Harris Tenning, a normal 30 year old office worker, woke up on a dull and grey Monday morning to find himself facing another week of work. He didn’t mind going to office; his boss was always bouncy and cheerful, and his colleagues were always greeting each other and talking animatedly during breaks. What he did mind, however, was the amount of paperwork he had to do.
He glanced at the clock on his bedside table and, realizing he had woken up an hour earlier than usual, he took his time and got dressed for work. He picked up his briefcase and walked into the kitchen to find that his wife had already left for work but had kept a plate of eggs and toast ready for him to eat, along with a glass of orange juice. He took his time and ate slowly, enjoying the taste of food and wishing he could stay home for the day. But, knowing he couldn’t, he continued eating and then made his way out of the apartment, into the elevator and down to the parking area.
He unlocked his car and jumped in, starting up the engine. He backed out of the parking area, onto the road and began driving in the direction of his workplace.
He felt happy now that he’d eaten a healthy breakfast and drove faster, eager to reach office and discuss the latest football match with his colleagues until his boss came told them to get to work. He was completely unaware, however, of the fact that he had forgotten to put on his seatbelt.
He drove faster, on and on, also oblivious to the fact that he was speeding. Before he knew it, he had crashed into a huge red truck, and another car came crashing into his from behind. The windscreen of his car shattered and shards of glass fell on him. He felt something flowing down the side of his face and touched it, only to realize that it was blood. A sharp pain in his shoulder made him scream out loud, and he found his eyes swimming with tears. He lay there, for how long he didn’t know. But he did know that he was eventually rescued, and that his injuries were not too serious. And from that day, he also knew he would be more careful on the road, no matter how happy he was.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,742 Reviews
So here I am,
Your story is quite solid, short and light even for a subject like this. I like how it just skips from one part to the next. The flow of this story is good.
I don't have much to say about the first two stanzas.
The third, perhaps does need some attention. I would rephrase it to :
He unlocked his car, jumped in, started the engine and backed out of the parking area onto the road to his workplace.
This way you basically tell the same, but keep the story flowing, which, to me, it fails to do now.
in the fourth you've got this line: eager to reach office and discuss the latest football match with his colleagues until his boss came told them to get to work.
You shift tenses here, so I would change it to: eager to reach the office and discuss the latest football match with his colleagues until his boss comes in to tell them to get back to work.
I haven't got much to say about the last stanza. What I do think, however, is that this story would do a better job if it was written in the present tense. It would keep the light-weighted feeling you have going on right now, but the ending would come even more more across.
Remember that these are just suggestions formed by opinion to a story that is already quite good.
I hope it helps
-Metalmauzen
Thanks for the review! Yeah, the third paragraph was divided into sentences because there was a word limit and I needed to reach that limit. xD
Thanks, though!
~Lemony