K - Screw everything you know about reading a real "poem" and try reading the words for what they are.. because this is more of a.. Freestyle? Yepp. Written by a white girl. Insaneee. Some of the rhymes are read differently then others, it's doesn't all "beat to the same drum".
I’ll pour out a line and snort a thick rhyme
I pop words like pills
Swallow them up like tequila and lime
It’s addiction.
I’m a fiend for the unwritten
Craving a fix of corporal fiction
I listen with my heart, write with my soul
When pen meets paper, I’ve lost all control
I take hard hits of verse as
My fingers and keyboard
Start to converse.
It’s obsession.
Empty notebooks are a therapy session
and maybe I’ve lost my head
But all I know is all I’ve read
and all I think is scribbled in ink
I’ll take passion and paper
Over rehab and shrinks.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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All comments are appreciated, and sorry for my little 'rant' at the beginning of the piece.. I was half kidding and partially trying to get a point across.
I loveeee you guys for reading.
<3<3
*laughs* Haha. I was totally feeling "white girl eminem" in this, without the vulgarities and wifebeaters and whatnot. I was saying it in my head and rocking out to the beat.
Okay, there wasn't an actual beat. But I was rocking out anyway.
The poem, if you take xanthan'ss suggestions, is fine. My only problem with it was your little rant at the beginning of the piece. You have to learn that we here at YWS trust each other, and take every piece of writing seriously, no matter who the writer or their past. Every writer is appreciated equally for their unique passion and skill for writing, so in the future, trust that we will do your work justice. We want nothing more than to enjoy the words that you are willing to share with us. There is no need for prejudice on either side.
I dont know if this was the best thing to put in the first line. It was a bit of a turn off, "fat" being such an awkward word.
Those are my suggestions to even out the rhythm here.
This sounds off with the rhythm, and I think you could cut out a "that" or something in here.
Otherwise, this was pretty good. I liked the ending. And it's appreciated when comments are kept mimimum or brief. I'm not reprimanding you, but just suggesting.