Hell

For some reason lately I've been wanting to cry. The tears just seem to pop up when I'm not thinking and I look around sharply to see if anyone saw. I blink them away and continue whatever I was doing beforehand.

Sometimes I laugh afterwards thinking about how weird I am and then sometimes I feel the tears prickling at my eyes again. I don't think I'll ever be a simple person that my friends think I am.

I study a lot. I got academic for science this year. I like acting. I make jokes and laugh a lot.

That's me to my friends. I want to cry so much so much for no reason that I end up laughing; kind of the opposite of laughing so much you cry. I chuckle to myself as I think about things.

How weird am I?

I'd liked to think a lot. But then just thinking that makes weirder doesn't it? People often say "You're weird" to me and I just thank them. I laugh at things that aren't funny and I like things that people don't. Is it being unique? Or totally out there?

I find pain amusing and amusing things dull. Things that used to interest me, don't.

The only thing I reply to things I don't think are at all interesting is "LOL".

I like my hobbies, but sometimes they make me sick. I like myself, but sometimes my weirdness makes me disgusted and I feel estranged from the entire society.

Sometimes I know people love me, but I just can't feel it. I don't set any expectations because I know I can do it if I set my mind to it. That's why I don't excel at anything.

Why try if you already know you can?

I did it once, I tried even though I knew I could. It ended with me being the best and not even getting one heart warming congratulation. While someone who didn't know they could and did it anyway got a WHOLE lot more warm thoughts.

That's when I stopped trying to do things I knew could; it only ends in dissatisfaction.

I don't aim to skinnier because I know I can if I try. I don't try to make people feel bad, because I know I can if I try.

I find myself searching for something I'll never be able to do. Live in fairy tale? As a guy? Who also loves guys?

Will that ever happen?

No.

So that's why I do write about stuff like that and draw stuff like that. Because I'll never be able to do it and it makes the writing more challenging, and I know even if I try I won't be able to do it.

So, when I write about it, I feel better and slightly sick. Because I want to be able to do it? No, not that because I have nothing in life.

But I do and thinking that just makes me even more self-disgusted.

LOL.

My personality is so warped that I even think it's warped, and that coming from me with such a warped mind is almost funny.

So funny I could cry.

But here I am going around in ironic circles. Ironic? I really like that word, it describes me to the very last hair.

Dramatic? No. Simple? No. Smart? No.

Ironic? Amazingly uncaringly undoubtedly YES.

LOL

This was originally meant to be a fanfic about something else. But I think my life is even slightly more amusing than anything that my twisted mind could make up.

Sometimes I don't think my mind is weird, but then I realise everything I think about and I take it back. No one who is NOT weird would even think about their mind being NOT weird.

Amusing, no?

Heh. You must be sick of my mind by now, I am.

Okay.

I turned my attention to the clock and realised what time it was 6:66 am. I blinked, was it possible to have a time like that? The numbers appeared again this time portraying 1:11 am.

I groaned. I had been writing on a blog for so long that I hadn't noticed. LOL. My life just wound on and on.

It was lucky I hadn't wrote about what had happened lately. No, I would've lost all my Internet buddies that way.

My mouth opened and my jaw clacked; ouch a yawn will do that to you when you haven't slept for 48hrs.

I rubbed my eyes and I felt tears prickle at them. Oh, not again. I smiled at the thought. LOL.

I tilted my head as I gazed at the computer screen. There had to be some reason why I had written this down.

I shook my head in response to my own musings. No, there was none. Maybe I wanted people to understand when I was feeling pain.

I cried during lunch today and I just wiped away the tears and no one noticed because I was laughing. LOL.

These tears have become rather random of the late and I had no way of controlling them. Oh damn here they go again. Tears flitted down my cheeks and my mouth curled into a smile as I caught one on my tongue.

Mmmm, salty. Tears always had the best seasoning. Wait, that was a weird thought. Oh, well I am weird.

I sighed, maybe it was time I slept. I shuddered as I stared at my messy queen sized bed. All that would greet me in sleep would be hash. The thing that's on the screen of a TV when there is actually no channel and you change it to that. LOL.

