Age of Mortality: 475 AD
A soft breeze rustled through the long wild grass in front of me, tickling my nose with its sweet fragrance. The warmth of the summer breeze caressed my skin and sent my hair rioting in waves of white. In front of me, the blue sky seemed endless, the perfect horizon broken only by a solitary tree sitting on a hill several paces away from me, its lush branches hanging heavy with dark green leaves. The scene was perfect. The ideal moment of summer bliss and relaxation. A moment that one could strive for their entire life to replicate but never manage it.
It was way too boring.
I hated it.
I turned to my companion, my mouth open to complain, only to see him sprawled asleep in the tall grass. His eyes shut fast in surrender to the bliss of the moment.
“You have got to be kidding me,” I muttered to myself as I tromped over to him. The tall grass brushed against my shoulders as I moved. Not because it was especially tall, more because I had the physique of a ten year old child and the height to match. Not that that was a concern for me. The form I was currently inhabiting was one of my choice.
I stepped up to the body of my dozing friend, crossed my arms, and tapped my foot impatiently by his head of dusty black hair.
The teenaged boy before me, his arms folded under his head and his long legs crossed at the ankles, looked far too peaceful for my liking. His eyes were gently shut and his mouth was open serenely. He appeared to not have a care in the world. Perfectly at peace, perfectly boring. I would have to rectify that immediately.
My lips curled into a savage smile sure to show off my fang-like canines at the very thought of making this scene amusing. I held up one hand and an orb of blue foxfire burst to life cupped in my gloved palm. This was all I needed to fix my boredom. I held my arm over him, rotated my wrist, and without any hesitation, dumped the foxfire onto his head.
His eyes flew open when the fire touched his skin and he jumped upright in a flash, slapping at his clothes and hair frantically like that would douse my fire. “Gah! What the Helheim, Val? I was just resting my eyes!”
I raised an eyebrow, completely unperturbed by his dramatic proclamation. “Yes, you were resting your eyes as much as I am an angel.”
He glared at me as he finally gave up on his futile efforts to resist my flame. With my objective achieved, I snapped my fingers and the fire disappeared. “What are you whining about anyway, Fen? It's not like my foxfire could ever hurt you. You’re not human.”
“You say that like humans are vermin in your eyes,” he sighed, completely forgetting about his outrage at the fire. His attention span was worse than mine and that was saying something. “We may not be human but we’re both enough like them to at least look at them as more than vermin.” I said nothing, certain that my expression said it all. Fen took one look at me and then sighed again. He rolled his eyes skyward like he couldn’t believe we were friends. Well, that made two of us.
“If you hate them that much, why do you take their form?” he gestured at my very much human appearance. “That’s human, Val.”
I resisted the urge to cross my arms again to hide my humanoid body. “What form I take is up to me. I enjoy this form.”
“I think you just like scaring people in the body of a ten year old,” he muttered, slumping to the ground. His voice was low, but if he didn’t want me to hear it, he wouldn’t have said anything. My hearing was just as good as his and he knew it. “Of course,” he continued. “It's not like you look completely human or anything, not with that white hair and yellow eyes.” He smirked up at me, his gaze dancing with laughter at my expense.
The urge to flick said hair out of said eyes was strong. I resisted with noble effort. “You’re one to talk,” I replied with a sneer, turning my much darker gaze to the rest of his form.
“What, you mean my height?” Fen asked cheekily, waving a hand down his body.
I glared at him, “Amusing, but that’s not it and you know it.”
Fen was actually tall for a sixteen year old, but that wasn’t what I was talking about when it came to his otherworldly traits. I was, of course, referring to his skin, ears, and eyes. His skin stood out with its cocoa-like tone since the rest of his village(and myself) possessed milky skin rather than his dark. His ears were long and pointed like an elf from my homeworld, though he had significantly more pieces of metal stuck in them for fun. Why a person would voluntarily stab themselves with metal for decorative purposes was beyond me. Still, while his ears and skin were impressive, his eyes were his truly inhuman trait. Though the both of us possessed the yellow eyes of a beast, his were the bright yellow of lemons while mine were the color of liquid gold, the same as the eyes in my true form.
