the few students who were immune with Teacher Aminah’s strict aura. Even I could not muster up enough courage to go against the Empress.

“Today we have a new student coming here,” she said, starting her speech. So it was true then, the student Arman talked about. “He should be coming here at any time. I had just talked to his parents. He needed to do some registration matter at the office.”

As if on cue, a new figure stepped into the class with a confident stride, and I caught my breath when I saw him. A dark gray shirt hugged his muscular frame - broad shoulders and chest. He was just as muscular as Arman. But that wasn’t the one catching my attention the most. It was his face. He had golden eyes and pale skin. His hair looked like it was painted with silver colour.

He caught me watching him and gave me a gimlet stare. Out of a sudden, the silver necklace felt colder than before.

A/N: I decided to change some of the characters’ names because they were taken from real life. For those who are confused, Arman is Tameem with Teacher Aminah is Teacher Amination


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Wed Sep 02, 2015 9:22 pm
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StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey Lightsong! I came back for more!

Originally I was quite confused by the change in names, so I had to scroll to the bottom to see the author's note. Arman is a really nice name though!

Overall this was fun to read but it all felt a little bit disjointed in terms of timing. For instance, why did Aiden's mother decide that that was the time for the necklace? I assume that the dreams were the stimulus so maybe we'll find out. But I was quite confused as to why she didn't just wait until Aiden's birthday. The bits about the balloons and all were fun and I actually giggled at those, and it was good to see a bit of Aiden's normal everyday life with class and the teacher. And then boom! That ending! That was really good!

But even though these elements are all individually working overall the chapter seemed off to me, and I think that's due to the structure. I wasn't clear how much time had passed since yesterday, and just in terms of the natural arc of a chapter this didn't feel quite right. It felt like a collection of strong scenes that are definitely adding up to a story but as a unit it didn't feel cohesive. I would work on that, on making your chapters chapters and not just segments of story.

Otherwise I'd love to see a bit more of Aiden's personality which can be hard in first person. Even as we are finding out so much about the people around them, Aiden still remains a mystery (including their gender!) This is something I'm always conscious of when I'm writing in first person, and it's something I would focus on, trying to get personality across without compromising your narrative. I just would like to know a hit more about Aiden, their interests, how they view themselves. We are only at the very beginning though so let's hope there's lots of character development to come!

Thanks for the read.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

- Stella x




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Sun Aug 30, 2015 2:08 am
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Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya Lightsong, thanks for requesting a review in my thread. I am here to fulfill it, and sorry for the lateness of it, but I have a lot of requests, and I haven't reviewed at all this month. So I will pretend that this is my lab rat, and try to get back into things on this beautiful review day.

Let's get started,shall we?-I comment as I go along so ...

The first sentence of the first chapter of quite possibly your first novel(just assuming.) It didn't suck me into the story, because it was too bland and boring. This scenario happens to tons of people, who have dreams and sit on their bed while waking up or experiencing them. What you need is a hook to reel the fish in. Right now, you aren't doing that, and I'm sorry if I might be overly harsh, but this just doesn't capture my attention like it should.

cool blue blanket.

Umm, I always thought that blankets were supposed to bring warmth. All of the blankets that I personally own are indeed warm and fuzzy, so I would watch your word choice there. I know that this a minor nitpick, which I usually don't point out, but this sentence is in your first paragraph, and what I read makes me judge the rest of the chapter.

I examined Mum’s gray eyes I inherited before rubbing my sleepy eyes.


I don't know if this was already mentioned, but if you go back into this sentence, you could see that the word "eyes" is mentioned twice, and it's unnecessary. I would probably cut the second "eyes" and substitute it with "ones" (which is reffering to the gray eyes.)

Also, you made absolutely no mention that the your MC birthday is coming up, which I probably would let the reader know this, before the conversation started. This should be pretty easy for you, since you are writing in the first person POV, and so if she is excited about this, then you should let us know about it.

Then the boy, Arman. I still can't detect what type of relationship he has with the MC.If he wants to throw her a big birthday party, that means that he probably is close to her, but then again he just might have enough money and be enough rich to just bless her.

