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In Filling the Space Between Us

by LeviLowe


To separate myself pore by pore

into your control (found)

squeezing

To the dyspnea and fermentation

becoming body (found)

needing

To break through and fuse together:

real satisfaction (found)

throughout.


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852 Reviews


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Sun Jan 28, 2018 4:13 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to review your poem.

So, it's great that you use really exacting scientific language, this elevates the piece a lot and prevents it from seeming stale even though what you're expressing isn't all that unique the way in which you do it is certainly unique.

Initially the line about "dyspnea and fermentation" might look like, "what, is this about mold" but on a closer look it's about two people being excited about each other. And could be read into as describing a physical romantic encounter, albeit using scientific terms. The rest of the poem follows describing this romantic encounter (which is maybe a metaphor for their broader relationship) in exacting scientific terms that are almost mechanical.

I'm not sure if this was purposeful but two thoughts come to me on how I interpret this poem. 1) I can read this poem as being almost like how people marvel at the solar system, these two partners are marveling in their love at a cellular and thus very intimate level.

On the other hand

2) I can read this poem as being devoid of emotion. I'm not sure it necessarily is intended to be read that way. But as I read through it, I'm wondering why these two people actually like each other or if it's just the physical aspect of their relationship that draws them. It's just so formulaic - need. fusion. satisfaction. - and does not strike me as either party being very emotionally invested. Although the very first line maybe hints at a more emotional side of the piece.

I would say as a critique that you might want to look for some areas to inject more emotion into the piece (even if it's done in scientific terms) to make the poem seem more personal, and give the reader more to connect to. Unless your intent is to just describe the mechanical, in which case you did a great job doing so!

I thought the form of this poem was great, the repetition of (found) and the alternative of longer and shorter lines in waves was interesting, and had a nice appearance on the page.

I hope to read more of your work in the future.

best,

alliyah

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284 Reviews


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Mon Jun 19, 2017 9:35 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Hello, LeviLowe!

I don't really have any comments for this except that this really doesn't qualify as a poem to me. There isn't a rhyme, meter, rhythm, or anything that makes this different from regular writing. Anyways, I don't want to take up your time with a needless comment, but maybe you should look up some ways to write poems. I feel like you could do free-verse.

~Ruby





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