Published November 9, 2007
His hand always embraced a deep brown bottle
He’d decided on suicide in its slowest form
A shot to start a troubled heart,
A shot to keep a cold corpse warm.
He was everything he wished she would’ve hated,
But she loved the way he spelled out c o m p l i c a t e d.
Marlboro coated kisses used to be her favorite kind
So she swallows cancer sticks
And vows to never forget,
Dying to remind herself of a bad habit called love.
She’s the type that hates the taste but,
Adores that way the smoke looks when it snakes its way above.
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141,498 Literary Works • 674,562 Reviews
Thank you so much! I definitely took your suggestions into consideration!
Nice!
This had amazing imagery and it was extremely good. I liked it. Original (to some extent) and provacotive.
Some comments:
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A) (WHY IS THIS NEEDED???
His hand always embraced (HOW CAN A HAND EMBRACE? IT'S A NICE TRY, BUT THE IMAGERY IS INCREDIBLY CONFUSING.) a deep brown bottle. (CHANGE PERIOD INTO : or
He’d decided on suicide in its slowest form,
A shot to start a troubled heart. (CHANGE PERIOD TO COMMA)
A shot to keep a cold corpse warm. (NICE!!!!)
He was everything he wished she would’ve hated (CONFUSING-CHANGE TO He was everything he wanted her to hate--AND DELETE PERIOD)
But she loved the way he spelled out c o m p l i c a t e d (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WAS THEIR RELATIONSHIP COMPLICATED? DID HE TREAT IT AS IF IT WAS? THE SPACES MAKE IT ESPECIALLY PUZZLING.)
B) (DELETE)
Marlboro coated kisses used to be her favorite kind
So she swallows cancer sticks
And vows to never forget.(CHANGE TO COMMA)
Dying to remind herself (SHE DIES TO REMIND HERSELF) of a bad habit called love.
She’s(DELETE THE "She's) the type that hates the taste but
Adores that way the smoke looks when it S n A k E s (NO NEED FOR QuIrKy CaPiTaLs--doesn't aid this in ANY WAY!) its way above.
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Excellent job overall.