Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Fanfiction

E - Everyone

The Fallen Princess [Part 3]

by Lightsong

Today, the Melenael of the week, was the day of the coronation. It wouldn’t be held in the Kingblade’s palace but the court of the Skywrath’s nation, the symbol of justice and power. Shendelzare was preparing for it, having her maidens finished dressing her. The royal attire would be an overflowing gown with a stiff corset and a low v-neck, made to forcefully set her back straight and her stomach hugged tightly. The navy blue dress was enchanted with gold glitters of the fairy dragon.

Shendelzare’s thought wandered to yesterday’s event. After checking her father, she had went to meet Dragonir, her friend since she was a child. He was a highborn, one of the respected nobles and was given the honorable task to protect her. Recently, however, he wasn’t doing his job satisfyingly. She had to find him to talk about this rumor and not the other way around. His study was distracting him.

She met him, however, in the royal library located a few hills from the Kingblade’s palace. He was at the third floor, a private place for the highborn people, sitting at a floating wooden table with thick manuscripts and scrolls scattered on it, studiously analyzing each one with his pale blue eyes. The library was lighted with pale purple gems on the ceiling, emanating spelled fluorescent light, gathering in groups and showing the luxury of the Skywrath kingdom.

Approaching him and flying through the glassy tiles of the floor, she observed other people there. It was quiet except for some insignificant whispers. A few was checking out the floating bookshelves placed at the half of the library, while others sat themselves to read at the other half, round wooden tables on the air. At the end of the library was a tall semi-circle counter with a hovering librarian supervising the place.

Dragonir looked so out of place there, changing so much from the boy she had once knew. That man with his arcane learning... She shook her head. Sometimes she couldn’t figure her friend out.

She lightly tapped his shoulder, causing a jerk from him. He turned around, seeing her with widened eyes, and stood immediately. He bowed slightly. “Shendelzare. What can I help you?” he said, not addressing her as the majesty, given the nature of their relationship. “I’ve heard from Dirane about your arrival. I am sorry for not being able to meet your request at that time.” His voice was hard and coarse.

She nodded. “It is okay. Eventually, I will meet you, no matter how late it is.” She took a seat beside him, placing her hands on her lap. Taking a deep breath, she braved herself to speak her feeling. “I want to discuss with you about a rumour. It concerns Shanniel. One of my maidens said she overheard Shanniel talking with someone about taking the reign of the country. She wants to rule, Dragonir.”

He did not say anything, his face expressionless. It frustrated her but finally he spoke his mind. “That is a huge statement. Coming from a maiden, I wouldn’t believe much of it. Perhaps she misheard Shanniel’s conversation, or even worse, she made it up. There was no reason why Shanniel wanted to take the throne. She wasn’t the type to handle administration matter.”

She let out an agreeing sigh. “I know. I thought so too but a few days ago she had been acting weird. When Herseyr told her she was not going to attend the coronation and took a place in a negotiation instead, her reaction was harsh.” She shook her head, placing her hands on the table, pressing them.

He smiled slightly. “Don’t worry, Shendel. I’m your protector. If she does indeed want to take the thrown reserved for you, I would stop her. At the end, your safety is my top priority.” He paused and bowed a bit. “Well, I’m slacking off recently due to this wonderful research, but I’m going to be there at your coronation.” He held up his face, a determined gleam in her eyes. “I’m one of the best mages here after all.”

She felt hugely relieved, but the worry still lingered at the back of her mind. She hoped he would fulfill his promise. She felt safer having him around. Since she started thinking about the rumour, she could not help but wonder just who would backstab her. If it was true, Shanniel would not work alone. There must be others involved in this scheme. She fisted her hand. She would not give up the throne. Father trusted it to her, and there must be a good reason for that. She was not going to disappoint him, and the country.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
66 Reviews

Points: 5274
Reviews: 66

Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:02 am
iamanaspiringwriter wrote a review...

(Just a warning: I've currently only read Part 3 so my review will be based purely off of this part).

