z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

A Lifetime (Chapter One)

by Lethargic


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

The morning sun found its way through the shutters of Evan McBride’s room, coming in like an intruder. The orange light of dawn would have been a welcome presence for many people, but Evan did not belong to that camp. The amber rays were an oppressive force to the young night owl.

Evil light beams versus a blanket shield wielded by an annoyed knight. And who won the battle? Gravity.

The poor teen landed on the floor with a loud thud. The poor kid ended up buried under his blanket on the tea-stained carpet. At least I’m awake now, he thought to himself. He got up and walked across the hall to the bathroom.

Evan got in the shower. He turned on the water, and immediately cursed at how hot it was. It was like lava was being flung at his scrawny body. When he turned the knob down, the water became freezing cold. This was a regular thing at the McBride household, much to Evan’s chagrin. On the bright side, at least our well water doesn’t have any parasites in it, right?

The teen proceeded to wash his straight, orange hair. He turned off the water and got out of the shower. He examined himself in the mirror. He sighed. At least those crossed eyes were unique, right?

Towel around his waist, Evan made his way back to his room to get ready for school. The boy got dressed as fast as he could. True to his fashion-loving nature, he wore only trendy pieces. The outfit he had chosen for his first day consisted of a pink button-up, a pair of khaki shorts, black knee socks with the rainbow flag printed on them, dark purple slip-ons, and a dark purple scrunchie on his wrist to bring it all together. He did some cheesy poses in the mirror and then cleaned his glasses. As soon as he was dressed, he heard a loud knock on his window.

Evan nearly had a heart attack, since he was so jumpy. Outside his window was a short, tan-skinned girl with black hair and a slit eyebrow. She looked to be of Eastern Asian descent. He sighed and let her in.

“Htee, what the hell are you doing?” Evan asked as the girl took off her backpack.

“I decided to make a house call,” Htee replied. Evan was at least a head taller than her. She scratched her head and opened her mouth to speak again. “My mom couldn’t drive me to school, so can I get a ride from you? Please?” Htee gave Evan puppy dog eyes.

Evan sighed and nodded. “I’m sure my grandma can take you. Why couldn’t Marie?”

“Marie has to take her sister to school,” Htee replied. “I wish she could have taken both of us, though, so we could all three go, like, together? Like in the movies? Like the mushy shit?”

“Htee, you’re weird,” Evan responded.

“Wow, so cruel,” Htee said. She hung her head low and began to let out comically loud “sobs”. Evan laughed. This routine never got old.

“Considering you just climbed in through my damned window, I think I’m reacting quite normally!” Evan exclaimed. “How did you even get onto the roof? It should be impossible for a while literal garden gnome to make it to such a height.”

“You’re bullying me! This is decriminalization!” Htee exclaimed, crossing her arms. She was wearing a cream sweater with navy blue stripes.

Evan began to laugh hysterically. Being the language buff he was, Htee’s mixing up words amused him. “You mean discrimination?” Evan asked.

Htee began to laugh. “Yeah,” she said.

“Anyways, we probably ought to go downstairs,” Evan said, trying to regain his composure.

Htee nodded. They proceeded to leave the room and descend the stairs.

Evan’s little sister, April, was sitting down on one of the living room chairs. She looked up from her phone. “When did Htee get here?”

“I climbed in through the window, just now,” Htee replied. The remark was filled with fake sass.

“You could have knocked,” Evan and April said in unison.

“Well, sometimes in life you have to take the long path!” Htee exclaimed.

April rolled her eyes. She didn’t understand her brother’s friends or their weird humor.

Evan sighed. “Wanna raid my fridge, Htee?”

Htee nodded and walked to the refrigerator at her usual snail’s pace.

“How do you feel about your first day of middle school?” Evan asked, trying to make conversation with his sister.

“I don’t care,” April replied, coldly. She was a girl of average height. Her hair was orange, though a few shades darker than her brother’s. Her face was host to many freckles as well, and her eyes were a soft blue.

Evan looked down. He didn’t know what April’s deal was.

“Thanks for the breakfast!” Htee said. Evan smiled at her, but still felt uneasy. It would have sounded crazy, but he felt like something was coming. He shook off the feeling.

An older woman walked in. She was in good health and in her mid-sixties at the very most. “Good morning, April, Evan, Htee,” the woman said. She was unfazed by the surprise visitor.

“Good morning, Grandma,” greeted Evan. “Do you think you could take Htee as well?”

“Of course!” Evan’s grandmother replied.

“Thanks, ma’am,” Htee said, bowing. Evan smiled. He was excited for his first day, now. Especially now that him and his two closest friends would all be going to the same school. Htee was starting her freshman year, Evan his sophomore year, and Marie her junior year. They only had one year together in middle school, and unfortunately only had two years all together in high school.

“But if we’re going, we ought to head out right now,” the old woman said. After a quick trip back upstairs to get backpacks, the three kids were all loaded up in the back of the car. Next stop: Jonathan E. Hubbard High School.

