She was the type of person who couldn’t keep her thoughts inside, often allowing them to spill out of her lips and break a perfect silence. She did not believe in perfect silences and wasn’t a fan of quiet - unless she was reading. She’d make an entire ordeal out of anything at all, particularly reading books. First, she’d put on a pair of cotton pajamas and her terrycloth robe. Then, she’d make a production of settling into the worn armchair. Finally, she would overturn pages until her eyes grew tired and her head ached from thinking too much.
“I cannot put this book down! It’s our story, Warren, except only if we were living in 1927. This book was written for me to read and it was written about people just like us,” she rambled, while he rolled his eyes.
“I don’t like when you compare me to your book people. You’re going to get all caught up in whatever guy that books about. All you’ll think about is how he’s so much better than me.”
She laughed inside her head knowing all the while that Warren was a musician and like most musicians, he despised comparisons.
“Oh, get outta’ here! I’m just saying that this book is about people like us, that’s all. The main girl talks a lot just like me. She’s nineteen like me too, and she’s in love with a boy your age. They’re married.”
He wondered what thoughts ran through her head when she read her stories. Sometimes he grew jealous of her reading. Although she was talkative and fidgety, he’d gotten used to broken silences. He also liked the way she laughed out loud at the T.V. She laughed out loud while reading too, but he never knew what was funny. Besides, the arm chair was situated underneath a slender lamp all the way across the room. He’d never admit it, but he liked the way she always sat on the center couch cushion. She took up all the room, but he liked to have her at his side. This never happened once she started reading.
“I have a question. It’s going to be one of those questions, but I really want to know your answer!”
She spoke in a dramatic tone because she knew he’d initially say no.
“No.”
“Oh, please! Just one little question. All I want to know is your answer.”
She swallowed hard and began to speak quickly, “If we were a couple living in 1927, and we were in love just like we are now - except we couldn’t have sex before marriage because that wasn’t allowed - would you be married to me? Now, at this age?”
“That is a stupid question,” he began in an aggravated tone, “but yes. We probably would be married.” She sprung from her chair, jumped into his lap and placed her head on his chest
“Oh, I knew you’d say that answer! I just wanted to hear you say it, that’s all.”
He kissed her on the top of the head with a secret grin. She was always asking questions and analyzing his answers.
“All right, all right. We showed each other we loved each other long enough,” he mumbled after a few minutes. She scooted out of his lap and onto the center couch cushion.
“Damnit! Why do you always do that? You take up the whole couch every time you sit down and I’m left with no room. You should just go back over there and read your book.”
She laughed inside her head because she knew that he wanted nothing more than for her to stay seated at his side. She was the type of person who couldn’t keep her thoughts inside so she sat next to him and thought about how tomorrow she’d write them into a story.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Awww! I thought that was absolutely adorable. I really enjoyed the way you went into both characters heads, and showed all their thoughts. Within that short about of time, I felt connected to "her" (had no name), and fell in love with Warren. It was splendid, and I have no suggestions except for to work on the dialogue a little. Perhap make some of it a little more subtle...I can't explain why though. (it's late, sorry).
MERRY WRITING!
~Bella~
I doubt you'll see any new criticism here, everyone is very good at covering things, but here I go. There is a bit of what I call "awkward phrasing" in some parts of this story. For example...
Now to me, that sounds awkward if read out loud, and of course, being as it's dialogue, that's less important than if it were description, but I still think it's a bit too awkward for a person to have even worded it that way.
Other than that, like it was said many times before, the ending was abrupt and the climax was practically nonexistent, just expand on this idea more and it can become an AMAZING story. Good job! ^^
Nice job! I love the way you portray their relationship and the way she understands Warren. The introduction hooked my attention, and the quirky dialogue impressed me. I can't wait to read more!
Arion: I totally understand what you are saying about the characters needing to be deeply in love.. and I tried to imply that they are very much in love. I tried to imply that he loves the girl just as much (if not more) but at the same time, I wanted to characterize him realisticly. He gets aggrivated with her reading because she isn't paying attention to him.. he wants to have her at his side all of the time, but when he speaks he'll never admit that.. that would make him seem 'weak'. He is supposed to be a "guys guy" type. He will speak as if he's not extremely lovey-dovey, but I try to drop bits and peices of his thoughts so that you know that he is in love.
Phu. Sorry, that was a lot.
but thank you thank you thank you for everything you said!
Yeah, I think it would make a better story if it continued. Although, if you were to continue the only advice I would have is to make it seem more like they're in love. After reading the story, I'm unsure about the guy's feeling for the girl. I know she loves him (that's obvious), but sometimes it seems like he loves her, but other times he's completely cold.
I think when most people read romance, they get so attached to the relationships inside book because of the feelings between characters. Romances are very emotion driven pieces. The thing a lot of people like the most, is how warm the love in romances is. It's obvious love, and that's why people like it so much. Because it makes them yearn for something like that of their own. Nobody want's to secondguess love.
So, having said that, this was very good. The characters seemed very well rounded, and like I've known them much, much longer. The writing style was clean, and I like that too. Good job! I wish you the best of luck with making this longer, it should be superb!
-Arion
I didn't actually state this but I was sort-of thinking that this may be the beginning of a longer peice.. except I wanted to try out a little of it and see if the characters were real enough and blah blah blah.
If I write more I will post it, but I totally understand about the ending issue.
Thanks!
I, too, like it very much.
Like said before. Great dialog, and the characters are built well into the story.
Although, the story does end abruptly, perhaps more would help.
Everything was already said. Nothing else needs to be said.
Hope it helps.
This was a good piece, but as Perf. said, it was a bit of an anticlimax.
It needs a big finale, because the whole discussion of love and marriage feels as though it's building up to something, when all she ends up doing is sitting on the centre couch cushion...
Climactic ending = great story
Hope that helps
I like it. Great use of dialogue, and the characters are pretty well-grounded in the story.
But it ends too short. Maybe some elaboration would help, carry the story just a little bit longer. Because the reader is left thinking, "Wait, this is it? She reads a book and asks her lover if he'd marry her?" [Which is pretty much what happens] and the reader feels cheated because this beautiful moment couldn't last longer.
This is a piece with potential. But carry it a little further, and it can become a piece of art.
--Seree.