In Pain, We Learn

Well... uhh thanks for all the comments, I guess? Actually. Scratch that. Thanks for most of them, but as for the one's that are all about 'ripping it to pieces' - I don't find them to be 'constructive' critiscism, and I thought that was what this was all about? You could be a little easier on me, but if that's how you feel, it's fine by me, just try not to be completely rude while commenting. Tell me what's wrong without basically saying that you think I completely suck, you know? Well - I'm very sorry for the &'s, I guess they didn't fly too well... (lol). I didn't do it out of lazyness, but because I liked how they looked. I have a weird thing about capitalizing the beginning of every line in my poems, and "And" just wasn't looking right. I'll change that. Uh... I see where you are saying that it lacks detail and may sound choppy, but I wrote it to be like that. I wrote it to be simple, and as if it were one long sentance. I guess I was trying to get across a point without using a lot of meaningless, thirteen letter words. But thank you. I appreciate everyone for taking time to even read it.

*comes in after too long away...and applauds Incandesence* Thank you! I was getting ready to rip this to pieces when I came along your bit there at the end. I'm sorry, but this wasn't good. It has about a third graders sentence structure, what the nine cirlces of hell are with the &'s, the rhyming seemed forced and whimsical, like you put it there because you suddenly decided you wanted a rhyming poem...it sounds like a jump rope rhyme for the sadistic kiddies who want to make mommy gasp.

For quite a time, the title of this "poem" dissuaded me from letting my eyes have acrid holes burned into them from the radiating teenage cliche of death. Needless to say, I'm wrapping gauze around my head.

I knew it would not be as good as it potentially could be as soon as I saw you rhyming. The short, choppy lines do not comfort the poem or mold it into anything bearable, or offer a sense of neurotic impulses to the reader. It was very poorly planned and structured, because (as Jack said) you make your errors gleam like sun-reflected speckles in dark water.

While I understand what you might be trying to implicate with '&,' I do not think you achieved it and should therefore replace them with actual words. Yes, imagine that, writing and having to use words - you must be in shock.

Another error that radiates from this poem is the idea that you alone and you in ONE poem can encompass life. This is total balogne. Do not focus on large-scale ideas and topics; life doesn't and neither should you. Life is comprised of many events and ideas and deaths that all must be considered when evaluating it, but it is nearly impossible to encapsulate all into one. Do not mistake yourself for a great writer. Hubris is a downfall, a tragic flaw, that should be dealt with and removed as soon as possible. What you do not have, most likely, is this hubris, but it is what you convey to a reader when you tell them what life is. Never make that mistake.

I thought that was really neat. In pain, we learn. It is very true. The rhyming was smooth which was nice. It was beautiful and short. It could use a little more description in my opinion and it didn't really move me, but it was well-written.
-writersdomain

I liked it. The rhyming didn't seem forced, but I agree with kayJuran. Change the &s!

It's cliched, and the flow is rather bumpy - with such small lines, change in syllables is easily noticeable The short lines make reading often annoying, but in a way it's simple and short, and nice.

hey i love this!

ok so it needs one or two things changed...
PLEASE change the '&'s to 'And's!

but overall this was nice and it flowed quite
well. i know some people dont like rhyming
poems but i think a bit of rhyme and rhythm
can make it feel more like a poem...

GOOD JOB!!!



~KayJuran~

first of all...this flowed like a really, really long run on sentence. I don't know why, but it did. Is it that hard to write the word "and" instead of &??? It disrupted your flow. Your rrhyming was a little choppy and it really had a sweetness to it. I don't know if that was what you were going for... Anyway, you are a good writer and I'd like to see more, but this for some reason didn't do it for me...

This is very beutiful, it flowed very niely and the ryhme sceame was very nice.
And I think you should leave off the comma here:

"Nice boys pretend,
To be so sweet,"

But this is very lovely work.

Wow, its so pretty! [I probably shouldn't use that word....] Your writing is very meaningful. It shows power and addresses problems in the world (at least, how i see it).

Full of cliches yet nice in a way. Just take out the &s (come on, it's not that hard to write "and") and add a bit of interest and it'll be fine.

Wow - thank you so much! I'm touched..

I love it not only because it's so creative and beautiful, but because of its truthfulness and simplicity. I'll print it out and hang it in my room if you don't mind. Really, that's talent.

Its kool!

awww. lol. this was cute and nice (has a tendancy for saying cute btw)
nice wrds used, rythmed (gah...cant spell) well.
some of the sentaces were a tad short though, well actually all of them were, but that dont matter.
good job