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Sonnet For Lucia

by LeviLowe


In every occasion where our

Eyes are fixed on the other’s eyes,

Absolutely of inertia,

Mind ripples as of stoned water.

Iris a love-child between calm

Candescent coral and webs

Amidst an eggshell sclera, both

Space and matter swirling toward

Your event horizon so deep

That Light itself can’t resist you:

A visage perfecting angles

Communicating thoughtfulness

Like marble Renaissance artwork.

I’m cradled in your gaze, Amore. 


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291 Reviews


Points: 21474
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Tue Sep 15, 2020 11:00 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi there LeviLowe! I realize this work is a few years old and you may not see this review anytime soon, but I'm here regardless for Review Month!

Before I get into the review, I'd just like to point out that this isn't actually a sonnet - sonnets have a specific number of syllables in each line and use a rhyming scheme. I totally get that "Sonnet for" has a really poetic, romantic ring to it, but just something to keep in mind is that a reader will read this poem expecting a sonnet and be surprised when it isn't one!
(If you did intend for this to be a sonnet, here a couple great links on how to write them ~
Poetry 101: What Is a Sonnet?
And, if you're wanting to write a Shakespearean sonnet with Iambic Pentameter, here's a YWS article: How-To: Iambic Pentameter)

With that out of the way, I'm going to write this review ignoring the whole sonnet-business and touch on some other stuff like imagery and formatting!

I think you do a really great job at combining poetic imagery with more scientific language like "inertia", "sclera", and "event horizon". I also find it interesting that near the end you switch more "arty" terms like "marble" and "Amore". The transition was pretty smooth (angles -> geometry -> sculpture -> artwork is the sort of thought process I felt was going on), and I especially like how the phrase "stoned water" matches the later description of marble. I think it'd be great if you could incorporate more continuity using related language like that, for example, maybe a reference to something medieval so that we could see the progression into the Renaissance. (That's just an example, definitely use your own words/ideas!)

Usually I'd suggest using some stanzas, but I think this poem could work with or without stanzas, just with a slightly different effect. That's partially because the lines are fairly short, so they don't become intimidating, but also because there aren't any huge changes in thought. But if you do want to experiment with stanzas, you could consider something like what I've put in the spoiler below.

Spoiler! :
In every occasion where our

Eyes are fixed on the other’s eyes,

Absolutely of inertia,

Mind ripples as of stoned water.



Iris a love-child between calm

Candescent coral and webs

Amidst an eggshell sclera, both

Space and matter swirling toward

Your event horizon so deep

That Light itself can’t resist you:



A visage perfecting angles

Communicating thoughtfulness

Like marble Renaissance artwork.

I’m cradled in your gaze, Amore.


I think the main thought-change happens between the second and third stanzas in the above spoiler, and that's probably the main place that would be benefited by stanzas - but it does work well without, too, so up to you!

I find it interesting that you've chosen such a scientific / almost detached tone for a romantic poem about locking eyes with someone you love; it's definitely different than some poems about the same thing that are messy with emotions, if that makes sense. It makes the poem read almost like the narrator is in disbelief of how amazing looking their love in the eyes is -> and by using scientific language, they're trying to explain or justify how this could be. However towards the end, with the slight switch to artistic terms, it feels like the narrator has realized the magical gaze cannot be explained with science and it really is art.

So while sometimes I might suggest experimenting with a less formal style for this sort of subject, I think that would change the meaning of this poem significantly, and I like it how it is!

Overall, this was an interesting and enjoyable read! I hope (if you ever read this) it's useful, and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!

whatchamacallit


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Sun Jan 28, 2018 1:39 pm
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Bigote wrote a review...



This will be my first review ever. Do be gentle!

In every occasion where our

Eyes are fixed on the other’s eyes,


Every word in a poem should have a purpose. I think this could be phrased differently--more concise. I don't see the point of repeating "eyes" when you could easily word it differently. Just a thought.

Absolutely of inertia,

Mind ripples as of stoned water.


I understood this to mean stationary. Not too big on physics, but I'm assuming it's a decent fit? "As of" disrupts the flow. "As" would do just fine. "Like" seems slightly less fitting for your particular style, but it could work too.

I appreciate the use of rippling water to describe being in a trance (at least, that's what I got from it).

Iris a love-child between calm

Candescent coral and webs

Amidst an eggshell sclera,


I love how you described the shapes within the iris. I had a bit of a giggle picturing someone admiring a lady's sclera ("What a lovely shade of eggshell!") but kudos to you for zoning in on something different from "that smile" or "those deep orbs".

Space and matter swirling toward

Your event horizon so deep

That Light itself can’t resist you:


You just compared her eyes to a black hole and made it sound sweet. What a champ.
In all seriousness, I can see the resemblance in shape, now that you've pointed it out. Imagery is indeed your friend. You paint such a vivid picture, and though they're "just eyes," the subject never becomes stale. Well done.

A visage perfecting angles

Communicating thoughtfulness

Like marble Renaissance artwork.


You move on to her face as a whole, and it just doesn't fit. Especially as you return to talking about her gaze in the following line. This part doesn't do much for the benefit of the poem, I'm afraid.

I’m cradled in your gaze, Amore.


This is a weak conclusion to something so well built up. There's a steady rise in intensity as the poem reaches its core, then with the last four lines, it just...drops. Give us something powerful, raw--something that would take the reader's breath away. You have such a strong foundation, I'd hate to see it end with anything less than wonderful.

I also have to let you know, this isn't a sonnet. While it does have the required 14 lines, it's certainly lacking the rhyme scheme and rhythm of a true sonnet.

An Italian (Petrarchan) Sonnet would have 8 lines that rhyme abbaabba followed by 6 lines with a variation of rhyme schemes to choose from.

A Shakespearean Sonnet would be 3 quatrains (abab cdcd efef) followed by a couplet.

I think "ode" would be much more fitting.

Overall, I think you did a fine job. Keep writing!




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Mon Jun 19, 2017 5:43 pm
LeutnantSchweinehund wrote a review...



I'll review this now. Haven't reviewed for some time, so I'm rusty.

First off... Is it really a sonnet? If I remember correctly (which I may not), sonnets have a 3,4,3,4 structure (it may be 4,3,4,3, I don't recall). This doesn't really have a structure at all. But, this could be due to bad formatting. Site's got some infamously difficult formatting (still love it for what it is though), so maybe you had the structure, but it didn't carry over?

One thing I'd like to mention is the use of capitals at the beginning of lines. When you end a line with a comma, I believe the next line should stat with a lowercase letter. You're continuing a sentence, not starting a new one. Same applies for ending a line with no mark. Tell me if it isn't so, I'm really not certain here.

Now to the content itself! Well, it's certainly complex, so much so that I can't really understand the first half. My work is similar. Can't really complain. Still, I would have appreciated just a little more clarity. Doesn't mean stripping away the complexity, but I don't really understand the eyes relating to inertia very much.

Rhythm. Never forget rhythm. Because of the way this is written, I can't help but think that it'd be better as prose. A poem without some rhythm and melody is, after all, just prose in lines, especially if it doesn't rhyme either.

Overall, I like your choice of words (mostly), I like the references to physics (they seem to be accurate and used responsibly), and the point of it all is pretty nice too. So, if you were to make it more rhythmic, it'd be quite good!





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