I actually really liked the way how you wrote the connection between the tiger charm necklace, and the dream that she had been having. It wasn't that obvious, but the readers could figure it out on their own. This picture of the tiger nightmare litreally paint a foreboding in my mind.

You need some kind of line break between when Aiden's mother left the room, and then when she is in school and talking to her friend, Arman.I can identify, but it would be ssssso much helpful visually if you actually did that break.

As a minor note, picking the classroom as your setting and location I find is kinda cliche. A lot of people do that, and it really does feel like since it's such an everyday thing for most of us, I really don't want to see that in books. I personally would rather have an more aspiring location, one that makes me want to sit next to Aidan.

Wearing a huge spectacle and thick makeup, she looked like a nerd desperate to have attention.


Honestly, I don't believe that stereotypes are creative at all. So I personally try to avoid them in my writing, and in my review. Even if this teacher might not be an important character, I think that you could probably practice your character-building technic, and try to at least describe her/define her a bit more.

I really liked your ending, because it was pretty unexpected, and I tried to connect those dots that you have scattered in this last sentence. It was a great cliffhanger, and so I feel like I really now how to keep on reading the next chapter, even if that would be just for the sake of finding out more and more.

I hope that this review helps, and if you have any questions, just let me know down below. Keep on writing and Happy review day!


~Pretzel




Lightsong says...


Actually, this isn't the first chapter. The first one is Chapter 1.0, which talks about Aiden's birthday, and mentions the dream in a more hookey way. If you read backward, you can see there's a word linking the tiger with the new student.

Also, Aiden's a guy. ;)

Thanks for the review! :D



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Thu Aug 20, 2015 6:08 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Wolfie here again! :D If Tameem was changed to Arman, maybe you should go back to the first chapter and change his name mentions there, too.

MAN, THIS IS INTENSE! And it's only the first chapter? How'd you do that so quickly?

I should sleep since it was ten o’clock at night.

This is kinda awkward. How about something like this: "I glanced at my clock and realized that I should go to sleep. It was ten o'clock, after all."
I could see the details of my room like I could on the cloudy evening.

This sentence doesn't make much sense to me. The cloudy evening? When was that?
I bit my lips

Just be careful - you've used this phrase in this book thrice so far.
She left.

“Absolutely no balloons,” Arman, jotting down something on his notebook.

I put a star where you need to have a break in the story. You need something like "~*~" or "***" or even the star I used, to indicate a time jump.
“what’s that on your neck?”

That sounds like she has a spider bite or something. I'd say "around" instead of "on."
I chuckled on that.

Heh. Again I'm underlining the "on." This time, it should be changed to "at."
“I know all of your you are are full with energy but let's spend it on studying,

Little nitpicks.

Ach, so intense!!! When I first stumbled over "gimlet" in the first part, it felt awkward and stuck out like a sore thumb because it's such a bizarre word. But then you reused it! It's a word that your readers can't forget, that's for sure, and you used it so perfectly! Bravo! Please, end the first chapter here. Unless you have a better cliffhanger up your sleeve (which I doubt is possible). The main thing I can't get over is this: I've hardly read any of this book, and I'm already glued.

Things are starting to come together - which, again, feels like such a weird thing to say in the very first chapter. Aiden's mom definitely knows something about the dreams because of her deceased husband, for sure, and his charm necklace. She seemed to know the exact time that Aiden needed to wear the necklace, right as this mysterious new boy arrived. If she knows that the necklace has some sort of protective or important charm, however, wouldn't Aiden's mother make sure that she wears it? She just gives it to her and assumes that she'll wear it.

After hearing the handsome description of the new guy, it makes sense now why Arman seemed worried about him. He wants Aiden all to himself. Maybe, too, that's why he wants to be extra nice to Aiden and plan her birthday party.

That's all I got! You seem to know what you're doing because so far this novel is great! Keep it up and let me know when you post more parts. :)




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! Aiden's a guy, anyway. :)



Wolfi says...


Ohhhhhh, that makes sense! I thought that Aiden was odd for a girl's name. My bad :)



Lightsong says...


It's okay! I'm actually taking a risk here, making gay romance. xD




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