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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Among Shattered Stars, I May Fall.

by LemisaLeaZeor


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 1- Marcoletta. 

"And in a world of lost hope, nothing could be more powerful than a wish."

---

Time on the Satellite wasn't created surrounding the rising and setting of any Sun, since no one really could've been bothered to calculate such a man made thing. The clock went tick, tick, tick as the golden light on the far wall went bleep, bleep, bleep- a new wish was arriving. Marcoletta skidded across the board room on a wheelie chair to reach the delivery tube in time. A slither of golden thread came winding out the end and joining a hovering line of fellow threads. The clock went tick tick tick.

The room hummed with the whisperings of collected dreams; a thread from the beginning of the queue inserted itself under a magnifier. The owner of the magnifier, Neddie, listened to the whisperings carefully through the designated headphones. All types of wishes were expected to be made, only to match the many types of people all over Earth: Jealous people wished for competition to disappear, happy people wished for things to stay the same, and sometimes sad people wished to meet death like they were meeting an old friend- with slight uncertainty but ending with no regrets. Annually, candle wishes poured in through the tubes like little flickers of fire, all whispering childish dreams: "I'd like a pony","I want to be very very good at singing","I'd like to stay with him forever, please..." All the smallest of wishes brought small smiles to the watchmen and women.

The clock went tick, tick, tick as Neddie pushed her headphones down to rest around her neck like a sleeping cat, sighing. Finger sliding wish details into the "Not Ever" list- that was about the fifth added wish that sunrise.

Marco had finally been given Ordering access to the shivering slither. Headphones on. The muffled noise amplified to become clearer. As she listened for the noise to correct itself, her dreamy gaze flicked up to admire the Sun's Ray pouring off the edge of the planet Earth. Not even a light year away yet it seemed like it would take a lifetime and infinity to reach the rocky globe. However she only had a few seconds to admire the object before the light began to strain on her eyes, Marco looked back down at the shimmering strand, but blotches of colours ruined her vision.

Wishes were fascinating existences. There were three main types: Candle wishes, Eyelash wishes, and, the most beautiful, 'Wish Upon A Star' wish. She began to twirl a lock of her hair around her finger, as she hummed to herself. The wish taking a little longer to unravel. Maybe it was a major wish. A kind of wish that could make people gleam or scream or fly or cry.

"I'd like a cat for my birthday" and the sound of someone gently blowing the eyelash away was heard before the recording stopped and replayed: "I'd like a cat for my birthday." She pressed her fingers against the temples of her head, scrunching her nose up in a disappointment. Of course one shouldn't expect much from an Eyelash wish. One also shouldn't be so affected by wishes as their only duty is to organise. Her thumb pressed down on the screen where the tab for the wish was. The section containing a little animated cat prancing around the box. For a moment, she almost habitually swiped the tab into the "Maybe Never" list, yet cheekily added it to the "Probably Forever" list. She could only hope Mother Cygnus didn't think she was attempting to mock the system.

Chapter 2- Never Shatter.

"They say that the very first star was born from a lion's roar. The newborn planets and sister stars were spread across an expanding galaxy by a bird's great wings, and Gravity was primarily brought to life by a wish wanting order- almost nearing absolute perfection."

---

Strapped into the Satellite's uniform, Marco, along with a group of others from her House, were being rushed along from the Board Room through a series of corridors, down flights of stairs as they made their way to the centre of the Satellite.

Marco scrunched the ends of her dark skirt into her fists- not really caring that the fabric would crease heavily. Whilst others fiddled with their black ties, or adjusted their waist-length cape.

Marco's cape brushed against the hair on her arms. Goosebumps were like freckles running across her arms as she gave a little shiver. It wasn't necessarily cold but she was making her way to the weekly Assembly- absence to which was heavily frowned upon. And it was run by Father Alec: The Head of the place which had been her home since she was three years old.

Her hands suddenly grew clammy from anxiety.

A warm hand grazed her shoulder. She had to look up to see the handsome face of her best friend. Teddy's blonde hair was actually brushed back for once, whereas he'd normally just leave it to be wild. He smiled a comforting smile down at Marco who smiled back. But then in worry of being scolded by a Mother or Father for stepping out of line, she turned around to see if anyone had been bothered- her little smile diminished. Looking at the faces of those behind her, it was obvious she wasn't the only one to be afraid. But then she saw the frowning face of Mona, another one of Marco's good friends. She flinched at the unusually harsh stare. Mona raised her eyebrows at her, as if to say Talking to Teddy again. She knew she wasn't meant to be seen talking to him- especially as he was of the opposite sex. Marco opened her mouth to speak, instead her teeth clamped down onto her bottom lip. Before turning away from Mona, Marco read her lips as she mouthed Chastity or not?

Marco's eyes widened and she mouthed back Chastity. Always.

One of the Seven Heavenly Virtues godparents obeyed religiously.

Teddy poked her cheek to make her turn back around before she could walk into anyone. Like always, he was still smiling despite the scolding he would receive later from Mona. Delicate dimples appeared on his cheeks which only added volume to the good looks he had inherited. Marco had always wished for dimples.

"Hey." His voice was close to a whisper.

"H-hey you. What are you doing here? Go back to your House's line."

Whilst Marco's cape was a Royal purple- the colour for House Cygnus- Teddy's cape was dyed a rich royal blue- symbol of House Ursa Minor.

He had to lean in close to hear what she was saying, smirking a little at her obedience. Though the Mothers and Fathers has demanded there be silence, an air of quiet chatter still went on among the crowd.

"Maybe I want to find a warmer place to call home."

"Hey, we're not even supposed to be talking. You know that. Maybe I'd excuse Sunn. Maybe you should stay away from the flirt. He's not such a great influence, you know."

"I know that you try too hard to be a good girl, Marco dear." Teddy said.

From the lack of distance, a Cygnus girl behind the pair squealed. A dainty hand covering her mouth, though not quite covering the horrid blush that had appeared across her face. One look at Teddy's dimples as he turned to grin at her and the girl found a sudden interest in her shoes.

Marco huffed. They were nearing the end of the corridor which opened up into the Temple. With a childish punch to Teddy's shoulder, he understood it was time to go back to his line.

The Grand Temple rested snuck in the very centre of the satellite, forming a dome shape within the ship's interior- the tallest room at thirty metres tall. Though calling it Grand wasn't exactly accurate. It was a basic version, compared to those rumoured to be down on Earth. It had its rows of pews like every other, even the stage at the front with the podium Father Alec would stand by; however, it didn't contain the fancy decoration of glass replicas of the planets along the high ceiling. Instead there were hundreds of stars- really just cheap shards of glass- scattered across the navy background. The shards were blinding if the candles dotted across the Temple's walls hit at a certain angle. It had happened to Marco once and it left colourful splashes in her eyes, until the point it became really annoying and she had tripped over her own feet. The poor girl had a graze on her knees for days.

Marco nibbled on her lip with wonder. She loved the fake stars, though always contained the suggestion of having a skylight instead. They were out in Space after all. There wasn't much light pollution to hide the distant stars behind its veil, unless the Sun happened to get in the way.

Glittering gold, numerous lamps were pinned across the four long walls all being dimly lit like matchsticks. Even they were capable of setting her world on fire.

XXX

Marco shuffled in the uncomfortable oak of the benches and strained her eyes across the rows of people until the small figure of Father Alec Alaister grew brighter. In a black suit, he looked more like he was attending the funeral of a fellow Father or Mother rather than a weekly assembly where the honouring of our great Gods took place. Like most of the Fathers with their grey streaks of thinning hair, Father Alec's was deceivingly dark despite the wrinkles combed around his eyes and layering his forehead. His eyes shone as if a holy flame filled the holes normally home to eyeballs and eyelids were pulled into thin strips as if he were some sort of snake. Placing rough palms against the side of the ancient podium (runes scratched into its wooden surface) it was a silent indication for the room to deafen their murmurs and shuffles. Alec tried his best to appear Fatherly- the strongly religious kind. A made-an-oath-to-serve-the-Satellite-and-its-beliefs-for-life kind. A dangerous kind, rather than paternal.

XXX

When Marco was 11, in the Satellite Nursery, her eldest friend, Sunn (only just hitting a year older than the rest) told the group of youngsters about Father Alec.

"Haven't you heard the moans from down the chambers?" Marco could only blink in confusion- she was always in bed and asleep with a teddy bear by 7:30pm.

"Wh-why? Is Father okay at night?"

Unlike the other children Marco was the only one who bothered to show true concern for the old man- how Kind. Sunn only smirked then snorted uncontrollably. Being the eldest, he deemed himself suitable to be the group's teacher. Though his lessons were only full of the dirty stuff.

Before answering, Sunn blushed: red creeping across his face like a new dawn. "Well, I'd think the Concubines would be in more pain than Alec-" Sunn seemed to be the only one who used the Head Father's first name freely.

"Especially if it was their First Time."

A chubby 10-year old cowered at the back of the small crowd, flinching whenever the name Alec passed. Barnaby was one of the newest recruits onboard the Satellite. Apparently it took a while for him to get onto the pickup jet- his wealthy parents hadn't quite told him about the job he was meant to uptake. Training for it started at 13, but most made their home at the Satellite in the Nursery from 10 up as to program their minds into following the new routines. Barnaby hugged his little legs, one of the denim straps of his dungarees slipping down his shoulder, yet that didn't really bother him as he buried his face into the back of his bear.

Teddy, fuming from a losing battle of whether Marco should learn about what Alec was up to in his spare time, pointed a little finger at Barnaby. "Ben Bee agrees with me!" Teddy was frowning- his little blonde eyebrows pulled together, his forehead creasing with frustration.

A Chubby Barnaby's eyes flickered up to Teddy's finger wanting to push it away; instead burying his face deeper into his bear. "Tedmond, my name isn't Ben Bee. It's-"

A poof of blonde hair overtook Barnaby's sight and he blushed as Marco's smile was meant for him. "It's Barnaby."

Her smile was warm.

Warm like the sight of a distant star after a day of storms. Barnaby nodded.

XXX

Not daring to turn around to find Mona or Teddy or even Sunn for comfort, Marco stood up a little straighter, pressed her shoulders back then wiggled her nose and eyebrows as a final stretch before she painted on her serious face. Assembly only lasted an hour once a week and the prayers that were normally said were bold in her mind.

Father Alec started, his aging voice low like a bass: "May we vow to never shatter the stars." She stifled a shiver. She whispered along. "Not even a fraction of a slight splinter. May the flame that light all candles never extinguish. May acid never diminish the little eyelashes like a splint to fire."

Marco took a slight deep breath. She could almost swear her eyelashes stung her eyelids at that line every time. Father Alec now had his arms raised high as if he were welcoming some other-worldly being.

"May we vow to never shatter the stars, otherwise our existence as Godmothers and Fathers would be deemed as a failure towards the people of the Blue Crystal."

Marco exhaled. The noise earning her a harsh glare from Barnaby who sat beside her. (His attitude obviously hadn't survived puberty through the safe passage. It had stumbled out gurgling sewage, and spat at whoever came too close.)

Marking the end of the Father's beginning prayer, the whole Temple joined in for the final chant. "Kindness, Humility, Abstinence, Liberality, Diligence, Chastity and Patience."

The Seven Heavenly Virtues. A set of seven laws all Godparents had to live by. For the rest of the afternoon Assembly, not once were the Seven Deadly Sins ever mentioned.

And why should they have been?


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65 Reviews


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Reviews: 65

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Sun Nov 27, 2016 4:41 pm
occymay wrote a review...



Hello!

This piece was very interesting though I did get a little confused at points but that is easy to correct :) Also really loved your title, it sounds so cool :D

Positives-
I liked the idea of this piece, it feels as if there was a lot of thought put into it. For example your mention of the seven heavenly virtues, I had no idea that existed, the only ones I know were the seven deadly sins, they're much more common. I liked that I got to learn something which is always good for me. I also think that you had a very good start and end to this piece, they were both very strong. Keep that up because it can make all the difference to the way the story sounds. I liked the fact that you included a flashback in the second chapter, as it really helped to show more characterisation and explanation of other characters mentioned. This helped to keep me in the loop because you have many characters who are briefly mentioned, which can be confusing.

Improvements-
There are some parts, like I mentioned before, which did confuse me slightly. For example, at the beginning it wasn't the main character who was first mentioned which made it difficult to realise Marco was meant to be the main character. Though that is my own personal opinion and I do get confused easily. I also felt that sometimes it got confusing because you were giving us so much information it was hard to take in. I think this can be easily solved by adding more description, either of the characters or their surroundings. This will help to just break it up a little bit and not make it so heavy.

Overall, a good piece that could be made better with a little bit of work to it. Keep writing :)




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Sat Nov 05, 2016 1:42 am
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TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Hello there! Tri here with a review!

Just a heads up, it's been quite a few months since I last wrote a review, so I might be a touch rusty. But hopefully I'll be able to be somewhat helpful. Let's get into it, shall we?

The clock went tick, tick, tick as the golden light on the far wall went bleep, bleep, bleep- a new wish was arriving

I really love this as a hook. The sudden jump to 'a new wish was arriving' grabs the reader's attention because it's something different, and reading it I want to know more about it. I found that the first sentence was interesting as well, but this is the point where you grabbed my attention. So good work there! :)

A little finnicky technical thing that I will mention in regards to the above is in relation to the em dash you use. I think you've used said em dash very well, but just make sure that you format it word(space)dash(space)word, rather than word-dash(space)word so that the dash stands out (otherwise it looks like a hyphen). It may just have been a typo as it is now, but heads up anyway.

In the first chapter, you have some lovely imagery, which really sets the scene. I enjoyed that, and it's awesome, but make sure that you also strive to get your readers to connect with the characters as soon as you can as well. In the first few paragraphs I believe that two other characters are mentioned before we hear about Marco, who appears to be the protagonist. As a result, the reader doesn't get to start forming a connection to the characters, with all the jumping around.

I think you handle mentioning the characters well enough, but I feel like this would be stronger, and would have more of a sense of character voice (it may be third person, but from the second chapter it is still from Marco's perspective) if we were shown Marco earlier on, and the other characters and their actions were being observed by her. That way, the reader gets all the same information that is currently there, but also has that connection with the protagonist from the beginning. Also, seeing how Marco views others helps with character development and showing the reader her view of the world.

Alrighty. I liked how Marco was thinking about all the different types of wishes in the first chapter, but I felt like there was a bit of a disconnect between the first chapter and the second, since we suddenly go from one group of ideas to another, which are completely new and different to what we saw in the first chapter. And these new ideas you introduce in the second chapter are great, however make sure that the main ideas don't go missing from one chapter to another. For example, in the part where Barnaby is first introduced as a ten year-old, and there's a sentence about "the job he was meant to uptake", this is a moment where it is possible to weave in mentions to the wishes from the first chapters. Don't let important plot points go forgotten!

In the second chapter, it feels like there's a bit of jumping around. Both in terms of time - going between the past and present - but also jumping between action and exposition. I'll address the latter first. There is one paragraph, that starts with:
Marco shuffled in the uncomfortable oak of the benches and strained her eyes across the rows of people until the small figure of Father Alec Alaister grew brighter

It's the larger paragraph that's in a section all by itself. It's a good description of Father Alec, however that's all that this paragraph contains. Description and exposition is important, however, I believe it would be a lot stronger, and more engaging if you were to weave the contents of this paragraph into the scene where Father Alec is talking.

I think the flashback to when the characters were younger works well. It's very successful in serving its purpose - to acquaint the reader with Father Alec's character, and to also show how the relationships of Marco and her friends have developed since they were children. I think it flows out of and into the scenes set into the present quite well.

I enjoyed the interaction with Teddy. His personality as a character, and his relationship with Marco is handled really well, and feels authentic. I'm keen to see where that relationship goes.

That's about all I have to say for this chapter. Any questions let me know, and if you end up posting more I'd love to read it. This is a strong first couple of chapters, and a very interesting premise has been set up.






Thank you for the review!




Oh, I'm sorry. My friends are in the popcorn and I have to save them.
— Tori Hansen, Power Rangers Ninja Storm