She spent her days in a constant daze with
Thoughts of hearts and hands grazing a guitar
She could no longer hear the music but
She sang his lyrics loudly from afar.
She sat and scribbled his name in notebooks
Calligraphy used to dot all the “I‘s”
Swearing to herself in dripping ink that
She loved him, though she hated their goodbyes.
She cursed each mile that lie in-between
Them and the lonely sheets that made her bed
Wishing that the music he was making
Was the music that played within her head.
She despised distance and troubling sleep
She counted days away instead of sheep.
(Alternate Ending:
She despised distance and troubling rest,
In place of a heart drums beat in her chest.)
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ok I loved the alliteration in "grazing a guitar" wicked image!!!!
The calligraphy used to dot the "i's" sounded strange but I got what you meant... luckily.
The bits in red are the bits I really liked. They worked well and I actually fell in love with the way you used them to contrast the distance between them.
So romantic... I like your style. xxx lexy xxx
I like this, it flowed well and sounded really good. Also liking the topic. And contrary to cymbeline_x, I loved the last two lines
I like the rhythm this has—the rhyming seems natural and the line breaks are well done. There are just a few spots that could improve:
Wouldn't it be "his name"? Or are is there more than one guy?
It doesn't make sense to say "though she hated their goodbyes", because if she loved him, hating his goodbyes wouldn't be the exception. If you said, "She loved him and she hated their goodbyes" that would make sense, or if you said that she didn't like him but hated their goodbyes that would make sense. Get some more opinions to see if it makes sense to other people, because it doesn't make sense to me.
The ending could be a lot stronger. For starters, it would help to end it with something fresh (counting sheep is cliche), and it would also help if the ending went along with your rhyme scheme. You were rhyming every other line until you got to the end, and you suddenly made two lines rhyming one after another. "Sleep" and "sheep", positioned as they are, sound forced and choppy.
These lines are my favorite, I especially like how you divided "in-between/Them"—it really helped with the forward motion of the poem. Great job, keep it up!
cx