A part of life that will
always follow us, we can
never escape it’s cold embrace,
and no one can by their
way out of it.
It takes loved ones and will
cause great emotional grief,
it takes newborn, young, and old.
We never see it coming, but
it’s there until it takes us from
this world and puts us into
puts into the hands of our Lord.
I know I would never do poetry again unless forced to but I think I might try my hand at more before I give it up.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hmm.. You had some great depth to this poem and it had a lot of emotion in it, which was super and well constructed. I thought it flowed nicely, and it was easy to read, unlike some who make their poems complex on these kinds of subjects and therefore - dim people like me - cannot read them properly. =]
A bit of a depressing subject I must say though, I'm not really a fan of these - but that's just personal preference.
Proofread for mistkes; like the "by" mistake which I do blieve you meant "Buy" but that has already been outlined. Good work though.
Hahaha... that comment on the end is getting annoying.
Anyway! I like the other poem better because it has more pretty imagery. This one... seems to be telling us more about death and how it comes about than an actual description of death. So make sure that, even if you're writing a poem, you still have pretty imagery!
I'm pretty sure you meant 'buy' instead of 'by' in the fourth line. I'm not too keen on the comma in the second line and would consider taking it and the words following it out completely and maybe making 'escape' in the next line into 'escaping' The last line is short when compared to the rest of the stanza and it throws it off.
The main problem here is that there are too many syllables in each line, especially the second. In the third like I would take out either 'newborn' or 'young' (I'd suggest newborn) because they both say pretty much the same thing and it would take out many a syllable.
A few problems in the last two lines which are probably mechanical errors, remember to proof read before posting!
All and all, it's fine. It's not spectacular, there is nothing in it that makes me want to ever read it again, it's just fine. There is no rhythm at all throughout it's duration and no set stanza formation (S1=5 lines, S2=3 lines, S3=4 lines) so it's not really appealing to the ear or the mouth. There is little imagery and too many filler words in my opinion.
Happy Editing
WM