I'd just like to say, good job! I like the plot, I think I would probably know more of what was going on if I had read the previous parts, although I do think that you need to tell your reader the setting a bit more. I felt like that was a little too much up to the reader's imagination. Maybe it's just me though. I'm a bit more detail-oriented. I would also recommend reading your story out loud, that way you can see if you like your word choice, used the right grammar, etc. I noticed a few places where I felt like a word was missing from the sentence, but that may just be due to personal preference and not necessity. Besides that, I really have nothing else to say! I liked the short story, you did a good job!

User avatar
1634 Reviews

Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:39 pm
View Likes
Deanie wrote a review...

Hey Lightsong!


So I promised I would get to this and then I didn't get to it, so I thought I would make it up to you by writing the best review that I could right now :) I also went back and read the first two chapters so that I could take everything into account as I was writing this. So maybe this review will lean on the previous chapters a little bit and mention things from the previous ones too.

First of all, I was actually really liking this! I am someone who is all into the political side of fantasy books where we have royalty and everyone fussing over the throne and wanting to claim it for themselves. We're mostly seeing this from the point of view of the girl who does deserve the throne, but it seems like she does have cause to be a bit worried about her coronation and I am looking forward to when we can see that scene going down! I love the way you have set up the castle and we already have had the pleasure of seeing a meeting taking place. We've been introduced to some major characters and I am sure the story can only go up from there!

I did feel like the father in this chapter, who is the king at the current moment, did need some more focus. Yes, he is the king and he is dying - and I believe his sole person is to make the throne up for grabs. But the thing is that he might be the king but he is still the main character's father. The only mention we have had of him so far is the fact that he was checked on. But I wanted to follow through with her and get the insight into his deathly appearance, what his illness looks like on him and seeing his emotional state as well. Has he accepted that he is dying, or is he trying to ignore it? Is he in a right state of mind? And from showing us this meeting we will be able to determine the relationship between her and her dad. For all we know it could be a distance and merely professional kind of relationship, or maybe she really does love him and is feeling sadness at his life trickling away. Either way, we need a bit more focus on him.

When it comes to setting, I am going to say that we need a lot more of it. I am able to see the characters but it would be nice if we had a bit more detail when it comes to their appearance. This could be essential for the two times we meet Shanniel and also when meet her guy friend. (I'm sorry, names are evading me). So when we meet Shanniel in the mirror as she is getting ready focus on her appearance by describing her dress, or maybe make up so we see some more of her defining facial features. You mention when she is looking at her guy friend that he is no longer a boy but a man. Tell us what has changed about him! Has his face slimmed out, his cheek bones becoming evident and his brown hair growing as it falls sloppily over his eyes? I want to know!

I sort of got off track there because I was meant to be talking about setting. So back to that xD As I said before, I do love the whole royalty element. But I don't know the level of their royalty yet because we have had no description of the castle. I have no idea of how big it is, how many rooms it has, how lush or not-lush it is furnished, how much working staff they have... I have nothing of that which I think would add another whole dimension to this novel. On top of that, at some point in this chapter you mention her looking out on her whole kingdom. Well then, tell us a bit about this kingdom. Is it full of castles and spirally buildings, or is it all sky scrapers and such. I have no idea!

I did really like your description of the library, and it was interesting to imagine such a place! I would love to go to a floating library at some point in my life. However, prior to this I didn't know the people here had magic or whatever it is that is making this possible. This is also chapter three which means we are pretty far along. So I would like to have a bit of a description of how the magic works and so on so that we can understand how a floating library is possible and whether it is the norm of this world as well or not.

Another note on the library - is it safe. She chooses to speak about a pretty private and important subject of her sister's loyalty out here in the open in a public library. I'm not a great spy but I know that isn't a good idea. So... is it safe for them to be doing that, or should they go somewhere else?

One thing I wanted to have a bit more insight into is the main characters relationship with her sister. She's suspicious which usually only sisters who aren't getting along too well really get. I wanted to know if they were good friends before everything happened or if she was always cruel to her.

That's all I have to say on plot! I have two tiny nitpicks but it is barely anything because your writing is just so good!

“Shendelzare. What can I help you?”

I think the word 'with' is missing from the end of the question there.

she braved herself to speak her feeling.

I think the word you're looking for is actually braced!

Okay, I actually really did enjoy reading this! I would love to read more whenever you post the next chapter, so if you posted on my wall and did the same thing again for chapter 4 it would make me so happy. Looking forward to it :D

Deanie x

Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury