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The Silent Speaker (Prologue)

Vien walked to to her house in a hurry, her navy cloak fluttering behind. She could not wait for them to arrive, the policia. It would be their seventh time here to interrogate her family members. The interrogation was the same for each time but their sight made her hopeful. The robbers would be found no matter what.

But with the way things were going, that seemed a bit too optimistic. It had been a month since the robbery happened. The loss had been replaced - scribbler device, communication orbs, ring watches, money, and everything else they had stolen. Despite that, the anxiety still lingered around. Her parents stayed awake at each night to keep watch on their house.

She hoped that routine ended soon. Robberies still happened and the policia still failed to catch the robbers but it did not mean it would stay like this forever. The robbers would be found. The problem would be solved. Everything would be as they were before. Or so she hoped. She hoped as she always did since she could not do anything else to help them.

Even my silent speaking won’t help me, she thought. They wore masks, their hands wrapped with gloves. Only one of them spoke with a voice I still couldn’t recognize.

She arrived at the cemented house. From the thick and transparent glass pasted on the wooden door, she saw no one in the living room. She knocked the door thrice. “I’m home!” she said with a heightened voice.

No one replied or showed up in front of the hard glass. She spun to look at the garage. There was no car. There was a steel broom, however. Someone should be in there, the house, and only one person who used it now. She sighed. He must be sleeping right now to be unable to respond to her words.

She took a deep breath and kept her mouth shut. A silent speaker could not sense the other but her words would still go through as long as it was still within the radius of her ability.

Niva, wake up, she spoke with her mind, directing her words to her older brother. I’m at the front door now. Open it.

No reply.

She sighed again and resumed the silence. Niva... WAKE UP! WAKE UP, I SAID! OPEN THIS DOOR NOW!

Still nothing. She was sure Niva had heard it though. He was not much of a heavy sleeper. She just needed to wait. She leaned on the gray corner besides the door and folded her arms. She breathed in the fresh air. Since the rain had ceased before she started to walk to here, the evening was cool.

Something clinked from inside the house and the door was opened, pushing her toward the corner. She could feel Niva inspecting the surrounding but she was sure he was still groggy or else he would see from the glass her presence. She smiled and jumped out from it with a loud voice. Niva trembled in shock, putting his left hand on his chest as if checking for his heart whether it was still beating or not.

“For Awin’s sake!” he exclaimed and frowned at her. “Don’t make me have heart attack, Vien. It’s not cool.”

She chuckled. “Heart attack’s never been cool.” She glanced at him from top to bottom before pushing him aside and letting herself through the door. “You sleep at the evening regularly now, you do. They haven’t arrived yet?” She inspected the living room, saw the familiar turquoise couch at the corner of it, and plopped on it, enjoying its fluffiness. It was true that it did not take long for her to arrive at home from school - it only took a quarter of an hour - but it did not mean she was not at least a bit tired.

Taking a seat on a similar couch opposite to hers, Niva leaned in and inspected her. “You should’ve asked me to pick you up, you know. You don’t have to sweat like this. Going home with a steel broom is easier and faster.” He frowned with worry.

She waved it away and smiled. They had this conversation at least once a week after she decided to walk to school six months ago. “It’s nothing, really. I just want to exercise. Plus, it takes you half an hour to reach this area after working. I don’t want to bother you.” She leaned in and patted his arm. “For a who-knows-how-many times, don’t worry.”

He gave her a faint smile and leaned back. He sighed. “I have to worry. The robberies are still happening, Vien.” He shook his head. “I know they always happen late at night but we have to be careful.”

Since you said they always happened at night, why are you worried at this serene evening? Vien thought, careful not to direct her words to him. It was easier to do that when you did not want any reply from someone you were thinking of. She checked her wristwatch. It was four in the evening. “Half an hour late and still counting,” she breathed.

He heard her. “They’re slacking, the policias these days,” he said and switched on the television located at the end of the wall opposite to him. The screen went alive with colours. He decreased its volume a bit.

She thought he did that to hear her reply but she was not going to give him one. Niva might gave up on policias but she was not. As long as someone were out there to help solve this robbery mystery, she still had hope. She clinged to it.

“I’m tired,” she said. “You’ve got your rest, now I want to claim mine. Wake me up when they come, can you?”

He gave her a slow nod, his eyes already fixed on the screen. Vien followed his gaze and found a rather inappropriate music video with a revealing female singer doing a rather erotic dance step. She quickly threw her gaze on somewhere else before focusing them to the direction of her room.

“Men these days know no shame,” she whispered and rushed away to her room. “Crisy protect my eyes.” A quick pray should be enough to avoid her from seeing those unnecessary erotic content.

She went into her room which was ten steps away from the living room and threw herself to the bed without a moment’s thought. A quick nap with a nice dream should be enough to get rid of her thought on the music video. It should be. She was frowning with curiosity right now on how the female singer did the intricate dance with her legs.

At the end, her mind spared her tired body and she slipped into the world of dreams.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review · Mon Jul 20, 2015 7:13 pm

Hello! Here as requested :)

I'll start with my general thoughts and things I notice as I read through!

She could not wait for them to arrive, the policia.

I think it would sound better to include "the policia" in with the rest of the sentence and not separate it with a comma. You could take out "them" (because when I first read that I immediately thought "who's 'them'?") and replace it with "the policia".