“Of course you don’t mean my height,” Fen sighed with aplomb. “Because no one ever does. Even when you show up in the village and terrorize them, everyone still thinks I’m the one who looks the farthest from human.”
I felt my lips turning up at Fen’s theatrics and finally had to admit defeat and smiled. I stepped up to him and patted his shoulder, a feat only accomplished through the fact that he was still sitting and thus actually shorter than me for once. “In their defense, I do look more human than you like this.”
He stared at me. “You look like a fox.”
“I am a fox,” I replied. Which was the truth of course, although I was unsure as to why he was bringing that up.
Fen’s eyes suddenly lost their happiness and darkened to a more somber tone. I was confused about why he suddenly looked so downcast when he looked up at me and said: “Hey, Val, I’ve wondered this for a while. Why do you take a child’s form when you’re human? My human form ages with me, but yours doesn’t. You could be anything, so why that?”
I paused in answering, momentarily caught off guard about the question. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to answer him, it was more like I didn’t truly understand the reasoning behind it myself. I took this form because this was my human form. I did not think any more thought should go into it. It wasn't like I was human and caught up in the littlest of details.
Unfortunately enough, that kind of answer wouldn’t satisfy one brought up by humans like Fen. Aptly enough, Fen was like a dog with a bone when he wanted to know something, he would never give it up for the world. Sometimes amusing, oftentimes annoying. I finally settled on the answer of: “I suppose I take it because I feel the most comfortable in it.”
“I see,” Fen seemed content with that answer, which meant I wouldn’t have to deal with his prying. Thank the originals. “That’s kind of sad.”
That statement caught me off guard even more than his previous, “What do you mean?” I asked, completely dumbfounded.
“Well,” Fen cocked his head to the side and his bangs fell across his face, “I mean, you don’t grow. You’re older than me by centuries and yet you look and act like a child. You don’t get older or change, that’s sad.”
“How do you figure?” I questioned. “I would think getting older would be a bad thing.” I had certainly never wished to be like those shriveled crones I saw in Fen’s village. Ugh, how terrible. I forced myself to hold down a shudder of disgust at that fate.
“Yeah, I suppose getting old in itself isn’t very fun,” Fen admitted, chuckling a little bit, before resuming his solemn expression, “But there are some good points. You wouldn’t understand that, though. You’re trapped in one time. You never change or mature.”
“I change all the time,” I argued. “I’m a shapeshifter.”
“So am I and you know that’s not what I meant,” Fen rebuked with narrowed eyes. “Change is usually a good thing, you know.”
I crossed my arms, rolling my eyes. “Yeah, I don’t believe you.”
Fen laughed. “I didn’t think you would.”
“So why did you bring it up?” this was not a conversation I was enjoying.
“I don’t know, I just feel sad for you sometimes, is all,” Fen smiled at me, but it wasn’t one of his usual broad grins, this one was tinged with melancholy and something achingly bittersweet.
I was instantly on guard. I hated being looked down on, and pity was nothing more than the well-intentioned cousin of scorn. I had been looked down on enough in my life to know that for sure. I opened my mouth to launch a torrent of insults at Fen sure to cut him down to size when a new voice interrupted me.
“Fen! Val! Lunch is ready!” the voice of Emily, Fen’s sister, reached us over the tops of the grass like the wind. Her interruption halted my words in my throat and prevented me from spewing insults.
I was almost grateful to her for the interruption. Looked like I had almost succumbed to my instincts again.
While mostly an annoyance, Fen was one of the few creatures in these worlds who understood me as more than the final ancient fox. It was a connection that I would do anything to maintain, even keeping my mouth shut when I wanted to hurt him. I was a wild fox, something that many had issues with, but that I saw no issue in, and that wildness sometimes caused me to act without thinking. Fen was one of the few people that I would curb my baser instincts for.
“Ha! Finally,” Fen leaped to his feet, his sunny smile back in place. His quick reaction coupled with my distracted state, meant that I was far too slow to dodge in time. He slammed into me and almost sent me sprawling into the soft grass, only my whip-quick reflexes saved me from that humiliating fate. “Come on, Val,” Fen turned his naive grin on me and despite my irritation, I still had to force down the urge to smile back at him. “We can’t miss this! Emily’s cooking is the best!” and with a whoop of happiness, he dashed off into the grass towards his house.