Evan sat in the front seat. The garage door opened at a turtle’s speed. The house’s rickety old garage doors hadn’t been updated since at least the eighties. Evan looked out the window. Golden fields of wheat expanded almost as far as the eye could see. The ancient blue van began its journey.

The McBride house was situated just barely out of town. The kids were silent as they drove past the empty fields and into Hubbard, which was very empty itself. It was a small town of one thousand people. Graduating classes were usually thirty-five, thirty-nine at the most. The school sat near the edge of the town. By the looks of it, Htee and Evan would be among the first to arrive out of the hundred or so students.

The duo hopped out of the car and onto the pavement. Evan looked at the school building. He swallowed a lump in his throat. “Let’s sit down till Marie gets here,” Evan said.

“Okay,” Htee said, immediately taking her backpack off and setting it to her side on the concrete bench. Evan sat down right next to her. Almost as if summoned, Marie’s dark red Toyota parked itself in front of the school. Marie got out. She was a shorter Hispanic girl with bleached blonde hair and meticulously put on makeup. She stepped onto the sidewalk, black ankle boots making a quiet clicking sound as she stepped forward.

“First day of school, bitches!” Marie exclaimed, not caring whether a teacher or administrator heard her or not. “What’s up with y’all?”

“We’re just chilling,” Evan said, happy to see the third member of their little group show up. “You’re early.”

“You know you shouldn’t get used to it,” Marie replied.

“I know, I know,” Evan replied. “You’re never early to anything.”

Marie sat down next to Htee, and the three carried on conversation. The trio was infamous around Hubbard. Anywhere they went, a loud ruckus was sure to follow. Htee was a classic case of having zero filter. Marie was a troublemaker with no regard to authority. And Evan? He was the school’s sole gay student and resident excitable germophobe. Some of the town’s inhabitants found their antics to be amusing and saw the three as an injection of liveliness into the sleepy community. Others hated them, finding their craziness annoying and citing them as the town’s number one source of noise pollution.

None of them acknowledged the bronze pick-up truck that had parked close to their bench. That is, until, the door slammed shut behind them. It caused Evan and Marie to jump up in the air, while Htee didn’t have much of a reaction. “You guys are too jumpy,” Htee remarked. The three teens all turned back to see what had caused the noise.

A guy with a slight tan and brown hair stepped out. None of the trio had ever seen him before. He looked to be about their age. No one ever moved into Hubbard, Kansas, so seeing a new kid was certainly an oddity.

“The fuck are you staring at?” the brown-haired guy asked, coldly.

“The fuck gives you the right to talk to us like that?” Marie snapped. Being the eldest, she was protective of her two younger friends. Htee just blinked, unfazed, while Evan nervously played with his orange hair. Everyone aside from Marie and the brown haired teen thought the aggressive exchange was pointless and awkward.

The school bell rang. Evan and his clique all got up and went to their respective classrooms.


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Sun Mar 22, 2020 7:35 pm
Lethargic says...



I’m about to edit the work to include suggestions made by the reviewers, so if you go back and read the reviews, some of them might be outdated as of the revision.




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Sun Mar 22, 2020 12:36 pm
Draculus wrote a review...



There must be at least one deadly needed phrase in my review:
I am waiting for the second chapter.
Is anything else needed? Well, I think I should say why I'm waiting and why I already like this story.
First, intrigue. The author made me want to know what's next, and things I imagine make me want to see the second chapter even more.
Second, the author has teenage humor included in the story. It makes everything much more interesting.
Third, characters are very much promising, I tend to believe they are going to have a nice adventure in their school.
Fourth, characters are teengers, and this is a certain sign of many funny and exciting things waiting for readers in the following chapters. Because teenagers do crazy things. And this is cool.
So, thank you for another good story in my life. Don't stop writing)

Sincerely yours,
Drak.




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Sun Mar 22, 2020 9:06 am
albedo says...



I'm really excited to see what you have in store. This chapter was great! :)




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Sat Mar 21, 2020 5:13 am
AndName wrote a review...



Hi!

This is a great start to the story! You establish the characters, their relationships, and other important details wonderfully. The POV is something you don't often see, usually YA is first person. This is like, third person omniscient which is definitely different. Through this POV you can show a lot but it can also comes across as distant, but it sounds really good how you wrote it!

So there was a few little things I noticed, all really easy to fix. The first was where Evan woke up and there was the sun vs. blanket which I really liked. The gravity part was unexpected and made me laugh but i'm still uncertain why he fell of the bed. Did he fall off the bed? You know, I think you could make it to where Htee (I love that name) wakes him up. I thought it was a little idealistic the timing she came in because he had JUST got finished getting dressed. And then after he tells her to go away, he'll take his shower and when he comes down later she could have already raided his fridge and even might be bothering his sister :).

The shower part seemed a little long for what it is. It reveals what he looks like and how he feels about his looks, so you could simply shorten the "He turned the water on..." Also, the well water parasite thing is a little off putting.

