Marie. My wonderful, smart, lively Marie. I couldn't understand how this had begun, or what had fueled her depression. But every passing day added to her sorrow. Everyday she would push away plates of food, and remain irritable. I would find her lying in bed at night, sobbing silently. She began talking about suicide. It was then that I realized what the problem was. I tried to take her to see a professional, but she was stubborn. She refused to tell me what had happened. I should have understood that this day would come.
It was the evening of our third anniversary. We were watching a movie, and she excused herself to go to the washroom. I had found her with a bottle of bleach in hand the week before, so I followed her to make sure she didn't do anything rash again. I found her on the terrace, standing a few steps away from the ledge with her back turned to me. Fear began to seep into my heart. She turned when I called her name.
And she was gone.
x-x-x
I wrote this today, on the way to Budapest. In my opinion, it's an awful cliche and lacks substance. That's one of the reasons I posted it. Another is that I just have way too many points. xD It originally had more dialogue but I decided to change that part of it. Shred it to pieces, please. :3
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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi, I truly enjoyed this piece.
It is very easy to read, and even though a bit of cliche, it's emotional.
While reading I could feel Hal's sanity which made Marie's death both peaceful and disturbing. In other words - I noticed a contrast between Marie (unsettled, disturbed, weak) and Hal (sure of his strong love) which arouses nothing more than sadness and pity.
Also I admire your capitalization consistency throughout this story.
Well-written.
Holy...moly...That was simply beautiful and touching. I felt as though I can relate to that very much. I felt like Marie during this story and it reminded me how strong I was. So, I thank you for that. It was very well written and one of my favorite reads by far. Bravo. However...
Watch for overused words in your story such as...
-could ... remove about 5 occurances
-it/there ... remove about 2 occurances
-just/then ... remove about 1 occurance
-that ... remove about 5 occurances
& -was/were ... remove about 12 occurances
Although at the end you said it was cliched, I strongly disagree. There was no cliche or redundancies in my opinion. If anything, everyone elses is a cliche of this story.
There were no spelling or grammar mistakes in your story that I could find.
Your average sentence length is 11.2. You have perfect sentence variation.
Avoid using vague words such as...
-would
-anything
-it was
-about
-like
-slowly
-some
& -feel
You have great spelling and capitalization consistency throughout this story.
Overall, I think you did a fantastic job aside from the few technical aspects that I pointed out. I wouldn't worry about them too much though, because it is well written just the way it is. Keep up the good work!
what had fueled her
with a bottle of bleach in hand
I actually quite enjoyed this piece, despite how cliche it is. I understand that you didn't spend much time writing it, and that shows in the pacing of the story, the first paragraph should be stretched out and filled in with detail, highlighting more specific problems with Marie, and overall throughout the story I found pacing an issue. Other than the obvious problems of pacing, I can't find much to complain about :')
There's just one grammar mistake I noticed:
"what had fueled her" should read "what had fuelled her".
Other than those few things, I don't see much wrong. Again, pacing really let the story down as it went by so fast, but other than that it was pretty decent.
All the best, and if you have any questions, queries or comments on this review, just send a message my way
Oops, apologies for the top 2 lines of this review, I meant to delete them xD