“Don’t you eat it everyday already?” I called after him, but he didn’t even seem to hear me.
“Idiot,” I muttered to myself, shaking my head. Then I looked back up to his retreating back. It wouldn’t be long before his sixteenth birthday now, I realized. And that meant the duty he was always forced to perform on his birthdays was rapidly approaching as well. A pang of what could be pity went through me, but I pushed it aside. I hated to be pitied, so I wouldn’t pity others.
I just feel sorry for you sometimes is all.
“He feels sorry for me, huh?” I mumbled. “One of us never changes, and the other is destined for a fate crueler than death and knows nothing of it. Between the two of us, I’d say you’re the one who needs pity the most, Fen.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello! I'm back with a review.
Overall, this was an interesting chapter, we have already have two unique characters and some good beginning downtime. I do have two minor critiques/questions.
A) This seems like a strange way to start a book, I would expect them to be doing some more mundane things to introduce us to them before we get such a deep character motivation type conversation. Seems like a strange place to start, and a little jarring, I just met them, and now we are talking about their very core as characters? I want to see them live their lives a bit before they are explained to me.
B) I don't know if this was intentional but there were some contradictions in the way the characters acted and talked.
Especially around this line
See, since there are multiple instances when it seems like our fox is chaotic, and therefore a change liking type. Like how they hate the calm beauty and find it boring, or how they think that eating the same person cooking every day causes it to be less good. Was that intentional? Is that a part of her complexity? Am I confused at what type of change he means?
Is she immature and childish? Flitting between little things of entertainment and chaos, but never wanting to actually change as a person? Therefore, fearing true change, and distracting herself from it by lots of 'change?'
Also, the chapter seems to have a fair amount of things that were a pretty obvious exposition.
But that's all just my two cents! Hope it helped!
The reviewers covered most of everything else, and the chapter was really well written so I have no grammatical or sentence structure grievances. I really liked that opening bit too, was fun. I am excited to see where this goes.
Thanks and keep writing
-Andrew
When I referenced change there, I meant in a personality way. Val changes his form and finds things boring, but he never changes his personality. So he is quite childish in that regard. Thank you for your review and I hope you stick around for some more chapters later!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
..but now that I've finally seen them let me try to review them one by one.
Hi! I reviewed the very first bit of it an never noticed the newer chapters...
First Impression: Well this was a pretty nice little first chapter. You've introduced a really fun protagonist whose personality shines through loud and clear in this very first chapter and that's always a really good thing. The setting is also pretty decently established right away so this is shaping up to be a really good start.
Anyway let's get right to it,
That's a beautiful description to start things off. Definitely does a pretty nice job of setting the stage for the scene to follow.
Well that certainly was a shock right there.
Oooh that's interesting.
Well I already like this character by this point.
Okay the fang like canines seem maybe just a bit on the nose there but still some great descriptions regarding the fire.
I think that last line was added mostly just for our benefit as the readers but okay, it doesn't feel too forced.
Well that is definitely a very interesting description.
And another great description that you've got here. Its starting to be maybe just a bit too much at this point. I mean these could easily be sprinkled throughout a couple of chapters rather than being rattled off here all at once because saying it all can make things sound a bit too rushed.
This seems like a question that should probably have been asked earlier and not just a random time but okay...plot's gotta plot I guess.
Well that is certainly is an interesting and very vague answer.
Her maturity can't be locked though can it? Once you age your maturity will naturally increase anyway.
Well that is definitely a very interesting character that you're building with Val over here.
Well that is definitely going to present some interesting character traits going forward. You've done a really good job with this main character of yours.
Oooh that's an interesting detail that you've chosen to leave in there.
Wow that is a really good choice for an ending line in this chapter. Now I can't wait until I read more and find out in more detail about what exactly is going on here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall it was a really nice chapter to read. I think I will definitely read more of it. I already really like Val's character. She certainly seems very interesting. So there really isn't much that I would suggest you change here...good job!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi, Lazuli! I'm here to review chapter 1 of your story. This is a great entry to the novel and I love how Val is so defensive about her feelings. So, here's the review!
