The river, amidst the wood near in the village, was clear as a diamond. The water with its cold ambiance that flowing from the hilltop allured me to wash my face. In front of me at a little distance, there was a cave where stridulation of insects came out, bringing a pleasant music to my ears. Filling the wood with composure, the fresh wind prompted me to stay. I was expecting for a miracle while washing my pensive face twice; after it I gazed, ruminating about my problem in life. Abruptly, someone tapped my back when I was about to stand up.
"Hey Romirr! There's a free health check up now in the village. I just come here to ask you about that. Do you have a plan to go?" He asked.
"No, I won't go. They will only laugh at me." I retorted.
"You always oppose to me, you forget I was the only one who took care of you when your parents left."
"And uncle, you guarded me when my only one best friend became my foe when I transformed like this," I added.
"I k-know, I know, anyway I can be your best friend."
"Ahhmm" (Clear throat)
"Romirr? If you don't want to go it's fine. Come with me in the car let's go back home."
The little chip in the windshield of the tattered car and its tires signified it was an old model. My uncle turned the side mirror of the car for he knew I hated it. When we were in the village, the people laughed at me when they saw my bad visage. I really loathed passing there, but my uncle soothed me even he knew their eyes really mutilated my heart. Outside the house, the bunch of flowers began to sing as they welcome us, and the air from the trees in the backyard annihilated my tiredness. Inside, all the mirrors were covered by white clothes, every side of the walls were full of webs, the house was like haunted. Uncle walked towards the kitchen to cook something, but I laid down on the sofa that made me fell asleep. When I woke up in the dead of night, my uncle was gone, fretting because he didn't yet back home. In the next daybreak, the sudden hollow echo of knock came into the door, I opened the door and saw my uncle.
"What happened to you? Where have you been?" I inquired but he snubbed me.
"Please answer my questions." I snapped.
"Are you bastard? You ugly person don't see that I'm drunk!?! Just ignore me if I got drunk. You! you are ugly! your face and body have Eczema! Later on my intoxication will be gone because it's only temporary. But you! you're still ugly forever!" He divulged.
When I began to weep, he began to laugh. His remark made my tears screaming, asking for a comfort from anyone.
"Are you crying because of my words? You do not belong to my house please go away from my sight!!"
His last words induced me to run outside the house over the wood. I cried and realized that nobody loves me, even my uncle. They hated me. They hated my disease. They didn't want to see my face. Beneath the yolk-yellow sun, I was running to the river, silence was with me when I went there. The animate beings below the water were ready to embrace my glum soul. Tears falling down to the water, I saw myself -- the reflection of my face and my body which had the disease Eczema, realizing mirror was my only best friend because when I cried, it never laughed.
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141,343 Literary Works • 674,360 Reviews
Hi Lesdenore,
First of all, you should read your short story. It has great potential but, there is still a ton of work to be done. Some ideas are not well understood. Try to make them clearer. I would suggest reading it out loud. I never knew this kid had Eczema until the last part. Try to talk a little about that at the start. How does he look? Another thing is that you should do is talk about how the characters look. Just for the readers pleasure. In my opinion, the reader also needs information about his personality. Try to make it subtle, though. For example, in the way he talks. Is he a goody or is he the type of kid that snaps back? I need character traits, in order to root for the main character. Should I dislike his "uncle"? I should have more information about him too. Try to focus a bit more on why the bullying. Anyways, I really liked this short story even if it's a sad one.
EmmaEaton
Hi thank you for the review. I understand what you said there, but I want to know where are the ideas that is 'not well understood?' It would be a pleasure to me if you will address them. Plz take some time to reply. Thank you.
I really like the story.It is really sad that you are talking about a person with problems who is not understood by others because he is different.Many people hate each their own selves because they find something bad in their looks or other.The irony of the mirror is well thought of also.His only friend and biggest enemy is the mirror.Even if he does not want to admit it.I like that you do not rush with anything witch is seen a lot in short stories and it is becoming a cliché. Anyways,I did not find any grammar or punctuation mistakes.
"..because when I cried, it never laughed."
I love this line which is the last one also.It expresses all the thoughts and feelongs in the end.
Overall good job.Maybe only one thing that I want to ask:
"On the side of it, my uncle turned the mirror for he knew I hated it"
Maybe I did not get it but it makes no sense(tho I understand it in text).
Keep on writing!
I noticed you're the top most reviewer here. Hehe.. Anyway, it is "On the side of the car,..." I made a little changes. Thank you for the review.
You are welcome.