The interrogation was the same for each time but their sight made her hopeful.

This reads a little awkwardly to me, and I think it's because of the "their". I think what you're trying to say was that when she sees them, she feels more hopeful. But, the "their" makes it seem like you're talking about the policia (because they have been referred to as "them" and "their" so far).

But with the way things were going, that seemed a bit too optimistic.

I wasn't a fan of this line. The previous paragraph makes it seem like their fighting and they're determined and I'm getting pumped for them, and then here you take that away and say that view is too optimistic. I think you could take it out and start the paragraph with the next line. The reader can decide if he/she thinks the view you described is a bit too optimistic.

She hoped that routine ended soon. Robberies still happened and the policia still failed to catch the robbers but it did not mean it would stay like this forever. The robbers would be found. The problem would be solved. Everything would be as they were before. Or so she hoped. She hoped as she always did since she could not do anything else to help them.

This is starting to get a little repetitive and info-dumpy for my taste. I want to get into the action!

Even my silent speaking won’t help me, she thought. They wore masks, their hands wrapped with gloves. Only one of them spoke with a voice I still couldn’t recognize.

The underlined part - huh? This line made no sense to me. Silent speaking? What is that? And of course not speaking wouldn't help you...
The bold part - awkwardly worded. Try reading it out loud and see what you think.

She arrived at the cemented house.

Did you mean "cement"? I'm not sure if "cemented" is a word.

From the thick and transparent glass pasted on the wooden door,

"pasted on the wooden door" makes it seem like it's a window just thrown on there :p

Someone should be in there, the house, and only one person who used it now.

Confusing

He must be sleeping right now to be unable to respond to her words.

Awkwardly worded. Also, who is "he"?

A silent speaker could not sense the other but her words would still go through as long as it was still within the radius of her ability.

Huh?

She leaned on the gray corner besides the door and folded her arms.

I think you meant "beside the door"

or else he would see from the glass her presence.

Awkwardly worded - "or else he would see her through the glass" sounds best to me, but you can play around with it.

She smiled and jumped out from it with a loud voice. Niva trembled in shock, putting his left hand on his chest as if checking for his heart whether it was still beating or not.

This would be more effective if you showed us instead of telling us.

It was true that it did not take long for her to arrive at home from school - it only took a quarter of an hour - but it did not mean she was not at least a bit tired.

Unnecessary.

“I’m tired,” she said. “You’ve got your rest, now I want to claim mine. Wake me up when they come, can you?”

"I want to claim mine"? Who talks like that?

He gave her a slow nod, his eyes already fixed on the screen. Vien followed his gaze and found a rather inappropriate music video with a revealing female singer doing a rather erotic dance step. She quickly threw her gaze on somewhere else before focusing them to the direction of her room.

This is wordy and a little awkwardly phrased. I think there's too much mention of eyes and gazes.


Overall, you have pretty good style and technique, which is great! Those are things that are harder to teach :) However, I'm not sure what the plot here is. Really, nothing happened in this prologue. We learned about the robberies (but that was telling, not showing). We waited for Vien to show up at Niva's house, and then we watched them talk. If you're going to do a prologue, it has to be exciting (otherwise people skip them and/or won't read the rest of the book). I want more action here. More showing instead of telling. More conflict. More stakes. More suspense. I want to feel like I absolutely have to keep reading this story, and right now I don't. There are interesting tidbits about the world, but I want more.

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :)

User avatar
jumpingsheep
Review

I enjoyed reading this! I found the idea of silent speakers to be really intriguing and I can't wait to find out more! Is there a maximum distance that they can speak over? Is the main character the only one who can do it (that she knows of?)?

I'm also curious if the robbers are part of the larger plot or if they are merely a springboard into the story. Opening the story with the robberies also immediately gave the story a tense and urgent feeling, which I liked.

Thanks for enjoying and reviewing it! :) Please click the like button if you like the story. ;)

I believe the first question is already answered by the story. I suggest you re-read it. The second one might be answered later.

I'm curious too. I've this other plot that involves death but I can't seem to include it without putting in the robbery. :s

I found the answer to my first question! Thanks!

Hey there!

So the title of this story intrigued me. The thought of a silent speakers like telekinetic people is a generous notion actually. :)
I liked how the chapter was narrated, simple and to the point, quite appropriate for the genre you work on.

Regarding my other thoughts, i suggest you build a sort of suspense or a cliffhanger for this first chapter. It was a good run and you made me think of how their powers were attained and why the policias would handle this investigation of the robbery. I spotted a few grammatical mistakes in the middle part. (Sorry i couldn't put it in, on mobile. :( ) It would also help if you could describe more of the characters and this supernatural world they live in. Also hint the upcoming suspense they'd be facing. Cuz reading it now, seems more of an adventure than a suspense.

Again, i liked this idea. Develop it. :)

Good luck with writing ! :)
-Waltzing

Thanks for the review! What's a generous notion? I'm not a native English speaker, so I don't know, sorry. ^^'

A cliffhanger, eh? Maybe I can work with that. The characters description, I'll work on that, too. The supernatural world (like you said though I prefer the term fantasy world) would have to wait since I haven't yet thought about that.

It is an adventure in my opinion, and adventure's always suspenseful. I hope I can bring the suspense later. Thanks for reading! I hope you'll press the like button if you like it. ;)



The important thing is never to stop questioning.
— Albert Einstein