I pushed the hair that had somehow managed to droop into me eyes off my face and moaned in tiredness. My body ached for sleep, but my mind which had been temporarily fueled with an energy drink called Mother was still zinging around wildly.

Sleeping late had never been a problem for me. I knew I could stay alive without sleep for a long time. So I didn't try, unless I got bored.

And that happened a lot. Like my mind musings - they never stopped unless I slept. And that would be horrible to have my mind suddenly stop - or maybe it would be peaceful.

I don't know. I'm too weird to even understand my weird self. My mouth dropped open again and I let loose a yawn. Goddamn body.

I sneered at the reflection of myself that the computer gave off and I moved my mouse towards the X at the top corner of the Internet browser. Click. All gone.

I laughed. All gone, how amusing. My lips tugged up into an evil smile. I found myself talking to the computer, "Good night precious. I'll see you tomorrow."

I turned it off and drifted over to my bed. Maybe peace was what I needed. Maybe not. I just don't understand anything . . . and I don't think I ever had. LOL.

My eyes drooped down and I let myself float off. But I didn't get anywhere. I was stuck; stuck in hash.

I blinked and then I laughed. This wasn't as bad as I remembered it. There were other people here as well.

One had horns and the other had a forked tail. I waved, they seemed like my kind of people. They saw me and smiled.

I smiled and began to laugh, they joined me. What a coincidence, they liked the same things as me. I took me a while to notice, because I originally thought they were weird, but then thought that were actually like me. But they actually were me.

Strange, but familiar.

The Tailed-Me talked, her voice sweet and calming, "You know it's time to return."

Return? What was I talking about?

Then the Horned-Me replied in a whiny voice, knowing my thoughts because she was me, "Hell is beckoning us."

I nodded everything seemed to make sense at that moment. I laughed; all three of me - Tailed-Me, Horned-Me and Weird-Me.

Which one was exactly me? I looked at me gazing at the other Me's worried. Maybe they saw something on me that I didn't see.

I blinked trying to think and I walked into a mirror. I looked at it. A mad grin on my face, my eyebrows arched into an evil expression. In my hand was held a sceptre; a sceptre with fire burning bright.

It burnt my eyes as I stared into the mirror shocked, amazed and intrigued. My eyes lit up and a sudden intense pain filled my head.

I fell, but no ground caught me; there wasn't any ground in hash. I fell and fell until I realised that I used to be floating; that's when I stopped.

I rubbed my head; it hurt - ALOT. Blinking I took a blind step forward. THWANK. I walked straight into Horned-Me.

When smiled at each other and linked arms. It seemed natural - like I had been born to do it, and maybe I had.

Tailed-Me linked arms as well and we formed a small circle. Grins were plastered on our faces and for a brief second I felt happy. Tears prickled at my eyes and I let them fall.

I looked and realised the Me's were crying. Our tears fell and disappeared into the hash. I spoke for the first time, my voice deep and controlling, "Come my sisters let us descend."

They nodded and a hole appeared underneath us. We floated down.

Down, down, down, down down.

Down into the fiery depths of hell.

It was dark - so dark. Suddenly I realised I was alone, but I wasn't. I knew. I knew it all.

A fire flared and I looked down upon my kingdom. My beautiful demon filled kingdom. A servant approached me, "How was your trip to the human world?"

I replied, my voice had four layers - my first - normal, second - sweet and calm, third - whiny and smart and last deep and controlling, "Unforgettable."

He bowed and I reached up to feel my horns and flicked my forked-tail into the air. I had acquired another human soul and this one was very much akin to my own. Like Horned-Me and Tailed-Me had been like me.

I had sucked them up and their auras, they were apart of me and they were apart of my personality.

Sceptre-Me was new and I was getting used to her sadistic self-hating thoughts. I gazed at the sceptre and smiled, Hell was mine and forever would be.

But I had one more AKIN soul to collect before I could rule with out question. Tears prickled at my eyes and I began to cry. After a while a smile tugged at my lips. One more.

LOL.