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The Fallen Princess [Part 4]

by Lightsong


Shendelzare arrived at the official Skywrath court with three pegasuses pulling an enchanted wooden carriage, ready with guards and maidens accompanying her. Father couldn’t attend the wedding due to his ilness, but he had relied a message to her before she left the castle. She intended to memorize and live it at heart.

Show no fear nor anger - Skywrath at its essence. Do not fall into our typical egotistical behaviour, and do not trust anyone that hasn’t put his live on the line for you, as those who have are the ones who deserve it.

That was the exact thing she was going to show them for now. Wearing this breath-taking - literally - royal dress was not just for the decoration but the power that ruled behind it, the power seized by the wearer. She looked up upon the court at its sphere-like roof, made with glasses shone by the pale blue light of the second sun. It was smaller than her palace, but still a mansion.

When she entered it, she was reminded by the room structures that made it bigger than it looked like. It had no garage - the transportations could be put on air - and the living room wasn’t quite as it seemed. In it were three doors; one in front, two at both sides. Through one of them you would find another room with two doors, and through one of them too you would find more.

It wasn’t easy to remember which room you were in, but it sure made the place bigger than it really was. Once you were familiar with it, you would know where you were. Each room had a slight difference between them with the design. The first room you entered - the one with three doors, had its wall decorated by veiny-green branches.

The commoners were there, wearing loose clothes with bland colours - brown, gray, and ginger yellow. Their wings were barely attended to, and their expressions were void of smiles but frowns. Shendelzare intended to change that.

At the top of the room was a huge round mirror. During the coronation, the mirror would reflect the scene of it - enchanted as it was. This was how the authority allowed the commoners to take part in the coronation without having to be in the place it was held. Each room was lighted dimly with gems on the ceiling. They were enchanted by head maidens using their Skywrath blood.

Shendelzare took a forward into a room with a centered small fountain, then another forward to a huge room. This room had four doors, leading the other rooms to it. This was the main room, filled by nobles and highborn people, wearing colourful attires, some of them wore deep yellow to associate with the royalty’s colour, and were designated intricately. The women wore tight dresses like she was with a low v-neck, and hint of glitters to decorate their wings.

The men wore military-like dress uniforms as the trend with hints of thick yellow for some parts, worn for ceremonies. The main colours were usually deep one like navy blue, which she had spotted, long-arm. She hoped to see Dragonir among them - he said he would be here. Where is he? she wondered, her gaze lingering the surrounding.

The main room had thirteen floors. Since each room sheltered flying Skywrathians, the ceiling was not permanently there as it acted as a boundary to go to another room. Shendelzare flew to the blank-pristine white ceiling and touched it with her right palm. Reacting upon the touch, it gave a faint screechy sound and shifted at one side, giving her full view of the second floor. She passed by it.

Each ceiling was designed to react with touches, reading the palm lines and giving access to those of higher level in hierarchy. Flying through one floor to another, Shendelzare had the highest level. Nobles owning lands and military powers called Navs were at the second, followed by Izreks, nobles owning businesses. The fourth belonged to regular nobles, those who had their achievements acknowledged and worked in professional fields.

Today would be the exception. Invited nobles gathered at the highest level, the one which had the wide curvaceous glass roof, showering them with the pale blue sunlight. At the center was members of the court - seven of them. They were in charge of this coronation. Shendelzare’s gaze hopped from one of them to another. What was in their mind having her as the supreme ruler of this kingdom?

Her gaze dropped to Hereseyr then, and she frowned. What was he doing there? He was behind a middle-age court member, Azir, and seemed to be his companion. However, he was the head servant. He was supposed to take care of the mansion, just like other servants. Shendelzare tilted her head, considering to reach him. She shook it, dismissing the thought as unnecessary.

Her gaze flew to other people, and her mouth turned downward, her eyes lowering a bit. Dragonir was still nowhere to be found. Where was he? Wasn’t he supposed to be here with her? If he kept acting like this, the role given by her father to him as his sworn protector should better cease to exist. Maybe it was time for her to find another guardian. He seemed to prioritize his researcher more than her.

Turning her attention back to the current situation, she saw Azir flew to the edge of the room where a gong hanged in the air. Muttering something to himself, a bat appeared on his hand, and he hit the gong with it three times. The loud, vibrating sound sent others’ attentions to him, and he clapped his hands. “Your majesty, lords and ladies. Please sat at the provided settees. The coronation will start soon.” He gestured to floating, fancy settees, long enough for each one of them to seat a dozen people.

Shendelzare took her breath and went to Azir after being prompted by him. This is it, she thought. The last step to leave princessdom and enter queenship.

A/N: Yup, there’s no word such as princessdom but since princedom is exclusive to princes, I decided to make the word. Sue me. xD


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Sun Oct 25, 2015 11:27 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Light!

Happy review day!

I know it was a while ago that I said I would review this, but I was interested in continuing the novel and am here to share some words on this chapter. I know it has been a while since it has posted so I hope you don't mind! I found this chapter to be a pretty good one and it really shows how Shendelzare is maturing in her own way and becoming independent. She is remembering the words of her father and will use those to empower her, as well as feels brave enough to become queen and do everything that might demanded of her after she makes that step. I am so looking forward to knowing how the ceremony is going to go and what she will have to do afterwards.

I know you later on described the outside setting of the official court, but I have the feeling that it should be so majestic and grand that when she first pulls up it should take her breath away so all that she can think about is what it looks like. I think the description of this should be there. I especially think this because the description of the outside of the court is lumped with the description of the inside as well. All in one place it's quite a lot of description and occasionally it can be nice to have it spread throughout the chapter and easier for us as readers to take in. I just thought the positioning of that could be improved.

