Eyes, red and tired,
Body, awake and shaking.
My cravings lure me to a blade,
But this bed won't let me go.
It wraps around me, a warm hug, my only friend,
It’s begging me to stay,
Helps me think straight.
And when the thoughts exhaust me,
It lets me let go of them and wander,
But I know I'll eventually have to leave it again.
Face them:
Parents,
“Friends,”
Bullies,
Everyone,
Myself.
***
I'll walk with a false courage,
Trying to convince the random,
"I really don't care what you think."
But I really do.
Look a little closer:
I'm on the edge, so fragile...
So weak and just a glance will break me...
Can't see it?
Don't believe me?
“I'm perfectly fine,” and a small smile to prove it.
Good enough for you.
But...
***
I'm actually screaming in pain.
It's only when I really shatter it shows,
And when I crumble
Everything falls away;
I go numb.
I need to get back to the surface!
Before I get to deep!
The blade will wake me up!
Yes, the blade…
***
No.
Ignore the cravings.
I take out my headphones.
They hug my ears.
I believe I have another friend!
They sing to me…
Sing words I understand,
Slowly bring me back up,
Slowly curing the crave.
But it lingers…
***
I listen to the words,
They slosh around.
I believe them all,
I let them pierce me.
***
"Why is your music so demonic?"
"How come no one heard her when she said, maybe I'm better off dead!"
"Why are you so emo? "
"All the anger inside! I feel like Jekyll and Hyde!"
"You're such a freak!"
"I know you lay in bed, contemplating your own death… "
***
I know I do, I know I am,
I'm fat = I'll satisfy you, I stopped eating
I'm ugly = I'll satisfy you, I'll look down so you can't see my face
I'm weird = I'll satisfy you, I won't talk to you anymore
I'm emo = I can't satisfy you I'm sorry
My music is demonic = I--
I play it too loud = sorry, I--
I'm a freak = but I'm tryi--!
I don't eat enough = *retches from overeating too fast*
I'm short = It’s not my--
Depressed = I can’t he--
Stupid = I studie--
Idiot = I'm just exhau--
Faggot = Well, I'm --
Bitch = Plea--
Kill yourself = …
***
I'm sorry!
I can't be who you want me to.
You want me to kill myself,
I tried but I'm scared.
No,
I'm paranoid
and it's getting stronger.
I'm sorry.
I push you away.
I have too.
I can't.
I know because you say it all the time.
You say it the most out of everything that is said.
You say it through other people,
You say it through my family’s eyes,
you even whisper it in my ear where only I can hear.
I will never accomplish anything
I will never be enough.
Aren't I just a waste of space and time?
Oh wait--
I've heard that one too much too.
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