Young Writers Society

This is a tour of your own navel that takes the reader nowhere.

Look at what you've written - you wondered at something unimaginable (i.e., "unreal," fake) but comparable to other things, people... What nonsense.

The rhetoric of L9 and L10 just sits unless you expect the reader to treat banalities as the subject matter for L11 and L12.

In L10 - "asleep while she's awake"? Good grief.

Here's some serious advice. Read some decent published poetry. Try to develop an ear for the stuff.

The meter is off; the subject matter is the climax of angst-ridden poetic orgy; and the insightful jabs are just "a mirage". This piece is hopeless. Start over, read some decent published poetry, and try again.

Better luck next time.

WOW! This was excellent, one of the best I have read on here so far

I think you might want to change "distractor" to "distraction".

I really liked this poem; it revealed its message very well and I liked your rhyming over all.
But shouldn't distracter be distractor? I'm not sure, but I think you spell it with an o instead of an e

Wow thank you SO much! I appreciate it!

i really thought it was fantastic!!! i agree with black daisy that part is amazing!i wish i could write stuff like that! the images you came up with were really brilliant!

I have nothing new to add, but this is swell! I love the rhythm, and how 'laughter' and 'distracter" almost rhyme in the first line. Also

The mirror is a mirage,
It wont reflect her heart.

is a cool image.

Great rhyming, great poem.

I liked this alot. It flowed nicely and was short and sweet. Very nicely done.

I do have just a few things having to do with grammatics though:

Her laughter's a distracter,
As you look into her eyes.
She's quick to say hello
But terrible with goodbyes.
She's confusing, used to losing,
Stubborn at the start.
The mirror is a mirage,
It won't reflect her heart.
Screaming while she's dreaming,
Asleep while she's awake,
She's so completely real,
And she's just another fake.

that final period is optional, but I just thought that it should go there since you seem to fully puncuate every other line.

Otherwise, great job. I really liked it.

I'm not sure if you need an apostrophe after 'shes'? But anyway, your poem is excellent. I think it fits in more with lyrical poetry though. I loved the rhythm this poem created. Good job!!!

Wow, that was really great. I loved it all - completly and if theres any grammatical mistakes i can't help you there 'cause i'm utterly hopless

I like this poem alot. It's very well written. great job!