Another thing I didn't quite get here was the feeling of it being a wedding. Yes, you did described the setting of the inside and what everyone is wearing and doing. But I needed more of a grandiose feel to come from those descriptions. Not only in the clothing but in the furniture as well. Even if she is being married somewhat reluctantly, it is still a wedding all the same and not all of the guests will know that maybe one of the couple is not too willing to be married. In fact, I doubt many of them know this at all. So what I am expecting is to hear the excited chatter of all the people and the warm buzz that comes from thinking that two people who are in love are going to be united that day. In fact, you could even get people's stolen words into the novel, where we hear them thinking about what her dress might look like, who might say what, who will cry first and all those other things that people discuss before a wedding starts xD It would be nice to hear some of those murmurs and snippets of conversation.

Speaking of wedding feel, things aren't going exactly as they would do. From my fair share of weddings no one gets to see the bride until the time when she is announced. In our world it is walking down the isle but in others it might be something different. I feel like she would be taking a back entrance into this official court where she would be treated by other women to touch up her appearance. Maybe she would be able to look down on the courts and see all the people attending from some sort of balcony, but I doubt she would be able to waltz in and walk among them all without it ruining the wedding a bit and the surprise element that everyone seems to love so much. But maybe in this world there are some other traditions. I didn't see any in this particular chapter, but feel free to create your own.

I found the new elements of flying, and the technology of the roof interesting! I didn't know people could fly before and it adds a whole new element of fantasy to the novel. I think you should try and mention these elements a bit in the previous chapters as well so it doesn't come as a sudden surprise to the reader but that they get eased into it. But I think they are a pretty cool addition, so I liked seeing it in there!

Nitpick time :D

but he had relied a message to her before she left the castle.


I think you mean 'relayed' here, and not relied.

anyone that hasn’t put his live on the line for you


I think you mean 'life' instead of live.

When she entered it, she was reminded by the room structures that made it bigger than it looked like.


This sentence confused me, but I didn't quite understand what you meant to say? Maybe when she entered, she realised that the structure of the rooms was to make it seem bigger than the building really was? I think you need to choose some different words and rearrange the sentence a bit to make it understandable.

Please sat at the provided settees.


*seat.

I like this so much and I think the story has so much more that could happen after this wedding. The possibilities are endless! So don't give up on this novel and keep writing. Whenever you post more, do let me know on my wall or something so I can come and check it out. I want to be reading more soon. ^.^

Deanie x




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Mon Oct 05, 2015 4:49 pm
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Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello! :D
This is my first review in a very long time, and I'm trying to make them better than they have been. So please forgive me if it's a bad review. ;)

Shendelzare arrived at the official Skywrath court with three pegasuses pulling an enchanted wooden carriage, ready with guards and maidens accompanying her.

This sentence seemed a bit run-on, or too many details...Maybe you could revise it to make it shorter...something like-
"Shendelzare, with guards and maidens accompanying her, arrived at the official Skywrath court in the elaborate enchanted wooden cart."

Shendelzare took a forward into a room...

'Step' should be added after 'a' and before 'forward'. Easily fixed. ;)

He was behind a middle-age court member, Azir, and seemed to be his companion. However, he was the head servant.

If you wanted to, (to make it a little easier to understand), you could combine/edit the two sentences so you know you are still talking about Hereseyer...
"He was behind a middle-age court member, Azir, and seemed to be his companion - however, Hereseyer was the head servant."
Or something... :)

Other than that, I thought this was wonderful! You do a great job with description, and I like how you made the word princessdom. ;) :D Well done, and keep writing!
~Snazzy :D
Stay awesome ;)




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Mon Sep 28, 2015 9:16 pm
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ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey, Lightsong! I saw this in the Green Room and thought I'd give it a review! I apologize in advance for any typos, I'm writing this review on an Ipod. I read through the posts before this, so I think I've got a decent feel for the story.


#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 "> I hate to start this off with a question, but I saw that this is a Fanfiction and I'm a bit curious to to what it's a Fanfiction of. (I'm sorry if you stated this already, I sometimes overlook things like that)
Ok, so onto the plot. To be honest nothing really has stuck out to me about it, and I'm having trouble remembering what has happened since nothing has seemed to stick. This may be because this isn't something I'd usually read though. But, considering I'm not a fan of Fairy Tale type stories with Princes/Kings/Princesses/etc, I have to say this is one of the better ones I've read. I like the idea of the one sister being announced Queen, and the other sister not being happy about it. (For some reason my first thought was Frozen and I have no idea why.) So, I'd say overall that is is a pretty decent story, I'm just not really the audience for it therefor I may not enjoy it as much as others.


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> You always seem to be spot-on with your characters, so I don't have much else to say!


#800080 ">Other

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> N/A


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 ">
Shendelzare arrived at the official Skywrath court with three pegasuses pulling an enchanted wooden carriage,

I'm not exactly sure if pegasuses is a word. I think the plural is Pegasi, but I'm not sure.

Father couldn’t attend the wedding due to his ilness,

This really confused me a bit at first, and I was worried I had missed something. I think maybe instead of "wedding" you meant "coronation"


Have a great day!

~Myth




Lightsong says...


Hey, thanks for the review (and the follow)! ;) This story is based on Vengeful Spirit, a character from DOTA game. The plot is based on her lore, and while there's nothing really suspenseful or surprising happening, everything that's happening is building up to that, which I'm so excited to write. ;)

And yeah, it's supposed to be "coronation" and not "wedding" lol. Thanks again! :D




Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein