Published January 7, 2006
Come closer: Hear my secret,
Promise not to tell
A single soul.
I’ve got a million pretty words
And absolutely no control
Over what may slip from this
Lip gloss layered
Trap, perhaps
A tired tale of boy and girl,
Sparing detail,
I’ll pinpoint the important,
Come close and
Listen well,
I leave the ones I love the most.
French kiss my farewell.
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141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
i like it, tender and well constructed
Thank you SO much for the comments!
Simple. Sweet. Short. I liked this poem. I especially enjoyed the way you ended this sad tale of heart-breaking. 'French-kiss' was a clever phrase used; I applaud you for that one. I also liked the 'lip gloss layered'. Real nice effect with that. Some of the phrases were duds I think, like; 'pinpoint the important'. It kind of put the 'p' in my pretty purse. As in, it was a little to wordy for this poem. Also, the way you wrote it; the poem was kind of like a ditch in itself. Not only do you tell the story about leaving, but I feel like you really did leave by writing it this way. You know? You used 'come close', 'listen well', and other terms that implied a bound between you and the reader. Then, like that. You are gone. A job well done. Thank you for the read.
Ooh. I like.
I love the rhythym and tone of this... It sounds almost like whispering, kind of secret and seductive. If that makes any sense.
I’ve got a million pretty words,
And absolutely no control
Over what may slip from this
Lip gloss layered
Trap, perhaps
I like this part, 'petty' is a great word to use there.
Come close and
Listen well,
I leave the ones I love the most.
French kiss my farewell.
That rhyme makes a great ending.
I think Nameless_And_Shamed might be right about that one comma. But that's minor.
Nice!
Hi! Well, I don't mean to criticize anyone, but I do have some suggestions.
Your poem needs to flow better like right here:
You don't have to put a comma after tell. It's not necessary.
Your poem should flow as if you were speaking what you wrote. It shouldn't be choppy where there isn't a period- unless you use it for a dramatic affect.
I hope this helped you for your writing to come!