This part was hilarious. I got really sucked into the description and then I saw the "Its way too boring" and I was completely caught off guard. I actually laughed, which I don't do often. I was just going to say that maybe the "I hated it" was unnecessary. If you do want to keep it maybe make them both in the same paragraph.
I don't know if this line is really necessary. It was a little bit confusing and hard to understand
One thing I would suggest is maybe mentioning Val's real name Valarian somewhere so the reader is aware of her full name.
I love this ending, its mysterious, suspenseful, and wraps the chapter up nicely.
I really like the premise of the novel and can't wait to dive more into the lore. Keep up the good work and happy writing!
-RadDog
Thank you so much for this review! I'm really glad you liked it so much and I hope you keep reading! As for Val's full name, it's mentioned a ton in the next chapter, so I didn't think I'd need it that much in this one.
Hi, Lazuli! I'm here for a quick review. This is really a beautifully created fantasy, it gives me an idea about the main characters. I love reading this and would love to read more of this.
As I said, I love reading this piece of a chapter, but I do have some suggestions about a few parts that made me confused. I might be the only one misunderstanding it, so if you wrote that way on purpose and you don't think the suggestions would be helpful I'd understand completely why you aren't willing to read this part.
Here we go for a quick dive into the cold icy water from Alaska!
"The urge to flick said hair out of said eyes was strong. I resisted with noble effort. “You’re one to talk,” I replied with a sneer, turning my own, much darker, gaze to the rest of his form"
"The urge to flick said hair out of said eyes was strong." I don't get this part, did you meant to write "sand" or "sad"? I'm a bit confused here, so I suggest you go over them and think in the reader's perspective.
"I replied with a sneer, turning my own, much darker, gaze to the rest of his form." I don't think you should use this much commas in a sentence when it isn't really much need. I suggest you write: "I replied with a sneer, turning my own much darker gaze to the rest of his form." Or if you have intentionally written that way you could use "and" replacing a few commas then, using three commas in one sentence.
I just feel sorry for you sometimes is all.
“He feels sorry for me, huh?” I mumbled. “One of us never changes, and the other is destined for a fate crueler than death and knows nothing of it. Between the two of us, I’d say you’re the one who needs pity the most, Fen.”
Isn't this Fen talking at this part: I just feel sorry for you sometimes is all.
You need a dialogue mart for this part if you meant to write Fen saying, "I just feel sorry for you sometimes is all."
That's all I could squeeze out from this beautiful and delicate writing of fantasy and adventure of some kind. I tried more than once reading this, but I can't find anything more you should polish other than colorful glitter from this lovely story.
You should always keep on writing! You can always start again even if you get stuck at that single part you should keep on trying!
Best wishes,
Chris
Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed this. As for your comments, the first thing was actually right. I meant to use 'said' in that form. You can use it in that form, but it's not usually used that way. And as for the other two, I made some changes that I hope makes it more clear for you!
Your welcome! Thank you for understanding!
Hello, Lezuli, back again for a review! This was an incredible chapter, finally introducing the main characters in the story. There was a lot more description and imagery, so I'll just get t it. Without further ado, I'll get started.
This was entirely great imagery here. How the grass swayed, how the wind blew, the marvelous blue horizon, the description of the tree. It is just very well done, props to you. Then how the last sentence pretty much wrapped up the personality of Valarian. With this imagery, I could actually imagine the scene in my head.
So Foxfire is a type of fire from foxes that can't hurt their own species, got it. Or wait, Fen's a wolf. So Foxfire can only hurt humans. Alright, makes sense. And I have to say it, but you probably already knew: Foxfire is a a mushroom. Anyone?
So far I'm liking the how contrast Val and Fin are. One's against humans and acts like a child, the other is more mature acting and understanding, I think. That's how it sounds like.
This literally foreshadowed their fate. It revealed what was ahead of them and told the reader what the next chapters would be like. Well, not really, only the ending.
So far, I haven't encountered many grammar mistakes, so good job! Everything was spot on and correct, or at least what I could see.
Anyways, that is all I had to say, but you should keep on writing!
With caution,
WaterSpout
Thanks for your review! I'm thrilled you liked it so much! I have more in store for the two of them, so I hope you keep reading. Actually, I did not know that foxfire was a mushroom, but I Googled it and it's pretty neat.
Yeah, it glows and stuff. But no problem, I will read on!