I didn't realize how lonely I was until I became
surrounded by people
and each sound felt like it was coated in molasses
my mind became my worst enemy
whispering vain secrets until it obtained life
and all I want to do was blend in
capture the attention of foe and friend
my heart becomes audible through my skin
though I am hidden, I feel exposed
It amazes me how loud silence is
and I am lost and screaming and baring
my shaking limbs that life holds in its hands
Be still
the earth shakes but I can't feel it
the empty hasn't found its volume
the picture has been depicted
I haven't slept
but I swear I dreamt it
I didn't know how lonely it would feel until
I heard the owls
and the movements of the cars on wet pavements
It reminds me that I am small
Insignificant
I want to hide inside myself
I want to vanish
I want to forget it
Sometimes I ask myself
Is loneliness an escape from death?
I think it might be
because now I just sit in silence
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Hey friend.
You started pretty strong, running on lines like that is hardwork, but you did it and i had no doubt you will succed at that endeavour. Generally your poem is sweet, whether like honey or sugar, i can not tell. A sound, sounding as if "coated in molesses" is to straneous to imagine. And you left me wondering what "vain secrets" your mind was wispiring and how it "obtained life" (a full stop(.) would have looked cool at that piont. And typos spoiled this brooth. As a poem that is suppose to carry emotion, it fell short in "my heart became audible throuh my skin". A period(.) would have made "i feel afraid" look neat. All these mishaps plays continously throughout the poem, and its sad to see such a beauty in this state (but am sure you will take care of it). Among other things that spoilt this brooth is: weak diction, cliche phrase, annoying typos and poorly constructed enjambment. Please i will love to read this poem again, that is when you through editing. Thanks.
Tega
This is great - loved how packed full it was of metaphor and meaning. It could use more specific imagery and some of the line breaks could have been changed for more meaning in my opinion. Welcome to YWS, and keep up the good work!
Hello.
First of all,
"the empty hasn't found its volume"
Emptiness.
Sorry, for meaning business. The thing is, yes, I love your poem. Fabulous network of words and emotions and the great, great vibe of maudlin.
Great imagery, great description and it stirs the mind and heart. The poem feels the prelude to some great epic, it sounds great, when read aloud... Wonderful!
Another thing, the punctuation and the capitalization of the words will make your word even better.
Finally, WELCOME TO YWS!! Have fun and please, please, please share more works and keep writing better and better!!!!
Well first of all,
I hope you're getting around the site okay; you'll love it here! If you have any questions, feel free to ask me.
Okay, and I suppose I'll do the honors of giving you your first review on your first published work of YWS!
I do know that each writer has the freedom and poetic license to throw punctuation to the wind. But the transition into the next sentence, 'my mind became my worst enemy', doesn't flow too well. If you don't want to add a period, maybe consider making the first 'sentence' into a stanza?
Maybe consider adding a comma after 'blend in'?
I found this to be really powerful. It has lots of vivid imagery and the meaning makes an impact for sure. Great work on that! x
I think this would be cool if it was it's own '
Dreamt should be dreamed
Other than that, I thought your poem was really good!
I hope this helped a little.
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie