County or Kingdom? chapter 1- The Dream and The Awakening.

by LemisaLeaZeor

Published February 19, 2014

12+ Violence

In County or Kingdom?

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The Dream.

Pulling the chopsticks from her hair, she allowed it to cascade down her back; landing neatly around her waist. The chopsticks were engraved with a sentence each. On one it said " Deaths dawn, life's twilight..." Then on the other it said " The key to the heavens gate and to the darkness that ascends around us..."

She strolled through the burning village, ignoring the fact that its people were in need of help. Though she could not help. She was the source of the destruction.

The woman wore a cloak made of the finest silk. Though it seemed untouched as she made her way through the flaming fields and the fallen cottages. In one hand a black sword appeared-it was once a chopstick she held her hair together with, as for the other hand held a white sword- the second chopstick. She had powers beyond your imagination, something she used for pure evil. Though she never used to be like this, she was now something she had despised.

Many villagers begged for mercy and prayed to their Lord for guidance in these traitorous times.

There crops were burned to ash and their homes were burned into the remainings of timber.

The swords sharpened as so they could slit a poor mans arm or to cut a rich woman's leg. The light from the flames reflected of the tip of the swords. Blinding the nearest man that caught his eye with it.

She stopped in her path, bending down to face an elderly man; he was held in place by chains that clinked together as he shook in fear. Her swords come nearer to the man's face as she whispered hauntingly into his ear, " Where is Aurora Frost, you foolish County*?" Hissing threats made it harder for him to answer. "What...what are you talking about....I don't know an Aurora Frost?" He stammered. The woman was not pleased, she knew the child had been here, she could smell her scent. The fresh, ocean scent . The power the child possessed was too powerful to let run around in this isolated village. Not just that, how did nobody noticed she was a Kingdom as she hung among the County?

"You must be lying and people that lie MUST be punished!" She raised her black sword high for everyone to see.

" please, oh, please. I beg of you-" It was too late, she swung her sword. Directing it to the poor man in the heart. Expecting to here a final cry, she heard none what so ever. A barrier had appeared around the defenceless man to guard him from the blow. He whimpered as he expected great pain; but gradually looked up to find his life was to live on. Praise his hero and let them live on as they had done for him.

The woman was furious as to find the Priestess standing before her. She wore the traditional clothing of a respectable wife to a priest. Her dark hair tied in small braids. The Priestess had her hand out from summoning a barrier to protect her fellow village men.

"The child," she said to the woman,"is not here, as for she has been guided to safety. Now leave us, you witch! And NEVER come back!"

The crowd of the injured cried in victory, as their enemy had been defeated.

"I'll leave here, priestess, but when I'll have the child you will regret this!"

With a twirl of her cloak, her body evaporated into the air. Leaving behind her black and silver dust that floated around in the soft breeze, soon landing onto the broken floor.

She was next found reappearing in the middle of a crowded forest. The rain thundering down onto the muddy floor.

"Aurora Frost," she cursed," I will find you."

The Awakening.

I woke up with a start. That dream. Again.

Who was Aurora Frost? I kind of recognised the woman in my dream, but who was she?

I rubbed my head and stretched my arms. Yawning, I got up. Examining my dorm room, I noticed morning sunshine had appeared through the closed curtains. What time was it? My alarm clock showed that it was 6:30 in the morning. Ah, it was too early. I flopped back on to my bed, bouncing up and down until it settled. I let out a huge sigh. There was something I was supposed to remember! Was it someone's birthday? Was it a school day? No. Oh well then ,back to sleep.

Sheep, counting, lost count, start again. What was this MATHS!?

I couldn't have been asleep for long as I was woken by a loud crash and bang. From me. My best friend( Mailice Evergreen) thought it was smart to roll me out of bed, instead of just politely asking me to wake up. Yes. I know Mailice ,I probably wouldn't have woken up anyway.

Before I carry on any further, I'd like to introduce myself.

I'm Marina Marvish. I'm twelve years old. My eye colour is blue and my hair is chocolate brown. I am 160 cm tall( yes I am that tall, don't laugh, 'coz it's not funny).

Mailice Evergreen is twelve as well. Her eye colour is green and her hair is a chestnut brown colour. She's 145 cm tall. Very tiny compared to me ,who's a giant. Obviously,not literally, of course. Though there is something else, but I can't quite remember what it is...

(Are you a County or a Kingdom?

Thanks for reading the first chapter of my story.)

*County same as Kingdom, in this world they are the two blood types. County meaning a person who has had no magic in their bloodline. The Kingdom being the opposite. A person that has pure magic in their bloodline. Further on in the story will apply more detail to the topic.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
deletedaug23
Review
deletedaug23 wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2014

Hey, LemisaLeaZeor, Strange here of the Majestic Icicles and I have a review for you!
This is a very suspenseful start to your story. It honestly made me think of one of those teenagers movies like Percy Jackson where the character will eventually find out something and she finds out she's the chosen one or something. I usually don't like those, but there is some weird thing that actually made me smile. I guess it was what I was imagining.
Now, a few problems I have about this. The parentheses, I honestly don't think they should be used, but It seems like you have to use them. That and you would space after the , and make it touch the next word. Try to make it touch the word it comes after.
I am awaiting the second chapter as this sounds very very exciting
Overall, great job
Strange gives you...
8.9/10
Good job
Keep writing
Stay groovy, you red writing hood

Oh, geez, thanks. I didn't think it was that good. Thanks. And, hey, don't be a hater of Percy Jackson 'coz Annabeth and Percy end up together and that's a good thing.
Stay cool icicle.

User avatar
Christina
Review
Christina wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2014

Hello,

This is a great start to your story.

"Though she could not do so, as she was the one who created the danger and the great risk to many villagers lives.' - this seems a bit long. Maybe you could shorten it and change it to something like 'She was responsible for all the destruction and suffering.' Also, you could describe how she feels about it (does she feel pity, does she care at all, etc).

'There crops were burned to ash and their homes were burned into the remaining a of timber.' - 'There' at the beginning of the sentence is spelt wrong but it is only a small error.

'The swords sharpened as so they can slit a poor mans arm or to cut a rich woman's leg. The light from the flames reflected of the tip of the swords. Blinding the nearest man that caught his eye with it.' - in the first sentence maybe you could put the word 'were' between 'swords' and 'sharpened'. Also an apostrophe should be used in 'mans'. In the second sentence 'of' should be spelt 'off'. At the end of that sentence the full stop should be a comma. That sentence might sound better as something like ' The light from the flames reflected off the tip of the swords, blinding the nearest person.' But it's just a suggestion.

I think you just need to go back over this and check some of your spelling and punctuation.

I enjoyed reading this chapter, and I hope my review is helpful.

Thanks. Yes it was very helpful, once again thanks. :D

User avatar
LemisaLeaZeor
Comment
LemisaLeaZeor commented Comment · Feb 19, 2014

The first sentence kind of doesn't make sense. I meant that her hair cascaded down her back, not the chopsticks. Lol. I hope you're not confused by that.



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