My Perfect Life

I really liked this;

The fact that it was short made me soooooo happy.

The word b r o k e n written like that was clever,

The fact that you told us you were "lying" meant that we could picture all of these lovely images and then realise you didn't actually have them and so they were kinda snatched from reader.

Loved it, the dipped in chocolate thing made me start to crave what I really can't have
not fair.

Anyway, keep up the good work adnd... grrr... don't rise to brads stooopid comment.

lotsa love,

lexy xx

LiNdSeY07--


Please tell me this was a joke. It could hardly pass off as poetry (more like terrible prose with even worse linebreaks).

Don't be duped: just because people can relate to this doesn't make it poetry, nor does it make it good. You need to seriously review the basic mechanics of poetry if you're ever going to be more than Every Poet.


All the best,
Brad

I really really do like this. It does touch many people to read it...this seems to be something that happens to most everyone during at some point in their lives.

But...although dragging out the word "b r o k e n" adds emphasis...it's not very professional. It's cute for posting parts of the poem in your profile or something to add dramatic affect...but if you plan on doing anything else with it I would leave it as normal text.

Great job on content though, love it!

Very good job, and I have one small crit.

The line and the sun never stops, seems to be a little off to me. Even just changing it to 'always shines' or something would add a lot to it.

Kudos, though, this poem is awesome.

It SOUNDS nice, but it's really lacking in depth. REALLY. The poem's too short to have a repetition of "I lied."

Simple, but sweet. Very nice. I love your spacing of broken and I liked the little rhyme at the end. Nice job.

awww...

Yeah, thanks for posting this! it rocks!

Your welcome!

Thank YOU for the enjoyable read!

Oh my gosh I am SO happy that all of you commented.. I am really smiling to myself, you made my day.. I thought NO ONE read what I wrote (lol) let alone like it.. and I'm very glad.. Sorry about the &'s, that's just an annoying habbit and I am obsessed with them.. I need to keep that in mind.. As for the "By the way, I lied".. I do think that sounds good. I'm so happy, seriously.. You don't even know. I appreciate everything you said - exspecially the pointers. Thanks!

I basicly agree with everyone, especially the last part.

Where hearts are never b r o k e n
& tears are never cried.
Welcome to my perfect life.
Did I mention that I lied?

It flows really nicely and has a cool rhyme. But, yeah, the &'s are a little annoying.

Yes, the first line realy does grab your attention, lol.

What I had a problem with were the ampersands (&). Do you have to use them? I can't imagine what effect they would be good for...

i really like this poem..it was short but sweet.
the opening ("let me lie to you") really grabbed my attention..good job.

Cute. And sweet, I reminded me of Shel Silverstien poems, with the rhyming ending. I also like 'b r o k e n' being spaced like that, very original.

It was good. Nothing especially life altering or exceptionally original, but you got the point across in a short, succinct manner. Nice.

I have to agree, it was very sweet. What especially caught my eye was the spacing on 'broken', that was really creative.

I think this is my favorite poem I've read on this site so far. You really have a grasp on the power of words, so you don't need to use too many. In fact, I can address each line and not waste your time (I hope)

Let me lie to you. (I like that you tell me who I am as the audience- the person you are lying to)

Let me tell you about my perfect life, (I like the repetition of "let me", and how quickly you get to the point.)

Where everything’s dipped in chocolate, (A little too Willy-Wonka for my tastes)

& the cherry’s always right on top. (I wouldn't have thought of that, but it's perfect.)

Where the reflection always smiles, (I like the where/& flips, although I would spell out "and)

& the sunshine never stops (Nice assonance)

Where hearts are never b r o k e n, ( I LOVE the spacing here. Very cummings)

& tears are never cried. (I like your noun-verb pattern)

Welcome to my perfect life. (Good tie to the beginning)

Did I mention that I lied? ( "Did I mention" has an awkward rhythm. By-the-way would flow a bit better.)

: ) Thanks for giving me something short and sweet to read. :)

It sort of grabs you, and makes you go 'yeah, I can relate to that'! It's good how it's short, because any longer and I might have criticized it! lol

A little simple and i think a lot of people will feel like yeah i've heard it a million times but i think you also added a little fresh imagery to it and because you kept it short it doesn't get dragged down into the sameness of other poems on the topic.