A lot of this has short sentences I noticed. Don't be afraid of the comma! The choppy sentences could easily be smoothed out like this part where they're opening the garage (Where I think could be an excellent place to insert some hectic dialogue instead of him silently looking at the fields)-

"As Even looked out at the familiar golden sea of wheat, the ancient blue van rattled on its journey."

That's a lot shorter than the original, but it gets the same information across in a more flowy way.

I think this is a very solid start to your book! :) I'm very curious about what you're gonna do with the brown haired guy and why he's so aggressive! Keep writing!

(And if I offend or cause any doubt please ignore me!)


AndName




Lethargic says...


The parasite bit was me trying to establish Evan as a germaphobe, but I think I should have added a few more details implying that detail of his character.



AndName says...


Oh, okay :) I didn't pick up on that and it seems like a great character trait so early on. I can't wait to see what you do with Chapter Two!



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Fri Mar 20, 2020 2:58 pm
unikittie says...



hello there. i really enjoyed the imagery that you used. keep up the hard work.




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Wed Mar 18, 2020 6:40 pm
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey there!!

I'll start my review by going through and seeing where I think you could improve this chapter :-)

The morning sun found its way through the shutters of Evan McBride’s room, coming in like an intruder.

So, I love the imagery here but I feel like it could be made into a sharper opening line to really grab the readers' attention. For example, "The morning sun shone into Evan McBride's like an intruder."

Evil light beams versus a blanket shield wielded by an annoyed knight. And who won the battle? Gravity.

I love this line!

he poor teen landed on the floor with a loud thud. Evan ended up buried under his blanket on the tea-stained carpet. At least I’m awake now, he thought to himself. He got up and walked across the hall to the bathroom.
Evan got in the shower. He turned on the water, and immediately cursed at how hot it was. It was like lava was being flung at his scrawny body. He turned the knob down, and then the water became freezing cold. This was a regular thing at the McBride household, much to Evan’s chagrin. On the bright side, at least their well water never had any parasites in it, right?
The teen proceeded to wash his straight, orange hair. He turned off the water and got out of the shower. He examined himself in the mirror. He sighed. At least those crossed eyes were unique, right?
Towel around his waist, Evan made his way back to his room to get ready for school. The boy got dressed as fast as he could. As soon as he was dressed, he heard a loud knock on his window.

Okay, you start A LOT of sentences here with 'he' and say 'evan' a lot too. You don't need to keep referring to him as Evan as so far he is the only character so we know it's him. Starting sentences with he over and over makes writing clunky and repetitive and can really take away from a good piece. A lot of your sentences are quite short and although this isn't a bad thing, long sentences can help move things along in a smoother way.

The two teens proceeded to leave the room and descend the stairs.

We know they are teens, so you can swap it out for 'they'

“I don’t care,” April replied, coldly. April was a girl of average height.

The second 'April' could be changed to 'she' as you've used her name too close together.

They only had one year all together in middle school, and unfortunately only had two years all together in high school.

You don't need the second 'all together' it's repetitive

The kids were silent as they drove past the empty fields and into Hubbard, which was very empty itself.

'Empty' is repetitive here.

[quote]
The school bell rang. Evan and his clique all got up and went to their respective classrooms. [/quote
This is a nice ending!

Okay, so, this is definitely something I would pick up and read if it were a book! I love things set in schools and that are about friendship groups!

However, I really think you need to get Evan's character across more. He doesn't really have a personality, Htee and Marie seem to more than him and he's the main character! I didn't feel any kind of way towards him, he just seemed like any old high school student. I'd love to see you introduce his personality right away, so the reader gets to know him from the start!

Your dialogue was nice, I could picture this playing out like a teen movie! A little more description would have been nice, as you seemed to just describe what they look like quite simply, which can be good but sometimes you need to give them depth by describing them in unique ways. I hope that makes sense!


Keep writing :-)




Lethargic says...


Thanks for such a long and thorough critique! I%u2019d actually been worrying that Evan was lacking in interesting characterization despite being the main character and taking up a lot of the chapter, so I ended up going and back and adding some details to try to make him as interesting and quirky as the other three leads. I%u2019m not too concerned if he isn%u2019t very interesting yet as it%u2019s the first chapter, but going back and reading it made me realize how much everyone else stole the spotlight. Again, thank you for reading and taking the time to give me such an in-depth critique! I hope that you keep supporting this novel as I continue to release chapters!



4revgreen says...


You're welcome. I really enjoyed this chapter, and I will definitely read any upcoming chapters! Evan has such potential to be an amazing protagonist!



Lethargic says...


I updated this post to include my recent revisions, most of which were to give Evan more characterization, as that was my biggest concern. Hopefully he feels more interesting and fleshed out now!



4revgreen says...


I'll read it when I have the chance :-)



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Life’s disappointments are harder to take if you don’t know any swear words.
— Bill Watterson